Don’t get me wrong - I don’t hate watching ballet. I rather enjoy it. Likewise, I don’t hate ballet dancers - I have an entirely newfound respect for them. Ballet is fucking hard! Really, really fucking hard! What I hate is me personally having to take ballet. Yeah, I was dumb - I needed two gym classes to graduate from college on time, and I took one my freshman year, and slacked off about it until now, my last semester. Why? Probably because I had classes to take that had something to do with my major, the things I love, and what I want to do in life, thank you ever so much. So when I had to take another gym, it so happened that scheduling and class cancellations and such left me with severely limited options. Weightlifting or Intro to Ballet. Weightlifting, honestly, would have been a lot easier. Even though I’m 5’7 and 97 pounds soaking wet and an absolute wuss ass.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I was good at ballet. Or even passable. But no. I have absolutely no natural grace, no talent, no nothing. I look like a rather thin truck gallumphing and crashing around the floor. And I will definately never, ever, be able to learn to pirouette. It’s dreadful. I’m not the worst in the class, I think, since at least when I make a mistake I feel obliged to make a big, confident mistake. But I’m pretty bad.
The real problem, however, is that since I’m built like a ballerina, people expect me to be good at this! “I’m taking ballet. I hate it.” “Oh, I bet you’re fantastic!” “Eat shit and die. My legs hurt.”
Don’t get me wrong - I hate it, I suffer, I despise pink tights. But I try really hard. I practice, and I don’t think anybody else does. I put all my effort into this, more than in the crap I actually like, because I don’t want ballet to beat me.
Here’s the point of this: we got our midterm grades, and the perky dance bitch gave me a D. The first, by the way, that I’ve gotten in my college career. A D. So I went to her and asked why, since I try my ass off and such. (Not that it matters, since if you take it as a gym it’s pass fail, but still.) And she said “I don’t think you’re really living up to your dance potential, especially with your natural advantages.” Huh? I’m willing to believe the woman knows more about dance than I, but trust me, there ain’t no dance potential here, and what there is I’m squeezing dry. So, and this may be unethical of me, but when she looked up my grade I just happened to look over her shoulder and see that of those of us (about half the class) who seem as ready for the ballet reject bin as I do, two got D’s - me and the other thin girl. I’m kind of seeing a pattern here. There are people who made better grades than I putting out a lot less effort in this, and not dancing any better. Not to offend anybody, but these D-deserving people were the fat girls. So it dawns on me that by “natural advantages”, she means my metabolism, which as far as I know does not help your pirouette. Does this seem fair? I mean, I’m not qualified to judge a dance grade, and I know that. But should I be pulling a D in an introductory class in spite of the effort I put into it because I was born scrawny?
I’m not really inclined to argue my grade, since it matters absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. But it does bother me, and I guess I want to know if I’m right to be bothered by it. Not to mention - does that mean I have to keep up this level of effort or not graduate because of stupid fucking ballet? I hate that. I hate ballet, too.
And have you ever farted in a leotard and tights? It stays with you forever, like a rubber band around your ass. Dance is too, too cruel.