Here’s the story. My SO, Steve, and I have been together for 6 1/2 years. We have a four year old son together. This past Valentine’s Day, he asked me to marry him. So, we began to plan the wedding. Here’s some background:
I am from the Chicago area, and Steve is from southern Kansas. We met in Chicago, and moved to Denver 3 years ago. So, where should we get married? Of course, we did the rational thing and decided to get hitched in Hawaii.
We don’t want to spend a ton of money on a reception. We feel it is crazy to blow $10,000 on a 4 hour event. Now, before you say, “Ummm, Hawaii ain’t cheap.” I should tell you Steve travels A LOT in his job, and we have enough frequent flier miles to fly the three of us there and enough Mariott points for a week’s stay. Our only wedding costs would be the ceremony fee and a luau for those guests who can make it to Hawaii.
We have spread the word to our family and friends about our plans. As expected, most of them cannot make it. Which is fine with us. We explained that we won’t get upset with you if you don’t come if you don’t get upset with us for doing it in Hawaii.
Hi Opal!
My oldest sister, who is planning to go, sent me an e-mail which basically told me I might want to rethink the Hawaii thing because I shouldn’t expect people to spend so much money to come to our wedding. I responded by saying that we didn’t EXPECT anyone to come. It was hard to decide where to have it, so we decided to do it there and make it easy for people. I mean, either they can come, or they can’t.
As far as who will come, I have 2 brothers, 2 sisters and my mom. Oldest sis and mom plan on coming. Steve has 2 sisters and his dad. One sister plans on coming. About 6 of our friends have committed to come.
Which brings me to ask the question, “Is is selfish of me to plan my own wedding in a place that’s so far away?” Do I have to take into account the feelings of all my potential guests as to whether they can come or not? Of course, I love my family, and I love Steve’s family and I wouldn’t dream of hurting their feelings on purpose, but shouldn’t mine and Steve’s feelings come into account? FTR, Steve wants to get married in Hawaii and also doesn’t want to hurt feelings. He has left the final decision up to me since he feels this is my day. Help!!
I don’t think that you are being selfish. You want to have your wedding in Hawaii and you aren’t trying to force people to go. It sounds to me like there are a few people in your family who are being selfish for complaining about it.
One piece of advice though. The day belongs to both of you. Don’t let Steve push the whole decision on you so he can look like a good guy in front of his family and make you look bad.
You aren’t going to make everyone happy. So, go to Hawaii and enjoy yourself and those of your family who can make it.
Another option is eloping and not inviting anyone. Then you don’t have to deal with any family stuff until you get back! Thats what I am going to do. (one day)
I just got married in Sept. The wife is from Wichita, KS and I’m from Knoxville, TN. We got married in Wichita. The trip between the two isn’t great, but it’s nothing to be sneezed at. Anyhow, a lot of family and friends who I would have liked to seen at the wedding didn’t make it out. So, your sister has a very valid point.
That being said, your wedding is just that, your wedding. You have to be happy with whatever you do. So if your heart is set on Hawaii, do it. Even without everyone that I would have liked to have seen there, our wedding was great.
Thanks Cats. Tommy, if I could, I’d have a guest list of 500 people and party until dawn, but that’s just not possible. And it wouldn’t matter where we had it because there’d always be people who couldn’t come.
Zumba, I would never let Steve push the blame on me. Our families know that while I’m a pain in the ass, I’m not heartless.
I say do what you want on your wedding day. Any friends and family who are pissed at you for having a lovely wedding day in a beautiful location are themselves being selfish. It’s great that some people can afford to come and have chosen to do it. Good luck to you!
On a side note - where are you doing it? I’m going to Kauai and the big island over Thanksgiving. Hawaii is a beautiful place!
No, you are not being selfish. As others have said, it’s your day. It can be disappointing for some of those close to you not to be able to attend the wedding, though. Can you have a big party, at home (or some other location), after the wedding is over?
Thanks Athena! That’s kind of what I was thinking. Isn’t it slightly selfish of people to expect me to plan my wedding around whether they can make it? What’s the old saying, you can’t please all of the people all of time?
We are looking at Maui for the wedding. There’s a Mariott in Lahaina right on Kaanapali Beach. We figured we’d have a mid-morning ceremony on the beach, spend the day taking pics and such, then going to the luau at 5 PM. I want a stress-free day, and this seems to be the way to go.
I don’t think it’s selfish of you to have your wedding in Hawaii. I have a friend who just got married in Jamaica and, although not many people were able to make the trip, the wedding turned out to be perfect for them.
What may be causing some uncomfortable feelings, though, is that maybe you’ve left the impression that you don’t care if they’re there or not? Maybe the people who are upset are actually suffering from hurt feelings that their presence isn’t an issue with you and Steve. Possibly, if you talk with them and reassure them, you can have your wedding in Hawaii and have everyone happy that you did.
C3, thank you. That is something I never thought of. You’re right. I didn’t really express to anyone that I would miss their presence. I just was worried that I would be putting pressure on them to come. I will make sure I assure those who can’t come that they will be missed. Maybe at the ceremony we can have something said about that. Not really a moment of silence, but something to acknowledge that there are people missing who just couldn’t make it.
Cyndar, a fabulous idea!!! I’d love to have a great party after the fact, but it leads back to where the heck would we have it? I would guess that here in Denver would be the best because then we wouldn’t be picking one’s family over another. But we wanted to avoid the costs of a sit down dinner reception. Would people travel to Denver for drinks and hors d’oevers (mangled spelling)? That’s something Steve and I should discuss. Thanks!
