Took my kid to Sesame Place on Friday. It’s $35 apiece to walk in. My daughter, who’s under 2 got in free. It’s $7 to park, $12 if you want preferred parking (read “in the same state”)
So, we go in, and the first thing we have to do is rent a locker. $6.00.
We walk in just in time for the Big Bird review show that starts at 11:00. I have to admit that it’s pretty cool, although Big Bird looked a little threadbare (did you know he sees out of his tie?)
Another thing that seemed weird was that I was really turned on by Elmo. I figured by the way Elmo moved, I could tell there was a female in the costume. Elmo, undeniably had a great ass, and the red fur was oddly appealing. Every movement the lady in the Elmo suit made just oozed sex.
Anyway, so I sit there through the review with my wife and kid and about 300 other toddlers. and I’m getting all cookied up over Elmo.
So after the review we go to this one area that is like a giant padded room with all kinds of stuff to climb over. I set my daughter loose with 20 other toddlers and she runs around jumping and crashing into pads and other kids.
Eventually she just gets so silly she’s hurling herself with reckless abandon, so I take her out, and we move on.
I climb like three sets of stairs to get to the top of this slide my daughter and I can ride down. I get there and sit my daughter on my lap.
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow double riders. Only one at a time.” It’s some pimple faced attendant.
“I specifically chose this ride because I saw people going down with their children,” I say. Behind him, some fat guy launches down the slide with a toddler in each arm and a cigarette in his mouth.
“I’m sorry sir, it’s not safe. Your daughter can ride by herself.”
“By herself sure isn’t. It’s a long way and she could start to tumble and hurt herself. This way I can control it.” Behind him a lady rides down the slide with a kid in her lap. What’s up with this ass.
“I’m sorry sir, but it’s park poli… Hey!”
“Wheeeeeee!” My daughter and I go shooting down the slide (I must have slipped. Heh. heh. He’d never catch me.)
We go over to the water area, and there’s this cool pool that’s maybe 2 feet deep at the deepest. There’s all kinds of fountain and things, and things to climb. I put my daughter in her bathing suit, and we go splashing around she loves it. We do this for an hour, while my wife lounges in a chair.
At this point let me describe the park and its occupants. It’
s smallish, and there’s not many rides. Good stuff for little kids though. The guest are mostly parents with kids up to about age 12 with the majority being 2-8 olds. Most everybody is well-behaved, pleasant and considerate. We’re all there to show our kids a good time.
Just like the Sesame Street show, the occupants are about 1/3 white, 1/3 black, and 1/3 hispanic Japanese or other. Just like the show, everybody is nice and gets along, and is friendly. It’s enough to restore your faith in society, and it’s very nice, not like my last visit to an amusement park which had lots of racial tension and quite a few ganbanger type kids causing major problems and safety issues. So, it’s very pleasant.
We go back to the locker and get changed. About this time, I notice something, that’s been stuck in the back of my mind.
There’s a very tiny but noticeable minority in the park. They are predominantly white males. They don’t have kids with them. They are not dressed for a water park. They sit on benches and other out of the way areas with a good view. I noticed this maybe two or three times.
There’s a guy positioned near the kiddie pool. He has a look on his face that I know well. I remember it from College, when it used to occupy my face and that of my friends with great frequency.
If you’ve ever been at a party where all of a sudden a gorgeous or scantily clad woman enters, you can see this look on the face of many of the men as they pretend they aren’t watching her. At the same time they position themselves so they can see her, sometimes they stare quite openly.
I don’t think I was imagining it, but I saw a few people there who seemed to be primarily interested in watching little kids romp around in bathing suits. Creepy. Again, I know that expression, so I feel this is an accurate representation.
I noticed this only a couple of times. It wasn’t a big deal, and didn’t retard the experience of the park. It made me more vigilant though, which I guess is a good thing.
So we get dressed and eat lunch. I have to wait on line for half an hour, and it costs almost thirty dollars for a meal that would cost less than ten anywhere else. Oh well.
Then we get to see the brand new live performance of “Elmo’s World,” which was very good. My kid loved it and the Mister Noodle look-alike was extremely talented and stole the show. Their must have been a different Elmo in this costume, becuase I didn’t get turned on, which is probably a good thing.
We walked around and did some more rides, and slides and play areas. Around 4:00 it seemed my daughter was about played out and it was time to go.
We go to the gift store and I drop almost $200. I get a new anniversary edition “tickle-me-Elmo.” My daughter’s old Elmo isn’t “tickle me” anymore. He must be sick. Now he’s epilepsy Elmo. He usually doesn’t vibrate, but once in a while he’ll start shaking, and you’ll hear grinding gears inside him. He looks like he’s having a spastic fit, and instead of laughing, his little speaker puts out a garbled choking sound. This scares my daughter (and me,) so a new “tickle me Elmo” was definitely in order.
I buy three tshirts. One is the Mona Lisa except it’s the Cookie Monster. One is the “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” painting except with Sesame Street characters. One is a cookie monster tank top. I buy the Sesame Street sticker Extravaganza playset, a large thirty nine dollar Elmo doll, that my daughter won’t put down, and the "Elmo in Grouchland " video.
We walk towards the exit, and there’s Elmo! You can wait in line and get your picture taken with him. My daughter will love this.
We wait, and wait, and wait. After 20 minutes there’s only a couple of people ahead of us. Elmo puts his hand on the attendant and the attendant looks in Elmo’s mouth. Elmo gets up surrounded by attendants and leaves waving.
What a Prima Donna!
Oh, sure Elmo, I guess it got to hot for you in all that fur, and you couldn’t take it anymore just because it’s almost ninety degrees!
Tell that to my daughter!
All I know is I dropped almost five big ones here, and that’s just today! We have all your stuff. My daughter watches you every day! You owe me! You owe me a free picture!
I guess with all the fame and wine, women and song, your just too good for your fans, huh? You’re just phoning it in, you fraud. You just wanna go back to your trailer and do a few lines of coke and drink until you pass out in your own vomit! I know you Elmo. I know what you’ve become!
I remember when the fans used to come first, befor you became a star. Look at the Count! He’s still here. Sure he may not be as popular as you, but he’s a worker! He’s doing it. He knows what this business is about!
Screw this.
I take my camera and hand it to my wife. Moving quickly, I get in front of the heat-stroked Elmo and the attendants that are practically dragging him.
Big smile on my face as I block the way. On cue, my duaghter cries “ELLLLMMMOOOO!” with delight.
“Just one quick picture, please? It’ll make my duaghter’s day, please?”
“I’m sorry sir, but picture time is over and…” I ignore the attendant, elbow my way up to Elmo. I causally push the attendant out of the way, and push my daughter up to Elmo, who somehow musters the strength to stand up straight and pat my child on the head (God, Elmo smells like sweat!)
My wife takes the picture as we pose.
As we leave I see that Elmo has been trapped by several more parents while I detained him, and cannot escape. The crow gathers, and the atteendants stand around frowning.
Serves him right.
We go and get a picture with The Count. The Count is pretty cool. Being a vampire, you’d think the heat and sun would bother him, but no.
We leave. Mission accomplished.
