I have to agree with Ravenman, I think what you’re doing is seriously ill-considered and that you went onto a message board in the hope of finding validation for a plan you already know to be foolish. As much as you wish it to be, I don’t think this is the solution to your problems. Realise that you’re getting a very biased sampling of opinions here.
As much as I like the OP’s idea of leaving the school environment, which obviously has not worked out for him so far, this post makes the most sense to me. Reply, you keep describing your issues in terms of weakness and laziness. I’ve seen that around here before from other people with mental health issues. I don’t think it’s accurate and more importantly I don’t think that attitude is going to help you. Finding a direction is probably going to help, but the answer to some of those problems isn’t just “suck it up.”
Good for you. I did much the same thing when I was a young guy (I’m an old fart now), and it was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
I’m a firm believer in metaphorically pushing your boat out into the ocean and seeing where the current and the wind take you.
If you are living off of credit cards and food stamps, you are digging a hole in the ground with a freakin’ excavator.
I think depressed people tend to interpret their depression as laziness and weakness. It’s not an uncommon myth about depression.
I think,** Reply**, you have every reason to trust your doctors in their assessment of your mental health diagnoses. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t trust your own gut. Some of the best decisions I’ve made for myself (such as temporarily withdrawing from college, going off meds and switching from psychodynamic to CBT therapy) I did against the reccomendation of my doctors. If I had gone with their gut instead of mine, I’d still be hiding under the covers somewhere, wishing I was dead.
The kind of environment you’re considering sounds like it’s very structured and routine with few complications… exactly the thing psychologically sick people can benefit from, in the same way someone graduates to solid foods while getting over the flu. I do believe the current emphasis right now is on what you should be doing, what others want you to do, what successful people supposedly do. Success, however, can be measured in all sorts of ways. Finding a way to be content with things just as they are spells more success to me than almost any other accomplishment.
Good luck.
On the bright side, this seems pretty cool. You’ll probably feel better about yourself, make some good friends, and learn a lot. Good luck with everything, Reply.
Think of it as a potential well from which to draw creativity.
to expand on this for example my last in class presentation was on how to be prepared for a test. So to get people’s attention I started off my hand out with a demotivator full of pictures of people, including Picard, a storm trooper, animals and video game characters face palming with the caption “regret; a potential result of not being prepared for a test”. Then had a sheet of good test taking tips. Then the last sheet was a picture of a very excited Captain Picard with the caption “it’s full of win!” in a demotivator that said “Picard; reading the results of a test he was prepared for”
Anyway always used better judgment depending on teacher, class, situation, etc.
The living off credit cards thing, when you don’t have to, is a big ol’ red flag to me. Not in the “you’re really depressed!” sense but in the “you’re doing very bad things to your life when you don’t have to be” sense. A lot of credit card companies are cutting back credit limits on even their better customers - what happens when they get around to dealing with you and suddenly your credit limit is cut to below your current balance? Now not only do you lose your only source of money, but your expected payment amount per month goes through the roof.
Having dealt with severe depression and suicidal ideation in the past, I can only wish you good luck. You may succeed wildly, or come out of this even worse (dead, drug-addicted, etc.). Only problem is, I’m not sure we can predict which one.
I also suspect there are issues besides wanting to fix the depression that are leading you to this route, but that’s just a gut feeling. Just keep an eye out for what else in your head might have a hand on the wheel, so to speak.
Self analysis will unhinge you my friend. You have got to learn to turn off your curious monkey mind or it will always rule you. It’s important you get the upper hand.
These are the choices you’ve taken, embrace them, don’t second guess them. These kind of life adventures require fully open hearts and minds if they are to succeed. You can’t learn to swim on dry land. Eventually you have to take that leap of faith and jump in!
And good luck I think you’re on the right path!
From this thread:
I don’t know if your choice is right or not, what will happen to your mental health, etc., but your post reminded me of the above thread and this quote in particular.
