I don't want anything and it's concerning

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

You know, I never thought about this but it’s true. “I don’t want what I haven’t got” (sensu Sinead O’Connor) sounds like a very self-actualized statement. But without want, what is the motivation for living?

I have food, but without a strong appetite, I tend to eat based on what’s available than what’s healthy. Though, I have been on a pineapple juice kick. That’s healthy.

Yes, I bathe regularly. Don’t like being stinky.

I make enough money to afford the things I have. Which is not much. As far as long-term security, I don’t know. I have a pension plan and a savings account. But I don’t have a whole of money, IMHO. I feel that I’m underemployed, as far as salary goes. Promises have been made to me that this will change, with lots of apologies by management. But we’ve just been told to forget all about raises, even for promotions (which I just received). If I were on the Susan Orman show and I laid it all out for her, I think she’d say, “You’re doing something WRONG, sweetie!” Maybe I just feel that way because in the next coming weeks I will be seeing a lot of doctors. Each check related to medical expenses that I write makes me feel like I’m wasting my money. Like one doctor wants me to pay hundreds of dollars for a test for Huntington’s. I have the money, but WTF? No one in my family has Huntington’s! What is the chance that I received a random mutation from one of my parents (one that my twin did not receive)? But I don’t know what to do. If I have the money, then what’s the harm? I’m not going to spend it on anything anyway.

(Now I really do sound depressed, don’t I? :))

I don’t have a friend to hug, unless you count my two cats (who just tolerate me because I’m a source of heat) and my sister that lives far away. Oh yes, and Quasimodem :).

Just for the record, I don’t care what other people think. I hate being nagged by coworkers, but I don’t particularly care if they think I’m a slob or a weirdo. My angst is more introspective. Life is about change, correct? If I don’t want anything, then what’s my motivation to change and to live in any meaningful way?

I don’t want any thing or anyone. But I guess I do want inner peace and contentment. And to know that my future is dynamic like everyone else’s and that my life will change somehow between now and, say, five years from now. Or even one year from now. I can’t imagine myself a week from now, though.

I apologize for starting this thread. It’s self-absorbed dreck probably better suited for livejournal or something.

22

As if it’s any different here… :wink:

23

I don’t think that’s weird. I like to create stuff, but then I don’t really mind much what happens to it afterwards, I’m perfectly happy to give most of it away and go make more stuff. It is at least a nice quirk.

You should probably go buy a new pair of shoes and a few nice outfits. In that way you remind me of my sister. :slight_smile:

Are you kidding, you’re one of the most interesting people here!

24

Are you still involved with your etsy store? Your work is beautiful.

25

You’ve been to my etsy store? Wow! No, I don’t maintain it anymore because I didn’t get any customers. But I do have a website just for shits and giggles:

www.streetartrichmond.com

26

I don’t want anything either.

27

I’m pretty much the same way Monstro. I don’t care about clothes and I’m happy with my old rubber clogs until my daughter hands down her old tennies. I haven’t had a hair cut in years; I just trim the ends now and then. I have no desire to own anything, and especially not a house. It’s not like I have the money but I have no desire either. Home ownership is a hassle I would like to avoid! And my car is an '88 Econoline van. I know I should get something a little better, at least less of a gas guzzler, but I’ll drive this thing til it falls apart. We’re getting close to that point now and it worries me because the idea of car shopping stirs anxiety in me.

I think we might both be a little depressed, but it IS perfectly okay to not want more than you need. I understand the hate for wasting money. I almost never go out to eat because it’s the same as flushing money down the toilet. My fanciest piece of electronics is this 300 dollar eMachine.

And this is just about the time when I start hating the sound of my own “voice” too.

28

I think I hear something here about hating change. Is that true? Is there something about letting go of the past?

You seem different than most people, right? Nothing wrong with that, even though it feels wrong. Does it help if you think of yourself as eccentric?

29

I just looked at the link to your stuff and I agree, it’s pretty! I especially like the flower pots. Now I’m wondering if I could glue mosaic tiles around the frame of my computer monitor.

30

Please tell me you have a cat.

31

I don’t think so. I think it’s more like, “If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

Yes, my shoes have holes. But they are still functional and I like them. Why buy new ones?

