A friend invited me, via social media, to a concert that I have no interest in attending. His son is part of the high school orchestra. My goals are to 1) not attend, and 2) not caused hurt feelings…I’d like to hear some Doper input.
I cannot say I am too busy because he knows I am retired and have lots of time.
I cannot say I have plans because there are several available dates.
I cannot say it’s not my thing because he is aware of how much I enjoy similar, but professional, concerts.
I cannot say I only attend professional performances because that seems dick-ish.
I cannot not respond because I think that is rude.
I am leaning toward something like, “hmm, looks interesting, I’ll have to see” or something similarly vague.
Do you really think they will be so bad you won’t like it when you say you do like similar professional shows? They must think they’re pretty good if they charge $35 a ticket.
You can also just say, “Thanks, but not going to make it this time”
These are tough, because knowing nothing about the relationship leaves us without a critical piece of info.
But …
How important is the time to you?
How important is the money to you?
How important is this friendship to you – how long, how close, how much do you do for each other, is there a history of ‘supporting’ each other’s children?
Have they asked anything similar before, and what did you say?
Is the 1hr drive … driving … or hellish stop-and-go traffic?
Is there anything else out in that direction that you could tack on that would make it more enjoyable?
ETA: these are basically rhetorical questions – a way I might look at the situation if I were in it.
I’m generally known as a resource for my friend’s kids. If they’re selling something for school or raising money for band camp, or supporting a charity … I tend to be good for a couple bucks.
Before I got sick, I also gave fairly liberally of my time. Everybody really seemed to appreciate it.
But these are tough situations with a huge number of very situational variables.
If you value the friendship, and can afford the tickets, then I’d go. But if it’s an hour away, maybe find something else in the area that you’d like to do before or after the concert so the day doesn’t seem so miserable.
This was going to be my question. What can’t you tell them the truth? If not, then make some other plan, and just say you cannot attend because of another commitment (no need to say what that commitment is).
Make something up, while leaving it open, like “my son-in-law is travelling that weekend, and I want to keep the dates open in case my daughter needs help with the kids. I’ll know more details in two weeks.” He might take the hint not to ask again.
These sound like perfectly acceptable reasons, at least to me.
I don’t think letting him know that you’re not that interested in high school orchestra concerts would be “dickish”.
It sounds to me (and I could be wrong) that the High school is putting pressure on the parents to sell tickets at $35 a pop (fundraising). He might not mind at all that you choose not to go.
Why were you invited?
1 Your friend invited everyone he knows online
2 His son would like you, personally, to support him by attending a concert because he values your love of classical music
3 They’re trying to get $35 to financially support the school orchestra
4 Your friend wants to hang out
5 Your friend thought you’d really like it, or just wants to crow about his kid.
1, you can safely say you’re not interested. 2, you have to go, them’s the rules. 3, send the money with regrets that you would really prefer to not spend 2hrs driving to see a school orchestra, but you’re happy to support children learning music. 4, suggest a different time/place to hang out. 5, tell friend that you appreciate the offer, but school orchestras aren’t your bag.
The cool thing you will learn if you have a weird addiction to advice columns (so I’ve heard) is that you actually don’t have to provide an explanation at all. You can say, “Sorry, I won’t be able to attend” and leave it at that. If you’re feeling really bold you can just say, “I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.” That’s all you are required to do.
Robert Massie tells the story of a 19th century British Navy captain who offended a diplomat by turning down an invitation to a formal dinner a couple weeks in advance, saying he would have a headache. Responding to a complaint filed with the Foreign Office, the captain explained that he had a headache every day and didn’t see why he’d be spared one then.
$35 a ticket? For a high school orchestra concert??!
It’s kind of the grey wall thing. Nobody is entitled to an explanation.
If you really think your friend would be put out by that, well, I dunno. Being honest in a tactful way is probably fine. Or exaggerate the truth in a way that suits the purpose.
I have a friend about an hour and a half drive from me whose mother recently died. We were planning to meet and help her destress in the aftermath of the funeral by going out to eat. The week before, she texts us, “I’m sorry to cancel but I really can’t afford this.”
To which we replied, if it’s really about money, we can absolutely pay for your food and gas, but if you’re really overwhelmed and not feeling up to it, we understand. You don’t have to make excuses with us.
At which point she confessed that yes, she really just has so much going on it’s too stressful to meet right now.
That’s how the friend should be, IMO. He’s gotta understand that not everyone wants to see his kid’s band.
But my WAG is that friend has invited as many people as he can and isn’t particularly fussed about who exactly shows up.
Would going be worse than breaking a leg? Then break a leg, that is the perfect excuse. But a bad deal IMO.
I would go. It might be better than you think, and it’s better karma.
