I don't know a single thing about cats.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

To add to the general fund of cat wisdom here, the key to being able to pet a cat is to go s l o w l y. Same trick with most animals with whom you don’t have an established relationship, really. Slow it down to the level you think is appropriate and then slow it down even more. Gently reach out and stroke, giving plenty of time for the cat to decide to permit or deny you the opportunity to partake in his or her glory.

I totally agree that seeming to ignore a cat is the best way to intrigue him or her.

Cats are attracted to standoffish, nonthreatening people, in whatever leisure time
they can find between murdering things and sleeping.

22

Cat Crazy Hour. It’s a cat thing.

23

One thing no one has mentioned yet: While cats vary widely in their personalities (friendly vs standoffish, cuddly vs wrestly, etc), the broad strokes of their body language are fairly consistent. Key element: the tail. When the tail is stiff and vertical, the cat’s in a good mood. When the tail is in rapid snaky motion, whipping and curving, the cat is agitated. That could be “good” agitated (playtime: ears will be forward) or “bad” agitated (I’ve had enough of whatever you’re doing: ears will be back).

The fuzzy black land shark who lives in my house loves to climb onto my lap and get long minutes of head scratches, but he’s very clear when he’s getting fed up: his tail starts to twitch, and then whip back and forth. The rules are as follows:[ul][]If I stop rubbing his head before his tail starts moving, he will bump his head against my hand for more scratches.[]If I keep rubbing his head and ignore his tail, he will become displeased, and may swat at me (or just leave).If I rub his head until his tail is actively moving, and then stop, he settles down happily and goes to sleep.[/ul]The specific behaviors and preferences of another cat will probably be different, but the body language indicating emotional state will be fairly similar to the above.

24

I have a cat that is similar to Lucille, in that she will ask for and accept affection from “strangers” (meaning, a person who isn’t me), but she will also hiss at that person, often even while being petted. The only two people she doesn’t do this to are me and my dad–the two people who she is most familiar and comfortable with. She initially did it to Dad too, but he spent a lot of time sucking up to her during a brief period when we stayed with my parents and she got over it.

I read a book by a cat behaviorist (Pam Johnson-Bennett) who said that cats can be conflicted about showing affection because their instincts tell them to be wary of/hostile to strangers. Part of them knows that having a human approach them is supposed to be dangerous.

I’d say, hang in there with Lucille, and buy her some treats that only you feed her. That should go a long way in convincing her because if you’re a source of food, you’re probably not dangerous.

25

The main thing to remember about cats is that they can’t be trained to do what you want them to do.

On the other hand, humans can be trained by cats to do what they want them to do when they want them to do it, and not before.

I have to go now, Eccles is calling me

26

We went and rescued one of ours from under a walkway on a cliff. He was almost dead. It has been about a year and a half now and he is just getting to where we can come at him from the front. Slow and from the back or side, ok, but not from the front. Somebody had mistreated him bad. He had had the most physical and mental things to recover from of all our cats. We seem to get ‘drops’ and ‘almost feral’ ones who wander in and are not so far gone they need to be put down. Of 8, only one did we get on purpose. And she is the craziest and meanest of the bunch. What everyone else has said and to add…Be very patient and do more and more in very small increments over long periods of time. Once they are absolutely sure you will not hurt them, then you can start making real progress.

The early ‘tripped over the cat’ did not help. Even though it was an accident, the cat does not think so and will take a longer time to get over it that you can imagine…

27

If the cat’s staring at you, look at it and try blinking your eyes very slowly. Cat’s will have staring contests with each other to establish dominance, and slowly blinking your eyes shows that you aren’t trying to do that. It’s a way of telling the cat, “we’re cool man, no worries.” My cats will usually do the slow blink back at me, and one of them will often do it, slower and slower, till he gets relaxed enough that he lays down for a nap.

28

There is an obligatory webcomic link here, that explains the nature of cats relatively well.
http://www.twolumps.net/d/20040316.html
(Not that specific strip, the entire webcomic, that’s just the first. Do enjoy.)

29

Sorry dude, I thought I labeled it appropriately. I mostly took the picture to scare my American relatives so they won’t come visit! :smiley:

Have you decided if you want to be buddies with your kitty pal or get it to go away?

30

You did label it appropriately, I just have a hard time resisting links. It’s my own fault. I think it’s the colors.

I don’t really mind being buddies with her, I guess, but I’m still not crazy about the hair all over everything. I’ll probably just have to get used to it, however, since that seems to happen whether we’re friends or not.

All of the advice I’ve gotten here seems to fit pretty well with what I’ve seen of Lucille so far. She likes very gentle, very slow head scritches but only in short bursts followed by extensive stay-awaying time. She recreationally vomits, though thankfully not yet on my clothes, shoes, face, etc. She consistently runs away from me when we’re both at the top of the basement stairs (where the unfortunate tripping incident occurred), and I’m monumentally interesting when I have food, less so when I don’t.

