I hate my mother

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m not sure if I’ve ever posted in the pit before.

I’m 16, so I don’t think I’m supposed to have a good relationship with my mom. So normally, I don’t get too upset about our fights. I feel like she treats me unfairly, that she’s passive aggressive, and that a lot of my insecurities are amplified after we’ve fought. She slights me for not being a better student, for not spending more time outside of the house, for not having a job (even though I’m looking).

What hurts the most is when she makes me feel bad about my girlfriend. She’s is currently in New York (I’m in Oregon) going to NYU. She’s funny, caring, intelligent, witty. When she came to visit me, Mom and Dad really seemed to like her. In fact, Mom has said repeatedly that she thinks my girlfriend is a great girl.

But, she still feels the need to either pretend our relationship doesn’t exsist, or to make pretty hurtful comments about it. She gets angry at me about the long distance phone bill (which I pay without complaint). She gets mad at me for talking to her online (I get off when she asks me to). She says that I should “spend more time with real people.”

I guess it’s for two reasons. Because, um, it’s a lesbian relationship, and because it’s a long distance relationship.

Now, I almost wouldn’t mind mom being pissy about it if she wouldn’t tiptoe around the subject so much. But she likes to pretend that our relationship is just a friendly relationship. Which is why she can only be passive-aggressive about her feelings towards us.

Except, two nights ago, she decided to directly confront me about it.

First off, she heard me on the phone with my grilfriend, speaking with admiration about Natalie Portman’s abs. When I got off the phone and came downstairs, she was in tears. She was in fucking tears because I was talking about a girl in a sexual manner. Well, fuck. I hate it when my mom cries, so I just sort of apologized and went away to die of embaressement.

Then she came upstairs to talk to me. She told me that she’s “Tired of being the bad guy in my life”. I told her that I didn’t really like it either. She then went on to talk about how she can’t be politically correct and like that I’m lesbian, that she’s disappointed in how I am as a daughter (Because I don’t talk to her, because I’m gay, because she doesn’t understand me, becayse I’m a loner) and how when my girl came to visit, she was very uncomfortable with her staying up in my room. I mentioned that if she was uncomfortable, she should’ve asked her to stay in the guest room ( my girlfriend’s mother does that when I visit). Mom said that she couldn’t’ve done that, because that would be admitting the nature of our relationship.

Okaaaay. Still failing to see what I did wrong, or what I’m doing wrong, or what I should do different.

Then she told me that she doesn’t want me to turn her into the bad guy for feeling all that, because she can’t help it.

So, to sum up: I’m a disappointment. Mom says she loves me, but doesn’t accept the thing that makes me happiest in the world. She wishes that I were different than how I am. And, if I get mad at her for all that, I’m also gonna feel pretty fucking guilty, because I don’t -want- to anatagonize my mom. I love her. I want to have a better relationship with her. But she does these things and they hurt me, and I know she doesn’t mean it but she does. I hate her, and that makes me hate myself.

Fuck you, mom. Fuck you for leaving me without any options except to feel bad. Fuck you for making me hurt while telling me that you love me. Fuck you for messing with my head. Fuck you for making me feel guilty about things I have every right to.

I guess this isn’t really that big a deal compared to some things, but it’s pretty much leaving me drained and depressed, and I needed to get it out.

I think I’ll go cry for the tenth time in two days.

:frowning:

2

I forget the punctuation for hugs, but I wish the best for you. It sounds like your mom’s working on dealing with your sexuality, and it’s tough for her. But it also sounds like there’s a pretty good chance she’ll come around eventually. Hang in there–everything’ll be fine.

3

If there is a P-Flag chapter nearby, refer your mom to it. There is a whole boatload of stuff that parents have to deal with when they earn that their kid is gay, and their disappointment is one of those things. I know that seems very hurtful, but it’s true, they are disappointed because all of their expectations (whether they voiced them or not) are now going to have to change. No one likes that. Your mom is probably also sad because she knows that our society continues to suck, and you will have a harder road ahead of you than you would have if you were straight. No mom wants that for their child.
This is a major shift in your mom’sunderstanding of her reality and getting some support can only help her to deal with what’s happening in her mind which will, in turn, help mend her relationship with you.

Hang in there. It’s rough but if you both stick it out, I agree with ultrafilter that things will get better as acceptance and understanding grows and the confusion and mourning subside.

4

Being Bi, my best advice is to just be who you are. Give your mom, dad and everyone else some slack. I know, it sucks, and you probably have given them enough slack to hang themselves…you can 't make them accept you. But if you are who you are, consistantly, they will get to the point they will accept you.