Yes, my couches are covered in (cat) claw-marks. But they are still functional, especially when I cover them with afghans. So why buy new stuff?

I’m not sentimental at all. It’s just I don’t want new things when the old things seem fine to me.

Sometimes. Sometimes it makes me feel like it gives me permission to do whatever I want, damn what anyone else thinks. But living life like that is risky. Doing whatever I want to do, damn what everyone else thinks, could harm or kill me. But I’m too stubborn or crazy to think about that.

Once I walked home from work in weather that was damn-near close to a tropical storm in its intensity. During the entire 3.5-mile journey, lightning streaked across every cardinal direction of the sky. Dirty street water was up to my calves. My skirt was soaked down to my underwear–the purple dye of which bled through the skirt’s gray fabric. Branches were literally breaking off from trees and crashing down in front of me. All the while I was only concerned about keeping my little mp3 player dry so I could listen to Philip Glass’s “Satyagraha” all the way through. I think about it now and think, “Man, what was I thinking?” But when I was in the moment, the dangers around me didn’t register. It was like, “*BOOM!!!*Well, this is sort of interesting! CRASH!!!”

I like living my life as freely as I do. But I feel like I could easily toss it all away in a single careless act. Not because of depression, but because I don’t see the need in thinking about stuff too hard.

32

Well, it’s certainly ok to not get caught up in consumerism. However I get a sense from your OP that it’s not so much that you have everything you want or need, but that you don’t really want anything. It’ hard to derive any joy out of life if you don’t have a passion for anything. Without passion, you are just going through the motions.

33

Maybe consider starting some sort of underground bare-knuckle boxing group.

34

On the gadget side, one of the most technically-competent dudes I’ve ever known uses a cell phone from, like, 1982 or something. I am also waiting for my contract to come due so that I can downgrade from a Blackberry.

Sounds like you’re just someone who wants what they need and nothing more. That 20 year old car, if it still runs, gets the job done. I kick myself all the time for deciding that I “need” new whiz-bang stuff that I ultimately don’t use.

35

[QUOTE=monstro;13386603
]

Once I walked home from work in weather that was damn-near close to a tropical storm in its intensity. During the entire 3.5-mile journey, lightning streaked across every cardinal direction of the sky. Dirty street water was up to my calves. My skirt was soaked down to my underwear–the purple dye of which bled through the skirt’s gray fabric. Branches were literally breaking off from trees and crashing down in front of me. All the while I was only concerned about keeping my little mp3 player dry so I could listen to Philip Glass’s “Satyagraha” all the way through. I think about it now and think, “Man, what was I thinking?” But when I was in the moment, the dangers around me didn’t register. It was like, “*BOOM!!!*Well, this is sort of interesting! CRASH!!!”

[/QUOTE]

Well Monstro, this is an interesting thread and I hope you are getting some useful new perspectives from it.

I was momentarily heartened by the above paragraph. My perception was that you were in the moment, directly experiencing the elemental natural world. And appreciating it. Living in hermetic houses and cars as we do, the opportunity to smell and feel the real world passes most urban dwellers by.

But No. In fact your focus was on a piece of music. Interesting that a storm which engages all of the human senses was pushed to the background by an mp3. Hmm…

36

The first rule of bare-knuckle boxing group you don’t talk about bare-knuckle boxing group.

The second rule is you have to grow one of those olde tyme mustaches.

37

But have girly fists. Remember? :wink:

38

It’s a trap! You get all complacent and then she’ll throat punch you with her tiny, girly fists!

39

It’s hard to bob and weave when you’re up against tiny girly fists, too. They’re just too quick!

(jsgoddess, you can be in my fight club any day. :))

40

The temperature in your city has been below freezing almost every night this month, with daytime temperatures fluctuating greatly. Luckily there hasn’t been a lot of snow yet so far.

You’re not heating your apartment, not wearing shoes and/or clothing that is adequate to keep you warm, you’re not eating well, and you’re passively taking great risks with your personal safety.

monstro, honey, please make sure you’re telling your therapist all of these things. If you can arrange a visit home to be with your family for a little while, I think you should go - or have someone come visit you. Please, reach out to someone who loves you in ‘real life’, I know you have at least two - your sister and your mom.