Sounds like a path that could benefit more people than realize it. Ditto on 86’ing the self-doubt. That will sink you faster than a paper yacht. This isn’t a “can I hack it, can’t i hack it” situation though, IMO. This is a " I will get through this no matter what" situation. Your need seems to be a lack of persistance or perserverance without a crutch of some kind. You can’t give up, you can’t give in, no matter how hard it is (barring illegal, excessively dangerous or immoral things) stick with it.
Good for you. Become who you want to become, not what your friends want you to become.
Exactly. My own situation was somewhat similar to the OP’s, though perhaps not as extreme. I was on academic probation my junior year. The quarter before I took a break, I took four classes, dropped one, and got a B+ and two Ds. I had never gotten Ds before in my life. I knew I wanted to finish school, but I also knew I just needed a break to sort things out. Looking back at it, I definitely was going through an undiagnosed depression, but I never had thoughts of suicide or anything like that. There was also never any doubt that I would return to finish college.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching for me to break the news to my parents, but I knew I couldn’t go on, and I needed a real change in scenery to impel the change in me. I had absolutely no doubt this was the correct choice for me, and I took it with great positive energy. I applied for a work-exchange program in England, moved there, worked in a kitchen in Scotland, made a couple thousand quid, then volunteered in Slovenia and Croatia for about four or five months. There were lonely times, but the adventure and exploration completely rejuvenated me. Plus the photographs I took down there (I was a budding photojournalist–still am in the field, but no longer centered on strict journalism), built up my portfolio and got me my first job out of college.
When I came back, after a total of about nine months away, my academics were never better. I went from a C+ student to a B+/A- student. It was a little difficult readjusting to life in the US, but it was great to prove to myself and my parents that I had done the right thing for me. Without this experience, I would not be where I am today.
I can’t say this will work out the same way for the OP but, as I said upthread, sometimes you know exactly what you have to do, and you have to trust yourself.
Ah, one more thing. I see you’re doing this, but it’s important to set yourself some goals, find a way of achieving them, and follow through with them. That was the biggest thing for me. I always knew I had the ability, but, like you, sometimes I lacked the discipline. I said to myself: I’m moving to Britain, I’m going to find a job in Scotland, I’m going to find a way to get down to the former Yugoslavia to volunteer, etc., and then I did it. Every time something worked out for me–from being able to land in a foreign country and find a job in a week to researching volunteer opportunities in Slovenia and Croatia and figuring out my way down there from England (I had a family friend in Wolverhampton who was my contact) to sticking through with my job–it was another little boost to my self-confidence. Even some of the crazier goals – like meeting Seamus Heaney, albeit briefly in a back alley after a poetry reading – I managed to accomplish, and it gave me a thrill.
So give yourself those concrete goals, follow through with them, and hopefully that sense of accomplishment and finishing tasks will help you.
In a phenomenally ill-considered, tragically impulsive, and disgustingly self-indulgent move, I’m going to post the following…
[spoiler]I’m loathe to resuscitate a thread halfway to zombieism (advanced stages of decomposition, perhaps?), but this little plan of mine is most emphatically Not Working™ and… :smack: :eek: :mad: 
It’s fucking cold every morning, finding a place to piss at night is fucking annoying, the cops don’t like it when I sleep on their turf, the temp jobs have dried up, I’m losing/cutting loose my friends one by one, the drinking and binging is getting much, MUCH worse, the bills are coming in, the debt is piling up, my psyche is an utter wreck and I can’t stop thinking about suicide (though idly, for the most part)…
Whine, whine, whine, it’s all I ever do, I know, but how do I change it?!! Even when there is absolutely nothing wrong, it’s like my mind deliberately makes something up, like I have this chronic subconscious fear of happiness that drives me to self-sabotage and unwarranted drama every time things are on the upturn.
I try to focus on the positive. I still (for now) have the CCC job even though I revealed to them how fucked up I truly am (because I’m on some self-righteous crusade of honesty and openness and possess zero common sense), I’m still alive, I still have the Internet and the Dope and my Mastercard and my car and warm showers and many other creature comforts, I’m much luckier than others, I live in a fucking awesome town, I’ve been volunteering nonstop and trying to focus on external issues, I’ve been exercising and trying to get in shape for the job, blah blah blah…
But it’s all one huge motherfucking LIE. I can’t hack it; I’m not strong enough! I’m not the misunderstood superkid I want to pretend I am and I can’t just snap my fingers, make all the naysayers go away, and miraculously become Me 2.0, new and improved for your enjoyment. I’m just a fucking loser with an ego rivaled only by his own stupidity.
