$35 for a HS orchestra concert? Wow! Never heard the like.
I’d probably respond, “Thanks, but I won’t be able to make it.” If pressed, I’d say, “I have other plans.”
This is as I remember it as well. Maybe I’m looking at it with rose-colored glasses, but I don’t think we did half bad.
I totally agree with you that this is the way it should be, that friends should always accept a single “Sorry, I’m not feeling well” or “Sorry, I just don’t feel like it.” But unfortunately, that’s mostly not the case and you get needled for reasons.
Anyway, with 70 bucks for two tickets (for a college concert, yikes!) and an hour drive, this discussion is moot. I wouldn’t be afraid to tell a friend that these are the reasons I wouldn’t attend.
All of those are legitimate reasons. If the concert was free and across the street, that you aren’t interested is also a perfectly legitimate reason. Just decline; no further explanation is necessary.
p.s. What kind of high school orchestra concert charges $35? Is this some kind of fundraiser?
“This sounds like fun, and I’m sorry I can’t make it.” Option: “And here’s $35 for a ticket for someone else.”
“Why can’t you make it?”
A. “I’m no longer very comfortable driving after dark.”
B. “With covid number rising, we’re avoiding large groups”
If either or both of these are the case, they are perfectly reasonable.
“I never make plans that far ahead.” Cue Bogart in Casablanca
I find people differ as to whether they feel a need to make up some excuse, or are comfortable just saying, “No thanks.” I fall in the “No thanks” camp - mainly because I have such a lousy memory that I fear I would forget whatever excuse I came up with.
My kids were in Jr High, HS, and college bands and orchestras. I can’t recall ever paying for a concert - certainly not $35.
Me too. No need to make-up excuses. Almost all such are obvious to the other person (usually). Just say no thanks. That’s enough. If you want, add you’d like to take them out for a drink or have them over for dinner or whatever. Let’s them know you still want to hangout, just not at that thing.
That said, I have learned the value of doing things I do not want to if it makes others happy. That depends on many things but is worth considering I think. But no need to feel bad saying, “No, I do not want to.”
Quite honestly I find it weird and impolite that he invited you, especially so given the cost and distance involved. The only people I would expect to have any interest in school events like this are relatives or people with some close direct relationship with the kid - a tutor or godparent or something - who have an interesting in seeing the kid’s progress and achievement. Only with very rare exceptions would something at high school level have sufficient intrinsic merit to be of interest. It’s not just “amateur” vs “professional”, very few high school kids would make it into any adult amateur orchestra.
Yup.
I don’t have any better suggestion for the best excuse to make, but I certainly wouldn’t feel bad about declining. I think your friend is at fault for “inviting” you and putting you on the spot - without even gifting you the ticket.
This is very plausible. My daughter’s rowing team did this shit all the time. Their big fundraiser was a pancake breakfast - team members would have to sell X number of tickets at $Y or risk getting on the coach’s bad side. Of course, who the hell wants to pay $X for pancakes made from the same bag of instant pancake mix I have in my pantry at home? So, parents and grandparents buy all the tickets and then try to pawn them off to unsuspecting friends.
As someone who has a child in youth orchestra concerts,
a) we are strongly encouraged to invite people, so much so that even my super introverted self sometimes tells people about the concerts
b) however, I would NEVER actually expect anyone to attend. I mean… these are high school students! High school orchestras are not known for being, uh, super high quality. Like, if someone does decide to attend then that’s wonderful, but I would never expect it! My feelings would never be hurt if someone decided not to come.
c) if you just say, “Oh gosh, can’t make it but I hope Junior has a great concert!” that would more than take care of it.
d) $35?? Older Child is in a youth orchestra that actually sounds reasonable (I joke that she has finally made the jump to an orchestra that people will voluntarily listen to without being forced!), buuuuut, like, reasonable for a free concert (which it is). I think only parents would pay for the privilege, and maybe not all of them either.