I think you could get really creative with the whole thing, it doesn’t have to be a formal gathering at all, if you don’t want it to be. Heck, you could have a big picnic in a park, or in a friend’s backyard, and the people unable to attend the wedding would just be happy to be able to see you.
Selfish? No, but here is a slightly different perspective:
My niece recently decided to get married and initially planned the wedding to be in Vegas without family or friends. I was devastated. I had always assumed that I would be at her wedding and was very, very hurt that it was not important to her that the people who love her be there to witness and celebrate with her. If you had asked me before she announced her plans if I would be at her wedding, I would have told you nothing would stop me. Except, as it turned out, not being invited.
I know that you are inviting folks, but planning it in a prohibitively expensive place is pretty close to the same thing. I wonder if people read this as not caring if they are present–or at least, caring more that you have the wedding in a cool place than that they share your joy.
My niece changed her mind, BTW, for which I am very thankful. The wedding was lovely and I loved being there with her and her husband.
One thing I would suggest–with your invitations, include a “No gifts, please” request, and make people know you are serious. (One way to do this is to say something like "In lieu of gifts, cash may be donated to such-and-such charity. THen people understand that this isnt one of those “No gifts please but everyone will give us one anyway so you’d better so that you aren’t the tacky one” type senarios). Getting a bunch of gifts from people and having your wedding in a place they cant possibly afford to visit is sort of like having your cake and eating it too; when people see that you don’t expect that, they will feel more charitable about the situation. In any case, it sounds like y’all have pretty much got your house keeping set up anyway and won’t miss the blenders.
Too bad it is too late for you to do it the way the SO and I are doing it–we have told no one except my parents 9who live 700 miles away)and we are going to announce it after paperwork is taken care of. Much simpler.
My best friend since high school got married in March; she lives in VA, but they decided to get married in Key West because it is a place that is special to her and her hubby.
When she told me the date and location, she told me she would love to have me there but would be OK if I couldn’t make it. I, being a poor college student, definitely couldn’t afford to go, but I knew that she was doing what felt right for her, and I was happy for her. Of course I was bummed about not being able to be there, but her happiness was more important to me than my convenience.
They had a reception during the summer at their house so people who couldn’t come to the wedding could celebrate with them, and I thought that was a nice way to do it.
Bottom line: your wedding. I know how families can have a tendency to take over and make you feel like it’s not your own anymore, but stand firm. Anyone who can’t come, let them know they’ll be missed.
Do the Hawai’i thing . . . then have a celebration of sorts somewhere where it’ll be convenient for you and yours, some other time. You’re happy, and family and friends are happy.
Do the wedding where ever you and your SO want it!! One suggestion if it is plausible… is there any way you could broadcast your wedding over a website so your friends and family who can’t afford to fly to HI can see it? or maybe offer to do video tapes for immediate family members that can’t be there? I would have been very upset if I had missed either of my sister’s weddings, but you need to do what makes the both of you happy.
I think you’re getting an overwhelming amount of “Do it!” votes here.
Come on. It’s just too perfect! You have the frequent flyer miles, you won’t be going into hock to do it, and you can have your wedding in frigging HAWAII!!! It’s a dream come true for many couples. And you are getting to DO IT! Don’t let anyone guilt you out of doing something so perfect. It is your day, not theirs. Just make sure (as others have said) that everyone knows they are very welcome, and of course will be missed if they can’t come.
And some sort of reception back in the mainland sounds like an excellent idea. Everyone can get together, lots of pictures can be taken, maybe you could show video excerpts of the Hawaii wedding, etc. Sounds real nice.
Look it’s you and your SO’s day, do it where ever you choose. You are making a commitment to each other not to those that may or may not be able to attend. In fact if I ever get married (choking on that cuz I am a pain in the ass) anyhow, if it does happen I will do my marriage in the way I want regardless of the relatives and friends that feel I should have a happy and large ceremony here in town. Which if I get to that point is not going to happen. I will have a casual party to introduce us after marriage because of my father but nothing spectacular.
Follow your heart, don’t cave in because of others, this is YOUR marriage, YOUR day to pledge your love for one another, not for 500 people to decend upon your life and pretend they are having fun dressed up in a bunch of tafeta dresses and tuxes.
Do what you feel is right, enjoy the fact that you are pledging your life to one man and let that be the spirit of the ceremony. That is what it is all about, pledging your love for him and no one else. I only wish I were as lucky, but you must do what makes you happy, screw the rest of them. It is YOUR day and no one elses…
Hope that makes sense, time for some sleep. But I hope that came across as a “hell yeah” again you aren’t pledging your life to anyone but your man…the rest is fluff as far as I am concerned.
Let’s see. Are you selfish for wanting to have the most important event in your life take place in an island paradise? How many people would rather get married in Kansas, so a few family members can be there? I think…NONE
If you can go to Hawaaii on the cheap and have the ceremony there, I say go for it. As for wedding guests, it’s a perfect excuse for the island vacation they’ve always dreamed of. Through a wedding party when you get back for those who couldn’t come up with the dough.
Oh you guys! Thank you so much! I appreciate all of your advice. I think we will have a Hawaiian theme reception/party here in Denver after the fact to celebrate.
I spoke to one of my brothers last night and he agrees. He would be disappointed to miss the ceremony, but he understands why we want to do it in Hawaii. He thinks it’s such a big deal because I am the “baby”. Geez, I’m 28 years old and I’m still the baby. Anyway, he was very cool and promised to help me if anyone had anything negative to say.