I can fake strength, I can bullshit and manipulate my way through most any situation, I can smile and put on face and act normal with the best of 'em but I cannot fool myself.
I’m not ok, am I? Of course I’m crazy.
I need to check myself in, don’t I?
But I don’t want to be forcibly medicated. I don’t like the fleeting thoughts, the emotional instability, the restlessness, the anxiety, the panic attacks. I don’t like the condescending way they talk to me as though I were a retarded 3-year-old. I don’t want to lose my job. I don’t want to be even more disconnected from the world I’m trying so hard to forcibly squeeze into. I don’t like the padded rooms and straightjackets and chained windows. I’m so sick of screaming into pillows so they won’t hear me and I can pretend to myself that I’m somehow saner than the others. I don’t want my conversations to be limited to whackjob conspiracies and “Jesus will save you!” and “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” and incessant head-banging followed by the nurses’ “Now, now, sweetie. Screaming isn’t going to help, is it? Calm down and take a pill. Come on, now, it’s for your own good. Dinner in an hour, ok?”
If I can just hang in there for another measly week and a half, I can focus on work, be in a group environment (which I’m usually literally 10x better in, for whatever reason) and not wallow in this bullshit. But I wonder if I’m not putting the program in jeopardy, if I’m not simply postponing an inevitable breakdown that’s bound to eventually erupt into needless self-destructive drama, much to the :eek:/:rolleyes: of all involved. After all, that’s what happened with my family, my old friends, my summer roommates, my brand new, kickass dorm unit, my hapless local friends, my Craigslist acquaintances, all my other jobs, my Facebook, my other social networking profiles…
Heck, postponing? I think I’m already so far off the deep end I circled 'round and came back behind 'em and caught 'em off-guard. That’s the only way I’m able to feign any semblance of normality at all. I just don’t give a shit anymore and that calloused detachment makes people think, if only for a few minutes/days/weeks, that I’m just another normal guy… but I’m not
What I am is an immature, narcissistic, selfish, whiny, attention-whoring piece of shit. I’m not even ashamed of it anymore. I have no shame left.
Please help me.
But you can’t. No one can.
I’m gonna grab another beer. 
Cuz (wannabe) alcoholism makes me soooooo cool, like Nicholas Cage in Leavin’ Las Vegas. Yeah, that’s me. :rolleyes:
Someone needs to bitchslap me, Pit me, then shoot me. Please.
[/spoiler]
I am really, really sorry to read that things are getting worse. It is heartbreaking to me. I have no idea how anyone who posts here could offer any actually useful advice other than to urge you to go back to the professionals you have worked with before and explain you’re in a state of crisis.
That is probably the most unsatisfying answer you could get, but they actually know you and the problems you have had. Short of that, appealing to your friends and family to help you to take that necessary step is all I can think of.
Again, I wish someone could make all the problems go away, but we know that can’t happen. But please get professional help.
Ick. I was really drunk. Please just ignore that last post.
If you learn nothing else, learn this now;
The words you choose when you self reference have power like black magic. As you define yourself so shall you be.
When you say this, “What I am is an immature, narcissistic, selfish, whiny, attention-whoring piece of shit”, you are ensuring that this is, indeed, all in your future.
Everyone in your town and on this board can clearly see that you are young and struggling. Being young means that what you are is raw material. All young people are made of the finest raw materials, and everyone older than you knows it. Until you recognize it though, little will change for you.
Be very careful how you choose to self reference you are creating yourself when you do.
There is a world of difference between;
“I am an immature little prick.” and " I hope, one day, to be less of an immature little prick."
Good luck to you anyway.
(Also, self medicating with alcohol is a bad idea when facing challenging times. Challenging times require clarity, well, I’m sure you see my point.)
Hey, man, it’s OK.