I think this is the best reply of all. It’s vague enough so that you can decline without lying (e.g. I wish I could attend, but someone stole my car), or offending your friend (e.g. I don’t want to go be cause your son’s playing makes my ears bleed).
A good friend will accept that rely with no explanation needed. A bad friend will hound you for an explanation.
A bad friend can then be either lied to or offended without regret—he forced your hand.
“Because it’s simply impossible.” MMM, it would be your friend who was out of bounds, if it gets that far and he said that. Polite people would never ask “Why not” and if he does, you are not required to supply an honest answer, merely a polite one. You are not in the least way accountable to your friend for your time and choices.
Frankly (checks forum), I blame social media on this kind of awkwardness. How many people do you think the friend invited? Just you? 20? 50? It’s way too easy. I’d think of the invitation like a telemarketing come-on: casting a wide net in the hopes of 2% response. Just be part of the 98% and never give it another thought.
“It’s beyond my control.”
Oooh. “Dangerous Liaisons.”
Quite well played.
There. Now you can’t go to the damned concert 
I’m with those who think that the $35 is more a fundraiser than an admission charge. The kids aren’t getting paid, and conducting concerts would be a part of the music teacher’s job, in much the same way as coaching a school athletic team is part of the gym teacher’s. Funds raised in this way would go toward buying new instruments, new sheet music, and so on.
I’m also with those who don’t think that an excuse is necessary. A response like, “Saturday night at 8? Oh, sadly, I won’t be able to make it. But let’s keep it in mind for next year, okay?” is perfectly acceptable. And that’s all that needs to be said; no excuse necessary.
I’m reminded of Greg Brady’s all-purpose, use-anytime, date-busting line: “Something suddenly came up.” If it worked for him, it will work here.
“ I recently overextended myself, taking on too many social engagements. I found it very exhausting and am actively avoiding making that mistake again. I am sorry I cannot attend this event, but I hope you will all have a wonderful time!
It isn’t even a lie, attending events you’d rather not, IS extremely exhausting!
This is good!
“I recently overextended myself, organizing a series of online polls that will require my attention for at least the next month.”
h/t to elbows for the phrasing, and mmm for the polls.
I encourage everyone, all the time, to familiarize themselves with Ask vs Guess culture because misunderstandings between the world views inevitably causes unnecessary conflict until both sides understand what the other side is actually saying in these requests.
Ask culture is a “default no” culture, I’m going to ask questions with the default expectation that you say no and am pleasantly surprised if you say yes. Guess cultures is a “default yes” culture where I’m not going to ask a question unless I’m reasonable sure beforehand you’re going to say yes and I am surprised when I hear a no.
That you’re asking this question means that you’re on the guess culture side of things so think back to previous interactions with this person and notice if there have been other instances where they’ve exhibited that same pattern. Think about times when other people have said no to this person and whether they have been offended or not.
Finally, if you want to find out for sure in a way that is comfortable for you, you can say something like “I have a friend who is considering coming into town but the plans are still very tentative. If it’s really important for me to attend this concert, let me know so I can relay to my friend and they can make sure not to come that weekend”. Of course they’re not going to be an asshole enough to say yes and make your friend’s life more complicated for their little concert but focus your attention on the way they say no.
People in a guess culture will try to find some other way to hang out with you, they’ll invite you to another event or to do another thing because they assume the desire was there, it was just foiled by implementation. In that case, you can follow on by being curious about “hey, was just wondering what were some things that made you think I would be interested in the concert” and you can get to the root of their logic and correct where the misimpression happened. They might say something like, “Oh, I just wanted a chance to hang out with you. It’s fine, I’ll drive you and I’m happy to pay for the ticket. Feel free to tune out at the actual music, I know my son is terrible. But we can grab dinner at this amazing diner I know across the street and it’ll be a fun night” and now you have new information.
If they are like “Oh, no, you should definitely be with your friend, I just extended the invitation on the off chance you were free, in the future, feel free to just say no to any requests I make”, then this clears up the miscommunication and sets up the basis for a stronger friendship.