I Pit thee, E-L-M-O...

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok, so I’m home today, working on a report, and for a little background noise, i click on the telly. Seems like I couldn’t have made a bigger mistake if I set my gentials on fire, and tried to put them out with a barbecue fork.

I suppose, by the frequency and volume of the commercials that the Writhing Spectre of Sulphurous Hell, or Dancing Elmo, is one of the toys being direct marketed to our nations youth, this toy buying season. Which, is cool, you know, in the spirit of profits and all that, but my objectifyin comes in around commercial time.

Time that happens to coincide with the time when I’m peacefully sitting in the breeze of the unseasonable 72 degree day in Chicago’s November, with the windows open, the sun shining in, and my nimble digits, dancing furiously about the notebook keyboard, prattling on about the benefits of spending nearly 300k on a suite of software for our police/fire departments.

In the middle of my zen-like work state, crosslegged on the fold out couch, the telly speaker explodes in my ears with "DANCING ELMO, KIDS LOVE TO GET DOWN WITH E-L-M-O, then the Writhing Spectre of Sulphurous Hell begins to SING.

Yes, that’s right, SING.

In that annoyingly chipper, helium stained throat, the machine puppet barks out “E-L-MMM-OH, EE-EL-MMMOHH”.

It’s an affront to the very nature of my existance and sensiblities. I saw it a total of eleven times in three hours, but could only bear to hear the saccarine sing-song sales shanty once. It will be seared into the depths of my cerebellum until death. When I am old, and devoid of anything meaningful, tied to a chair in some forgotten retirement home, evacuating in my pants, and drooling my pureed bologna on to someone elses shirt, I will be screaming E-L-MMM-OH, EE-EL-MMMOHH at the top of my lungs, much to the chagrin of my polish speaking caretakers.

Damn you ELMO, Damn you all to heck.

2

snickers
I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune, sorry.

snickers

chortles

laughs

Oh, fuck it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I totally have an image of you leaping off the couch broken out of your zen-like concentration.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

3

I have a brother that thinks it’s funny to buy this kind of stuff for my son. I have Hokey Pokey Elmo and Potato Sack Racer Elmo that, really - if you’ve never heard Elmo and Cookie Monster potato sack racing across a hardwood floor at 6:00 am on a Saturday morning, well, it’s just what I imagine the voices of angels sound like, I tell ya.
When I heard about the YMCA Elmo I absolutely forbade him to buy it. I have a feeling it will be under the Christmas tree.
I have resorted to threatening his (long time, probably will be his wife) girlfriend.
I think my last Hokey Pokey Elmo experience when we had done the dance 4576 times in a row I gave a menacing look and growled something about ‘reaping the whirlwind.’

4

As I was walking down an aisle Wal mart, I turned and saw displayed unashameably for all to see: E-L-M-O Singing and Dancing Elmo. It’s obscene writhing and eerie singing, “Give Elmo an E!” “Give Elmo an L!” “Give Elmo an M!” “Give Elmo an O!” Give Elmo your soul!"

5

It can’t be!

But…

The Origin of E - L - M - O

6

If I may tack on a related mini-rant…

What the hell is with Fox’s commercials for their new trading wives show? The one that has some little bastard kid screaming at the top of his lungs for a good seven or eight seconds behind the rest of the voiceover. The only thing worse are those commercials that use annoying alarm-clock buzzing.

7

Someone’s been reading Bill O’Reilly for Kids?

As for singing Elmo, I just get tickled at the idea of Elmo pushing a variation of a gay advocacy song. :wink:

8

Sure, you laugh now, but you would have REALLY gone to pieces seeing me go ass over teakettle reaching for the remote, while standing up on a leg that neglected to inform me it had gone to sleep, while trying to avoid the Dog.

Now THAT is high comedy.

9

Have you seen the ads for the new Care Bear fitness bears? They sing “Physical”. Very appropriate :rolleyes: . Wonder how much of the original lyrics they sing?

Susan

10

I think they omitted the chorus and just left in:

“I’m saying all the things that I know you’ll like, makin’ good conversation
I gotta handle you just right, you know what I mean
I took you to an intimate restaurant, then to a suggestive movie
There’s nothin’ left to talk about, unless it’s horizontally”

11

When I saw an ad for this monstrosity, I turned to my boyfriend and said, “That’s the sort of toy you get for a kid whose parents you hate.”

He agreed.

shudder

12

Man oh man, if anyone gets my daughter this for Christmas, I will shit. She *loves * Elmo, and taking it away from her would be the worst thing I could do, practically.
For her birthday, someone gave her a talking Raggedy Ann. Raggedy Ann isn’t supposed to talk, for Christ’s sake. This one is a “learn to dress” doll, with buttons and zippers and the like. I do appreciate that, but if I have to hear Raggedy Ann ask my daughter “Can you find my pretty flower?” (in a rather suggestive voice, I might add), I’m gonna go nuts.

13

And have you noticed that on Sesame Street, every song Elmo sings is actually just Jingle Bells with new lyrics?

Hair Hair Hair
Hair Hair Hair
hair HAIR hair hair hair

Draw Draw Draw
Draw Draw Draw
draw DRAW draw draw draw

14

That’s “Elmo’s World”, not Sesame Street.

15

Hatred of cute, innocent monster noted.

I need clarification though: when you say “polish speaking” are you referring to Pledge, Old English, or some other furniture burnisher?

16

Elmo’s World is like a cancer inside Sesame Street these days. Or it was the last time I watched it. I was displeased to find that this memory of my childhood had been sullied with Extra Elmo.

Note that I like Kevin Clash, who does Elmo. His Benny the Bunny is really entertaining, and pretty much the opposite of Elmo. But Elmo is pure EEEVIL.

17

Does November come to Chicago earlier than the rest of the U.S.? Did I not get the memo? :confused:

18

I expected to hate Elmo, but actually since the rest of Sesame Street (at least the version we’re watching on Noggin) is so dead, he’s a source of some energy.

Not that I’d welcome any of those obnoxious dolls in my house.

I miss Kermit.

19

Probably he is referring to the language that is spoken in Poland.

20

Yes, but is that Pledge? Old English? What?