You might remember a recent thread of mine lamenting a lack of response from my husband’s family about if they were coming to the wedding or not. I really wish they’d come, but any response would’ve been nice.
Well, we got one.
Owls’ aunt and uncle can’t make it. His uncle is in the construction business, and this is his busy season, plus he has a client that wants his house finished ASAP. Owls’ grandparents and one cousin aren’t likely to come for the same reason, as it’s a family business. His other cousin just started a new job, so likely she won’t make it either. Disappointing, but fair enough.
What’s really frustrating though is that neither of his sisters is likely to make it either. One is owed money by her (soon to be former) roommate and can’t afford the trip without it*. She’s not expecting it back–in fact, she’s asked the roommate to move out because she wasn’t paying for anything and doesn’t have a job–SIL can’t afford to feed them both. The younger SIL is really frustrating though, partly because Owls is closer to her, but mainly because we’d moved the date of the wedding up a month mainly for her benefit–she was pregnant and was due shortly after our original date, so she wouldn’t be able to fly. (There was another reason–MIL (and originally this SIL–I don’t know what she’s planning any more) is starting school around the same time, and she’s driving up rather than flying. That was a secondary consideration). Well, she just got married herself, and is saying that she needs to get a new passport because of the name change. I’m not sure how legitimate this is, as I would think she’d have enough time–the best man got it faster and he originally couldn’t get his birth certificate to even file for the damn thing. Either way, odds are she’s not going to make it as things stand now.
The other people he invited can’t make it either. One of those was expected, but I know one of the other two must be hard on him–it was a pastor that is a kind of father figure to him, and Owls had mentioned before that even if the pastor wasn’t presiding over the wedding, he’d like him to at least be there.
So right now we have 65 people planning to come. Over 60 of them are guests of mine–mostly family, a few friends and a couple bridesmaids from out of town. I know this was more for my family than his in the first place (it’ll be my first trip back up in over a year, and my mother’s family will take any excuse for a renunion), but I don’t want it to be only about me.
*I would offer to pay for her if our own financial situation was better–aside from the wedding expenses, we also just bought a car (yes, it was pretty much a necessity) so our savings are nearly tapped out right now.
Sure, it’s disappointing, but don’t sweat it. You’re going to have plenty of wedding-planning stress in any event; just breathe deep, say, “So it is”, and carry on.
And have a good time at the wedding.
I know it’s not the same, but is there any chance that at some point you could have a “wedding reception” (i.e., party) for his family, closer to where they live? I don’t know if that would actually make you feel any better or not, though.
Actually, I haven’t had that much stress over the wedding other than finances. Since the wedding is happening in Nova Scotia, my mother’s been planning most of it–I’ve given some input about what I do and don’t want (there will be no roses, for instance), and it being a Catholic wedding, there was the prep BS they make you do, but Mom and the wedding planner are dealing with all the details.
I will try to enjoy it though. It’ll be nice to see my family (well, as much as possible–several cousins can’t make it, but I understand), and I’m sure they’ll have lots of fun bugging Owls about our relationship. Especially Taunt Rose…I kind of dread seeing her, actually, for that reason. But I’m sure they’ll make things interesting, in a good way, and I bet Grandpere will be happy to be able to see his youngest grandchild getting married (I’m not the last, just the youngest).
Okay, it’s technically a co-validation from the church’s point of view, but this is kind of the ‘real’ wedding for us. Not having even his sisters there is going to sting a little I think.
Well but I think this is what is going on then. You’re family is getting a reunion out of the deal … it’s not about him but it’s not really all about you either. The guests on your side are, I assume, conveniently local or looking forward see family who they do not get to visit with regularly. His family would be traveling to another country, and would spend time chit chatting with people they could otherwise visit with much less time and expense.
Mostly just conveniently local. All my aunts and uncles are coming regardless of where they live, but most if not all of my cousins who live away aren’t–not that I blame them. I also haven’t had a chance to see many of them in a while, on both sides, and I’m looking forward to seeing my younger cousins again–they started high school around the time I started college, so it’s MY turn to be bugging people about boyfriends
If your husband-to-be’s family isn’t local to the wedding, and none of them can make it, then I think it could be fun to have a second party with them closer to where most of them are. It can be less formal, perhaps just a BBQ at someone’s house, but you can arrive in your wedding outfits and get your hair done (if that’s what you did for the “real” one) and give them all a chance to get pictures too. I don’t think it has to be expensive, and if I were the family member that couldn’t make it but this second party was done for, I’d be happy to help pay, since I know weddings cost a lot all ready and this is above and beyond.
Anyways, it might be something you’d want to talk to your family to. A lot can be done with a BBQ, store bought hors d’oeuvres, and a willing and entertaining group of people!
We heard from one of Owls’ cousins today via my mother (she’s taking the RSVPs). While she can’t make it, she did have this to day–“since the schlake clan cannot be here with you two, dad and I decided to do something special for the wedding. you’ll have to wait and see.”
While I still wish more of his family could make it (we’ll see about wrangling at least one sister up–my aunt has offered her spare bedroom for someone who needs it) I am feeling better about the whole thing. Being able to talk to people who aren’t involved has helped me work things out a lot–thank you all.
I’m getting married in a few weeks, and I think it’s going to be about an 80:20 split between her friends and family and mine. In terms of actual family it’ll probably be more like 95:5. But then, I have a small extended family, whom I am not particularly close to, and hers is very big. Plus, I got on much better with most of her folks than with mine, so all is good!
It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for you, but you have to realize that even if this is important to you, the fact that you’re already married is what is important to others. It’s a done deal in their eyes. It doesn’t mean they don’t approve or don’t want to be there.