I will definitely keep all of the advice in mind and I appreciate it in the way that someone who’s never seen fire before appreciates a burn specialist. I never thought cats were something I’d ever have to deal with.

31

The really unfortunate thing is, you remember that round metal thing in the picture, to the right of the spider? It’s a manhole cover. Just to give you an idea of scale.

32

Would you please excuse me for a moment? I have to go call my mother and cry for a while.

33

If there’s a cat in your vicinity, yes, cat hair will happen. Even so-called hairless cats have a little bit of peach fuzz on them. These cats are truly bizarre looking, to my eyes.

I suggest getting a bedspread, and making your bed every day, with the pillows under the bedspread, if you haven’t been doing that. I used to just keep sheets on my bed in the summer, but making the bed with a bedspread means that cat hair will mostly accumulate on the spread, not the sheets and pillows. I love cats, but I don’t necessarily love loose cat hair on my sheets and pillows.

34

**CATS: MASTERS OF DECEIT

What Every American Should Know**

Cats. The very name itself is shrouded in mystery and superstition. All too often, the modern teenager is constantly bombarded by conflicting information and unidentifiable urges. But what do we really know of cats? Today, science provides an answer.

Though formally unclassifiable due to their lack of chromosomes, cats are generally accepted to represent a primitive evolutionary link between ancestral blue-green algae and the common turd. These ‘living fossils,’ having remained essentially unchanged for billions of years, are therefore vanishingly unlikely to suddenly get off their asses and do anything now. Over time, thick layers of cats have been deposited beneath much of the Earth’s crust through sedimentary action, profoundly inhibiting continental drift.

Cats have no identifiable nervous system. Instead, a symbiotic nematode within the skull generates the necessary stimulus to locate food and produce odor. Deprived of this stimulus, the cat’s epidermal layers adapt themselves to slough off even more choking clouds of lint and dander, eventually generating an ambient field of static electricity that operates the muscles via galvanic stimulus. Crude tropisms serve to direct the body toward evil.

Throughout the ages, man has struggled to identify even a single good reason for the existence of cats, without success. The ancient Egyptians, widely acknowledged as the most worthless of civilizations, believed that cats were sacred messengers sent from the gods to punish them for being such a waste of skin. Only recently has archaeology been able to prove just how right they were.

Will cats ever do anything? With the aid of modern technology, attempts have been made to successfully exploit this previously untapped natural resource. Today, valuable hydrocarbons are extracted from cats in vast quantities for industrial purposes. The mucous membranes of cats excrete a natural adhesive many times stronger than steel, without which their flaccid carcase would otherwise unravel entirely into base protoplasm; chemical synthesis of this molecule may one day provide a cure for shapeless people. Cats are widely used in medical research as models for vending machine-tipping injuries, and also to insulate valuable laboratory equipment. The ability of cats to waste time is being closely scrutinized, which may one day lead to the discovery of a vast renewable source of energy. Remarkably, one of every three items purchased by the modern homemaker is a cat or made from cats. The study of cats has led to valuable insights about the process by which inanimate objects gradually develop into disease organisms.

Yes, cats hate you. But by seeking to understand them and why they happen, we gain a greater appreciation of the complexities of Nature and the extent to which it can go wrong. The study of cats is the first and most important step toward prevention.

Remember: If you see a cat, call a professional.

THE END

A Public Service Announcement from the Federal Bureau of Cat Control

MCMLVIII

35

This is pretty good. Keep it up, and if your girlfriend tells you it’s a good idea, you might try picking her up. A cat who’s enjoying being petted will sometimes be willing to be picked up, dependent on the cat’s temperment, mood, state of hunger, astrological sign, and the day of the month based on the Mayan calendar. It’s a crapshoot, basically, is what I’m saying.

If Lucille is standing in front of you, enjoying her scritches and facing left, you can try scooping her up, with your left hand going under her front legs and your right going over her back to her hind legs. Lift her gently up to your chest level and transfer her front legs to either the crook of your left elbow or your left shoulder; she may hint as to what she’d prefer. Either way, keep her back legs supported by your right forearm and your left arm around her far side, not pressing her to your chest but simply making her feel safe, as though she isn’t going to fall. Keep scritching. If she wants down, let her down. If she is ok with the attention, she may settle in, essentially lying down in your arms.

Ask your girlfriend for advice based on Lucille’s habits and preferences. My cat, for instance, loves to be held by people he trusts, prefers to be held upside down like a baby so that his tummy is available for rubbing, and will not scratch you, ever, but WILL NOT sit on laps. He hates, hates, hates laps, and will jump off the minute he is placed on one, or the moment a person carrying him sits down. For some demented reason, a lap does not count as a lap if you are sitting on the top step of the stairs, and he will climb into your lap. Weird little shit.

36

That made me laugh. It’s so accurate!

37

Nah, if he was going for accuracy he would have said this:

Caveat: Your cat WILL vary, any damn way and at any damn time it wishes. If you disagree with this variance, the cat has a paw gesture it would like to share with you.