I met a friend, Kathy, through a fan club for an artist we both like a lot. None of my friends like this artist so when I found out they were having a concert in the city I invited her to go with me.
I got the tickets and arranged for a limo to drive us in. I thought this was a done deal and now Kathy e-mails me that she has a friend that wants to join us and would I mind?
I barely know Kathy and was hoping to get to talk with her and I have no idea who her friend is.
I am uncomfortable with this. How could I let her know that I want to stay with our original plan?
Wow, a limo? That seems disproportionately fancy for an outing w/ a casual acquaintance. But if you want this to be just the two of you, and you have a non-refundable deposit on the limo, you better be straight w/ her.
“I already got the tickets and they’re together; I don’t see how I could get a 3rd at this late date and have it be anywhere near us.” This won’t work if it’s General Admission.
If it is General Admission -
“If your friend wants to get their own ticket and meet us there, that would be fine w/ me, the more the merrier. But I was hoping to take some quiet time before the concert to talk to you more about (XX subject you’ve talked about w/ Kathy).”
If she counters either argument w/ telling you her friend can get their own ticket and still ride w/ you both, she may not be as into you as you are into her; prepare yourself accordingly and go anyway, having a great time seeing a band you enjoy w/ like-minded people!
If she makes it clear she expects YOU to buy her friend’s ticket AND be their ride, find someone else to take 'cause this girl thinks you’re a schmuck w/ more money than sense.
It’s actually not a real limo - more like an airport type car - it’s the safest way to travel to the city. My uncle owns the company. And Kathy has agreed to pay for her half.
Her friend has her own ticket and I think just wants to ride with us.
And I have no problem meeting up with her friend at the concert or other people for that matter.
I just need to know how to tell her that I don’t want her friend to ride with us. Like I said, I barely know Kathy and I have no idea who her friend is.
She also barely knows you, and might be hedging her bets to make sure she has a good (and safe) time. Maybe she’s not comfortable with the one on one meet up or maybe she just really enjoys doing this type of thing in a group with a “more the merrier” attitude.
I also agree that the hired car seems a bit strange and over the top for this kind of meet-up. Maybe it’s making her uncomfortable?
You don’t specify in the first post, but are you male or female? Her freind?
I am asking this with no judgment, but are you a guy (or a gal) who was hoping that the concert turns out to be a “date” situation with Kathy?
If so, is it possible that Kathy got that vibe and is bringing a friend to have a buffer between you and her?
If that is not the case, concerts are usually a “The more the merrier” situation, and I don’t see your issue with having another person to help split the cost of the car service; Maybe you will like Kathy’s friend more that you will like Kathy…
Finally, just out of pure, idle curiosity, what band are you all going to hear?
Was this supposed to be a date? It isn’t any more, now it’s a group friend thing. If you really are only interested in friendship with Kathy, then there shouldn’t be any problem with her friend tagging along. If it’s a date then tell Kathy that and say you wanted to spend the evening with her.
We are both female, both married moms who like the same kind of music. My nature is to be kind of introverted and I guess somewhat cautious - I don’t know who her friend is.
I guess she might be trying to be careful as well. We have met once before at a concert last Spring.
I don’t like trains and subways late at night and all so the car, which is not expensive, seems to be the safest thing.
Ah. This is totally different than what your OP implies: reread it without knowing your gender, and I think you will see that you come across as a socially awkward young man who was trying to set up a “steath date” without having to actually risk calling it a date.
In this case, I think you could explain to her that you are abnormally shy and introverted and new people make you uncomfortable, so you would rather not share the car. You’ve got to tell the truth there: any “polite” excuse will come across as weird.
I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable. You had a “vision” for how the outing was supposed to go, since you’d made the arrangements and everything. Adding another variable shakes up the vision. Plus, as another person who prefers one-on-one interactions, I empathize with that feeling of being the odd-girl out.
However, I think this is just one of those things that must be tolerated some times. I don’t think your relationship will Kathy will develop properly if you tell her to disinvite her friend. Not only could Kathy be using her friend as a protective buffer against an unknown entity (you), but maybe Kathy is more outgoing and is “the more the merrier” type of person who prefers doing activities with multiple people rather than just one. You can’t change a person out of this habit. You just have to decide if you want to hang out with this person in the future.
You may like the friend. Or you may like the reverie that the friend brings to your threesome. On the other hand, the friend could just be a quiet on-looker, sipping her drink unobstrusively while you and Kathy get to know one another. Who knows? On the other hand, if the friend is a jerk, that gives you a glimpse of who Kathy is as a person. Jerks tend to flock together. If Kathy ignores you so she can trade inside jokes and conversations with the other friend, that’s also valuable insight into her character. A red flag that she might not be friend material.
I say use this as an opportunity to evaluate Kathy, just as surely as she’s going to be using her friend to gage you.
I’m also wondering if the hired car thing makes Kathy think this is perfect for a “girls’ night out.” If someone I’d just befriended said, “I’ve tickets to see __. Wanna check them out? I’ll get us a limo so we won’t have to worry about transportation,” I’d be thinking, “This chick must really want to have a good time! Let me see if BestFriend wants to go since we haven’t painted the town in a long time.” And I’m not even that type of person!
So be prepared for, “Hey, after the show, let’s go to a couple of bars and do it up royal!”
You invited Kathy, for her to extend the invitation to someone else is rude.
Nevertheless, the best chance you have for both enjoying the concert with (or at least partly with) Kathy and for possibly developing a friendship with her lies in graciously accommodating her friend. (I assume the limo will readily fit the three of you.) Saying “no” would be a rebuff, and even a rebuff to a rude request is still a rebuff. My fear is that if you decline the request there will be some sort of hurt or resentment, virtually guaranteeing a lousy time. Suck it up and it may be a fun outing; if it isn’t, well, going the other way would have been worse, plus now you know about Kathy.
After reading all of this, and seeing all the details I think Kathy want to invite a friend because doesn’t know you so well. I would go with the flow. Maybe you’ll get two friends. Maybe they’ll both be two bitches. I wouldn’t really care. Just be prepared as other said that she might ignore you because she knows the other woman better. While I wouldn’t like that, I don’t think there’s a way to not let the friend ride with you two without coming off as a jerk or creepy. If I were Kathy, I would question your motives for not wanting a friend along.
Well, if you tell Kathy that she can’t bring a friend, then you have a 0% chance of becoming friends with her. As well as guarantee an awkward ride to and from the concert.
It’s up to you. Making friends means stretching your comfort zone and it’s not like she invited a bunch of creepy guys along or something. It’s just a ride.
I agree with those saying you should let the friend come. If you don’t, Kathy will probably be offended and it will probably spoil the fun. There’s a chance you will end up liking the friend, so give her a chance.
Often, when someone brings along an old friend, they wind up talking to that friend more than you. There is nothing wrong with preferring one-on-one meetings. Many introverts are that way. Talking to one other person is fairly effortless. Talking to two is harder. Talking to two people who already know each other and have a rapport that you don’t, especially if they are extroverts, is harder still.
I know I’m not the only introvert who feels they have to put in a lot more effort into these situations. It sucks for us that any one-on-one meeting with someone of the opposite sex is often thought of as dating. Luckily, the OP doesn’t have this problem. But that doesn’t mean she can’t prefer a one-on-one outing.
Now, what to do in this situation, I don’t know. I’ve never had a guy who wanted to bring along a friend before. I’ve had it with women, and that 100% of the time meant she thought I was trying to date her. And I’m not very assertive in those situations. I do know that no friendship ever came out of them.
