The Toy Fair is going on in New York through today. Among the toys introduced is a new Sesame Street toy which blows my mind- Elmo Live. This Elmo can talk, sing, sit down, cross his legs, tell stories and jokes, and other things in a very lifelike manner. Look at how real he acts! Obviously, the Muppacolypse is upon us. Our new robot Muppet masters will be coming for us. And I am ready.
Cute, but can he cook?
I prefer Elmo dead to Elmo live.
God, I’ll be seeing that in my nightmares!
I’ll be waiting for the Muppetteer’s Union strike now.
I don’t get all this hate for the guy.
I mean, he’s got a hilarious standup routine about kids. And I thought the bit part he had in UHF was pretty funny.
Ok, the pageboy haircut is a little disturbing, but I stopped having nightmares about that a long time ago.
When I can I go into the supermarket and buy the robotic Muppet cranky old men in the balcony with my good looks?
And I’ll be hearing that in my sleep, because my two littlest ones adore Elmo. I was so grateful when the batteries in the oldest Elmo went dead, but those damn batteries seem to last forever.
They have Tickle Me Elmo, Let’s Pretend Elmo, Chicken Dance Elmo, and some weird Village People type of Elmo that sings to the tune of “Y.M.C.A.” Oh, and the Hokey-Pokey Elmo, and the potty-training Elmo, and probably half a dozen others that I’ve hidden.
Guess what they’re going to want this year… 
“Through technology, we are able to bring toys to life like never before.”
That’s a cunning move. I hear technology is all the rage, these days.
I’m Elmo of Borg. Your life as you have come to know it is over. Prepare yourself for assimilation.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!
Elmo Phillips? Isn’t he that guy who sings Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer?
I always wanted to see a Muppet rendition of Pride and Prejudice.
I just haven’t worked out the casting in my head. Where would the Swedish Chef fit in to the scheme of it all?
Oh. Yay. Another expensive talking toy that will be the hit of the birthday party and lost under the bed forever three days later. It can join our storytelling Barney*, our Elmo Knows Your Name and our cartwheeling “Tigger Time” Tigger** as dustbunny collectors.
Really, why do people have children if they don’t want to play with them, sing to them, tell them stories, give them hugs and tell them they love them…all by themselves?
*Aside from being able to stand up, I don’t see why this Elmo is so different from our Barney, who has light sensors in his eyes to play peek-a-boo, sings songs when you squeeze his toe and plays simple games when you squeeze his hand.
**Yes, all of these came from my mother-in-law, how did you guess?
Let’s see, it’s February…Christmas is a little over ten months away…if I buy a dozen of these things as soon as they’re available I should be able to turn them around at 5 to 10 times original price as long as I do it right after Thanksgiving.
After Christmas I won’t be able to give them away.
How long after this Youtube video do we get some other Youtube videos where the New Elmo is shotgunned, flamethrowered, firecrackered, folded, spindled, and mutilated?
Elmo.
Now brought to you by Delos Corporation.
He would stand in nicely for Mr. Collins. All he’d have to do is say “de Bourgh, de Bourgh, bork bork bork”, and the meaning would be pretty clear.
You see, this is why I only let my kids play with Elmo toys at the store. They can press his little red fuzzy hand and listen to YMCA over and over at Toys r Us, and then we go home to an Elmo-free existence. I feel sorry for toy store employees, but I love all those “Try Me” buttons so many toys have today. I let them press whatever they want, and then we go home with only the memories.
I was thinking Cybertronic. Too on-the-nose?
All well and good, but does he still masturbate like a motherfuck?