Make sure you don’t get stuck sitting in the front seat while they gab away in the back. Or is that not an option in a hired car?
Speaking as someone who lives in a city where transport is often a huge hassle, I think the OP is being unreasonable. It is routine for me and my friends to offer each other rides, and to include “friends of friends” in the offer if there is enough space in the car.
It sounds like it will be much more stress-free, safe and convenient to travel by hired car, and it was nice of the OP to set that up. Now, Kathy has a friend who is also attending the concert. Wouldn’t it be nice if that friend could also benefit from the convenient transport? Kathy didn’t extend an offer to her friend without checking with the OP first; that would have been rude. But she did ask the OP first, and she is simply trying to spare her friend a little hassle.
If the OP is so introverted that she is extremely disturbed by the thought of having to socialize in a car with two unfamiliar people instead of one, then yes, letting the friend ride along may force her out of her comfort zone. But Kathy can’t be expected to know that. It seems like Kathy is simply a nice woman: she’d like to make things more convenient for her friend, AND she is polite enough to ask before assuming it’s fine to include the friend.
For most people, letting the friend ride along would not be a big deal, in fact they might even welcome the opportunity to make a new friend with the same musical tastes. If it is so unpleasant for the OP that she refuses to do it – well, okay. But she should understand that she is asking Kathy to accommodate a trait which Kathy, as a more extroverted person, will probably find a bit odd and ungenerous.
You’re being way too tightly wound on this. Re the buddy invite inquiry this is the kind of stuff many women do. It’s just part of their wiring. She’s “a more the merrier” type. Many women are just this way re going to concerts and similar social events with buddies.
The whole one on one quality time thing you are envisioning is somewhat uncomfortable for some people when interacting for the first time, and they like a buffer. Just go with it. If you want to socialize with new women drawing more people into your sphere is not necessarily a bad thing.
You (to be honest) seem a bit intense, having a third party to level things out is probably to your benefit.
You do know you’re talking to a woman, right?
A “This is just what woman are wired to do” statement from a guy, to a grown-ass woman, just sounds a bit, I dunno the right word. Something between “strange” and “patronizing.”
Yes. I realize this. I also realize that some people walk through life without understanding some basic aspects about the human beings that surround them.
Inviting and including their buddies to concerts and other social events they have been invited to is something women do. They do it a lot, it’s practically an impulse. Whether you think this is good, bad or indifferent it’s something done so often that if you wish to socialize with new women friends and make new female connections you had best simply make this part of your set of expectations for how a lot of social invites to women will go.
If this is going to rile you making female friends may be problematic.
If Kathy is paying half of the car service then I don’t think she’s totally out of line. Even if she weren’t … I dunno, it just seems like a basic courtesy. I offer people rides all the time, and I don’t consider myself to be especially extroverted. If anything I feel like little social gestures like offering rides are a way to be friendly without being super-social and outgoing.
Everything else aside, there’s no good way to say “Trains/subways are too dangerous for us, but they’re just fine for your other friend.”
If a new acquaintance and I had plans like this and they freaked out at me suggesting I bring another friend. . .I’d pretty much assume you were planning on turning me into a lampshade in the middle of the desert.
Epic creepy red flag.
Just sayin’.
I think if Kathy is inviting another person, then they should be dividing the cost into thirds. Why should the OP pay half if two other people are going to be there?
I don’t like when people say such things without evidence.
And so confidently.
Women are wired to carry babies. To be nurturers, perhaps. And I’m willing to concede that we are usually more emotionally expressive and verbal about our emotions. These things do not apply to me, but I’m comfortable enough with these generalizations that I don’t feel it’s a stretch to say “yeah, there’s something going on with the double-X chromosome folks in these areas.”
But “the more the merrier” attitude? No. Many women are like the OP and me. We prefer one-on-one interactions, not big sloughs of people. I know enough women to be able to say that your statement is questionable, and that your attitude is indeed patronizing. It suggests that the OP does not know “how to be a real woman.” Or that she isn’t even a real woman. Gimme a break.
A lot of women do things that are rude, just like men do. That doesn’t make their rudeness “natural”. It just means that a lot of people are rude. Kathy isn’t rude, but I’m just saying. Just saying because what she does is what a lot of women do does not make this a “woman” thing. It means it’s a people thing. Perhaps “extroverted” people thing.
oh I agree, they should offer to pay 2/3 when they meet up. (That said, it would look petty to quibble over the 1/6th if they don’t) My point is that once you take money from other people for an activity, you don’t get total control over how everything happens.
It’s slightly rude that she’s even asking, but it’s one of those situations where there’s not really a polite way to decline without making it worse. There are plenty of situations where I embrace a “the more the merrier” attitude, but there are other times when I invite people to things because I want to enjoy their company one-on-one. Since you don’t know Kathy that well, you can’t easily decline without seeming like a weirdo, even though her switching up plans on you is annoying. Try to go with it; maybe her friend is awesome!
Maybe her friend is k.d. lang. Then you’d be kicking yourself.
Count me in as another person who thought you were a dude trying to avoid a cockblock. That said, since you don’t have much of a relationship with Kathy, I don’t see what difference it makes. You might even make a bonus friend.
Huh - I was thinking that my response would be, “Sure, but only if I get to ride shotgun!” Course, I tend to get carsick in back seats of cars. 
I was thinking that, too.
You’re not being unreasonable, but there’s no polite way of saying no. So go with the flow.
How old is everyone involved?
Here’s an update to my original question.
I decided to let Kathy bring the friend but when I asked the limo company, which was owned by my cousin’s uncle, they said it would cost much more for three. And then my cousin accused me of trying to add more people and it got a little crazy. We had a really amazing deal for two - super cheap. We each paid $75 for the round trip, including the tip and all.
So, I had to tell Kathy that her friend couldn’t come because of the limo deal we had. I told her what my cousin said and how much more it would cost. Her friend didn’t even have a ticket to the concert yet. So, nothing lost.
Kathy decided she still wanted to go and we did go and have a really great time. In fact, everything seemed perfect. We got along really well, have a lot in common - we’re both moms in our late 30’s. We never had trouble talking - it seemed fine.
However, I totally agree with what most of you said. Not having her friend come along - for whatever the reason - really destroyed what could have been a great friendship.
Kathy has not seen me since that concert and has made it clear by not answering e-mail unless she has to that she does not wish to be friends. She has been completely unavailable.
As a matter of fact, another event is coming up and she is taking this other friend to it. And she knows I’m going too but she that doesn’t seem to matter to her.
This of course doesn’t say much about Kathy as a person. I feel should have understood why her friend couldn’t get in on the original limo deal. Or she could have said they would pay the difference in cost for her to go, or she could have even decided not to go with me at all. She didn’t give me any money until I saw her the day of the show.
But, I wish I had told my friend who set up the limo that we would pay more and to include Kathy’s friend - if so we might all be friends today. Or at least Kathy wouldn’t hate me.
My advice to anyone in this situation - no matter what - let the other person’s friend come along - it may work out or it may not - but if you don’t let them come with you - it definitely will not end happily!
I wish there was something I could do to fix it but I think it’s over.
Thanks for the thoughtful update…
Now tell us another one!!!
If Kathy’s the kind of person who would hate you over something pretty reasonable, I don’t think she’s worth being friends with. I don’t think letting a friend come along no matter what is a very good take away message from this incident. Either something else is going on – maybe Kathy didn’t hit it off with you as well as you had thought – or she’s a very strange person.