I Don't Want To Hear That!!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

While I was roaming the Net to find out all I could about my upcoming by-pass surgery, I came across this little gem:

“In very rare instances, the patient can later recall snippets of conversation that took place during the operation, while he/she was under general anaesthesia.”

Hell, that’s no good. It got me thinking about “snippets” that I don’t want to hear.

Such as:

  • I’m ready to make the first incision. Get your tits out of my way, Betty.

  • Did this guy sign his Organ Donor Card?

  • Ha,ha! Cool! Now make his leg twitch.

  • Wish I didn’t forget my glasses.

  • Betty, I’m in the middle of a by-pass here. We’ll talk about us later.

  • Hand me that watchamacallit. No, the one with the thingy on the end.

  • Geez, what a night! I’ll never touch tequila again.

  • Shit. There go the lights.

  • Hey, anybody see Alien? Come look at this!

  • Oh, oh…
    I showed this to my wife and she said, “Only a weirdo like you would find humour in this.”

My daughter rolled her eyes and said, "That is not funny!

Prove them wrong. Add to the list. The best one will be immortalized in a frame behind my desk when I return to work. And of course, proper credit given.

2

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery

3

*Did I ever tell you my parents were Kathryn Hepburn and Redd Foxx?

*Would this be a good color to paint my car?

*You forgot to bring the thread for stitches? Looks like we have to go with bubble gum again.

*I’ve done so many of these, I think I could pull it off with my eyes closed.

*Time for the strobe light!

*What’s that? His insurance won’t cover this?

*Hey, did you see how hot his daughter is?

My sig line is currently unavailable. Please check this post in 1 hour when we resume our broadcast day.

4

Damn! I must have seen this at some time during my travels, but I don’t remember it.

No matter, there’s still room for a few zingers here.

5

  • Nurse, prep the bathtub with ice water and pin this note to his gown.

  • Oh no, another flashback.

6

“What’s he in for again? Vasectomy?”

“Where’s Nurse Ratched?”

“Dr. Kevorkian! It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

“Dr. Morganthaler! It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”

“I told you I didn’t like Labatt! Get me real beer, damn it!”

“I’ve got the flesh-eating bacteria. Think I should have taken the day off?”

“Hey! Let’s do the Hustle!”

“Touchdown! Ooops, there goes the spleen.”

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge…others just gargle.

7

Was the right one or left one?

We are, each of us angels with only one wing,and we can only fly by embracing one another

8

Hey, what a coincidence, it’s my first surgury too.

9

“Don’t worry about it, nurse. He’ll eventually pass it.”

“Hey, who has ‘before the anesthesia wears off’ in the pool?”

Livin’ on Tums, vitamin E and Rogaine

10

I injured my surgical hand while playing racketball.

“Dr.? What’s that?” “Nurse, I think it’s a Junior Mint.” (remembering Sienfeld)

(music in background) “My Achey Breaky Heart”

I didn’t have time to scrub.

11

“aaaCHOOO!” Damn. I’ve gotta tie those things tighter.

12

Sterile Shmeril, at least the floors clean.

What the hell is THAT?

Can you fish that outta there?

Dammit! She left me!

Hey, guys! Check this out!

Okay, who thinks the heart has FOUR ventricles?

You know, I never did like this guy.

Hey! Where’d my scalpel go?

That can’t be right.

No no no, tilt the book up higher!

So, you catch the game last night?

Let’s see, after the first incision, you go where? I can’t tell what that pictture is of.

Hoo boy, that’s gonna hurt like hell when he wakes up.

I sold my soul to Satan for a dollar. I got it in the mail.

13

Hey, the patient looks a little like my ex-boyfriend. I always swore I’d cut that bastard’s balls off if I ever got my hands on him again.

14

“Damn, the meds for my Parkinsons aren’t working.”
“That ones too hard to get to, we’ll just skip it, he’ll never know.”
“Yes, Intern Jones, we’re going to let you have a shot at this one.”
“Remind me again, was it knit one, perl two or the other way around?”
“Hurry up or I’ll miss my tee time.”

“You can be smart or pleasant. For years I was smart.
I recommend pleasant.”
Elwood P. Dowd

15

“Ah, don’t worry, all bleeding stops, eventually.”

“I don’t recognize that EKG pattern, keep shocking him. Again. One more time. Nope, not yet.”

And a slightly off-topic bit of physician humor.

Taxonomy Of Medical Professions
[ul][li]An acher of bacteriologists[/li][li]A murmur of cardiologists[/li][li]A stain of cytotechnologists[/li][li]A rash of dermatologists[/li][li]A speck of forensic pathologists[/li][li]A poke of gynecologists[/li][li]A vessel of heart surgeons[/li][li]A clot of hematologists[/li][li]A nursery of obstetricians[/li][li]A dose of pharmacists[/li][li]A pile of proctologists[/li][li]A stream of urologists[/li]A breath of respiratory therapists[/ul]

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*I have always wondered if someone under anasthesia could become aroused.

*What does Guinness have listed for fastest heart surgery?

*This might have been easier if we had put him face up on the table.

*Remember, for this surgery left hands only people.

*No, I don’t think a rusty scalpel is a major problem.

*Does anyone else ever feel like the pressure to succeed was almost enough to make you snap?

*Ooops, there goes my beeper. Ah dang, the malpractice board wants to see me AGAIN?

17

“Uh-Oh”

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Damn! I hate it when that happens!

Ummm, Jerry, could you come here for a second? I’ve never seen this before!

< upon closure >

Uhh, did we have 45 sponges or 48?

VB

Remember, you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!

19

“I thought you said we were working on a male.”

20

Ouch! I broke a nail!

Did anyone see where that went?

Scalpel… scissors… chainsaw…

Dang! I never can keep my atriums and ventricles straight!

All right! The pizza’s here!

How much insurance does this guy have, again?

Hey! This is the guy who cut me off in traffic the other day!

Wow, look at all the little artery thingies!

Nurse, did you sterilize your hands? Heh heh! Me neither!

An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.