So I started my day today by falling out of bed. Not normally, you would think, such a big deal. But my bed is a 5’ 6" lofted affair. After perhaps four hours of sleep, my second alarm clock went off, alerting me to the fact that my first alarm clock was, in fact, going off. (I always set two alarm clocks, or else I’d never make it to work/class/what have you. And the second one is always more than an arm’s length away from the bed.) Very groggy, I sat up and swung a leg over the edge to fish around for the ladder. I couldn’t find it with my toe, so I kept moving my foot lower and lower, looking for that elusive rung. Suddenly, I was tail-over-teakettle in mid-air. (The ladder, it turns out, was three feet to my left.) I would eventually land on my ass, but not before knocking the shelf holding 1)my pile of change, and 2)my inkwell.
This morning I woke up before I needed to get up when I heard my fan stop. I got up to check it and put my foot down on my sandals and right into some fresh cat vomit. I hate mornings, too.
Mornings are evil. When I get old, I will not be one of those geezers that get up at 4 to wait for the paperman. Those people are crazy. After I retire, I’m sleeping until 10! Only 26 more years of mornings. And counting.
I was gonna come in here and complain about the spate of cold drizzly mornings we’ve been having lately which are no enticement to getting up, but I think I’ll just go make a pot of coffee. I think y’all are gonna need it.
Yeah, thanks, that would be great. I didn’t have morning this morning because I only got an hour or so of dozing in last night. I was up all night with two kids who have croup, sitting in a steamy bathroom, hoping their breathing would get just a little easier for them so we could avoid the ER (we did). Oh, and it was our wedding anniversary yesterday! We’re just skipping it this year.
Hey! How y’all doin’? Up and at 'em! Rise and shine!
Everybody sing:
Y’all do like ketchup on your scrambled eggs, don’t cha? These here are fresh from the hens!
Randy, how’d you get ink all over the back of your butt? Wile E, don’t look now, but the dog is licking something off the bottom of your foot. He looks like he’s about to toss his cookies. Oops…Sure 'nough. Oh lookie…yojimbo’s wearing your sandals. How strange.
Alice, what do you mean when you get old? I wouldn’t count on retiring in 26 years if I were you. Oh, good grief! Y’all let Inner Stickler at the coffee pot again? The coffee always tastes just like a roach motel smells. Did you ever notice? More ketchup, Alice? Eeeeww That egg is a little runny.
C3, so why don’t you make a date to celebrate your anniversary this time next week? I’ve got this Ethel Merman recording that is going to cheer you up and get you through the day…Here it is: Ethel Merman Salutes the Southern Baptist Hymnal. Crank it up, Zeldar!
Duuuude, turn it down! Yeah, we’ll reschedule. I just have to get a little more caffeine in me to think about it. The little buggers are both snoring soundly now…after I had two cups of coffee. Gah! At least I’ll have a slow day. My poor husband is probably just about dying at work right now.
psssst… Zoe, I hate to rain on your parade, but these anti-morning people? They have been known to get violent if you try too hard to cheer them up.
Besides, why are you using Ethel Merman? Everyone knows if you really want to wake people up you need bagpipes! I’ve got my collection of pipe & drum corps CDs with me, fortunately.
I’ve complained numerous times over the past year that my paper doesn’t arrive before 5. Freaking ridiculous. Even the Sunday Times doesn’t come until freaking 6:30. What’s the point? Days half over at that point!
A few years ago, I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Going back to bed, I was already pretty much asleep on my feet. The thought of getting back into bed was just delicious. I didn’t crawl back in, I did a full body fling. I flung myself. I was airborne.
During mid-soar, I started reviewing in my head the events of earlier that night. What did I spend the night doing? Oh yeah, I rearranged my bedroom. Where did I move things? Let’s see, chest of drawers there, nightstand there, and bed waaaay over there. Interesting.
Grrrrr, cheerful morning people. When I am recognized as rightful ruler of the world, you will all be sorry! Think “It’s a Small World After All” blasted at you when you try to go to bed before 11. Maybe I can even find a version of it for bagpipes.
Mornings when I haven’t slept well the night before are the worst. Mr. Neville has had a bad cough lately that’s worse at night, so I get woken up in the middle of the night. The stress of looking for a job isn’t helping, either. Oh, and I’m really hoping that the stuffy nose and vague punk feeling I’m having this morning is just allergies and lack of sleep, not coming down with whatever Mr. Neville had…
I hear you! I’m not a morning person either, and my husband is. (Of course we go to bed at the same time, and he gets up 2 hours earlier, so you’d think *he’d * be the one who’s crabby and wants to bite people for waking a person up…but no.)
Also, last night I got less sleep than usual, as the cat (who likes to sleep drapped over me until I move to make way for her skinny ass) hacked a lung. It sounded like a hairball had a fight with her throat and her throat was determined to win by turning inside out - at 3 in the morning.
But this morning, in the light of day, there was *nothing * there for me to clean up.
Watch out, girl. I said those exact same words (or some other words to that effect) once upon a time. Now, even when I’m on vacation, I’m up by 6:00. The only way I can sleep past 7:00 is if I stay up past midnight.
I go through periods of being a morning person. I just finished one that lasted about six months. I couldn’t sleep past 8:00 under any circumstance, but it was usually more like 6:30. One day it was 4:00, and after about an hour, I decided to go for a walk and watch the sky turn from black to blue.