Let me just say that you have truly chosen a non-traditional approach to your problems. You will, of course, be criticized for doing that. On the other hand, one thing I’ve learned in life is that someone will always criticize you, no matter what you do or how successful you are.
It’s possible - but you are young enough to start over if you must. Bear with me to the end of this post, because I’m inclined to believe you actually haven’t make a mistake, or at least, not a big one.
That can work. I won’t say it will work for ALL people lacking discipline, but it can and has worked for some.
That was a hell of a baptism by fire.
That is also possible.
If I sound a bit wishy-washy it’s because I do not personally know you, nor am I an expert or professional in psychology. I’m just stating that, while I personally can’t determine if you are right or wrong in your particular case, it is certainly possible that you are correct.
My goodness - well, you DID learn something from all that, right? May I add that once you have learned something from being homeless it is not necessary to continue being homeless?
I’ve known a lot of people who didn’t “grow up” until 30, or who had to deal with mental or physical issues that slowed them down in comparison to their peers. Know what? Ignore all that. It’s YOUR life. Better to deal with your mental junk early so the rest of your life is more enjoyable than to run the rat race, keep up with the Joneses, and wonder why you aren’t as happy as you though you would be. I know people who didn’t start families until they were 40. My sister entered medical school at 46. You still have a lot of time to do things.
I can’t condone living off a credit card, although if you must do that right now to survive I can’t condemn you either. I am well aware that finding a job right now is tough, but try to get your finances under control. Discussing how to do that, however, would probably take another thread.
The questions to ask yourself after you do your stint with CCC are as follows:
- Am I physically healthier?
- Am I mentally healthier?
- Have I made any progress in paying down my debts?
If you can answer “yes” to any two of the above then you will know you have definitely made a correct choice. Even one “yes” would be positive. I sincerely hope you get three out of three as a yes.
Sounds like you have a plan, at least. The trick will be to follow through, then evaluate if it was a good decision or not.
I view that as you having a grasp of reality. You are taking a risk here. I don’t think it’s an outrageous one, but the fear is your subconscious saying that there’s real risk. Part of growing up is learning to deal with risk, and learning to do things even when you’re afraid.
What’s your Ultimate Fall Back Plan? Go back to mom and dad and say “I screwed up again - I tried to hack it on my own and it didn’t work. Can you help me out?” That’s really not such a bad plan. I mean, it’s annoying if you keep asking your parents to bail you out, but assuming they care about you, you’ll at least have a place to sleep and you won’t starve to death. From there, you can try something else.
Then you go back to mom and dad and ask for their help. You won’t really know one way or another until you try, will you? I wouldn’t push or encourage you to take the risks you have and are planning to, but since you have already embarked on this journey I am willing to support your efforts and wish you well.
Not knowing your official diagnosis or what you’ve been told or much of your history I really can’t say - but if what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked then there is merit in trying something else.
It’s impossible to say. I think this is either going to be a really good thing for you or a really bad thing. In which case, I’m glad you’re scared because you are dealing with serious stuff.
To my mind, what an adult needs to do in life is to make sure they have adequate shelter, food, and clothing; be able to pay their bills/debts; keep themselves reasonably safe; and don’t hurt other people. You don’t need a college education or a big income to do all that, although money seldom hurts. If you can be satisfied with shopping for second-hand clothes, living in a small space, eating frugally, and so forth then the prospect of being self-supporting is less daunting. You may not wish to exist in that state forever, but supporting yourself for awhile, even in a very minimal lifestyle, will do wonders for your self-confidence. You mention debts and that can be very much a problem. However, there is a mechanism for resetting your finances called “bankruptcy”. I don’t often recommend it, but if your bills exceed what you are able to pay then that is the time to investigate the possibility. You will need to consult a bankruptcy attorney, though, and not take advice from over the internet. Life is much easier if you aren’t overshadowed by crushing debts.
That’s hard to do. You need to evaluate whether you can keep doing this plan and if it’s likely to work; you’ve put yourself in a position of enormous stress and it doesn’t seem to be helping. Dismissing your problems as whining and weakness is also not helping you and you should probably stop disregarding your problems, and talk to someone instead of trying to tough your way through them.