I know it’s hatefull, harmfull, what some folks say. They try to “fix” you with their “helpful” advice. Like, if you only listened to THEM you wouldn’t be the way you are. Nothing more queer than folk, as they say :slight_smile:

All you can really do, is just love yourself. For who and what you are. To try to mold yourself, for anyone else, is foolish. And doomed to failure.

Some folks in your family, in mine, it’s my sister, who just can’t, or won’t, accept you. They are just unable to. They just can’t “love” you for you because they’d have to bend their unbendable “rules” of what life is. And what they think “right” is.

Those are the people it’s hardest to forgive. Because they will be the meanest. Do your best to forgive their nasty comments, thier hate. Because if you suck it up, you will end up hating yourself. Forgive them. Forget them. Very soon, if you are 16? In two years you can be on your own. And be utterly, your own. I know two years is a lifetime. But if you can make it hang, maybe, you can make them see this isn’t a “phase”.

Just, well, hon, be you. Never short change yourself. Because take it from me, I did that. Lied. About me. Myself. Who I loved and why. Frankly, even when I loved men I didn’t want to tell my family because they’d take it as “news” I was “fixed”.

Like a fucking dog, I was “fixed” :wink:

Just know your own heart, and be true to it. And know there are others who share your pain.

Best!
Byz

5

The most important thing to remember is that you aren’t making your mom the bad guy, she’s doing that herself. On the other hand, don’t be too hard on her. She could be a lot more supportive, but she could be a lot worse. It sounds like she really is trying, even if she isn’t exactly succeeding.

I second trying to get her to join you in going to a support group. There’ll be people there who’re going through what she’s going through, and maybe more importantly, there’ll be people there who’re going through what you’re going through. Seeing your relationship mirrored in someone else’s relationship might help her realize how her behavior is hurting you.

Good luck, don’t give up on your mom, and remember: everything gets better once you go to college.

6

You’re 16 and your mother is trying to be understanding enough that she lets your SO in a romantic and assumedly sexual relationship spend the night in your room and you’re pitching a tantrum about how repressive she is and loosing a a string of “Fuck Yous” in her direction because she’s not being perfectly supportive of your lifestyle preference and having trouble coming to terms with it. Being a teenage lesbian with issues does not give you the right to be a nasty, self piting, self absorbed whiny and ungrateful pain in the ass to your mother who is trying to cope as best she can. You have absolutely no comprehension how much worse things could be for a gay teenager and no clue how relatively lucky you are in the scheme of things.

7

I don’t have diddly squat to add to the advice already given. Just another “hang in there” from the peanut gallery.

That being said, this…

…is quite possibly the saddest thing I’ve read for quite a long time.

8

In my experience, astro, saying “you don’t have a right to be upset because others have it so much worse” is not particularly effective. You know, everyone could have it worse. In every situation. It doesn’t make you feel any better to know it. Foxfiregrrl has a legitimate reason to be upset. Her mom is having trouble coping with her being gay, so her mom makes her feel like shit as retaliation, or something. Foxfiregrrl probably doesn’t mean she hates her or all the “fuck yous,” but this is the Pit after all. It is supposed to be over the top.

9

No shit.

I know things could be worse.

I know I’m probably a horrible person for thinking fuck yous at her (I’d never do this out loud).

I know I’m probably a bad person for letting my girlfriend stay in my room, but again, I’d be perfectly willing to let mom have her stay in the guest room, except mom isn’t happy with acknowleding our relationship, either.

I know that I’m a nasty, self piting, self absorbed whiny and ungrateful pain in the ass.

But, fuck. I’m sick of my mom toying with my emotions, and I’m sick of people saying that I shouldn’t feel hurt by how she’s taking it. I’m allowed an emotional response, ok?

And I just knew that someone was going to bring the age thing in. I can’t help being 16, so don’t fucking hold it against me. thank you.

10

It could be worse, my brother always likes to say.

All this bad shit could be happening to you, plus my brother could be kicking you in the head.

I remember that whenever things look grim. At least my brother isn’t kicking me in the head while all this is happening.

Hang in there. Adults tend to think that their kids become impossible on reaching adolescence, but I don’t know that that’s true. I think that parents have to confront their childrens’ individuality when the kids reach adolescence, have to confront their diminishing role in their kids’ lives, and that’s really hard for adults to do sometimes.

Your mom is having a tough time at it. You’re no longer her little girl; she’s no longer the Voice of Wisdom in your life. She’s got a real hard job that she’s gotta do: she’s gotta let you go, after sixteen years.

If you can forgive her for lousing up her job, you’re a better person than I was at 16. If you can recognize that she’s having a hard time, possibly as hard a time as you’re having, you may at least be able to cut her some pity-slack.

But recognize, above all, that it’s her problem. She needs to figure out how she’s gonna deal with your sexuality, and then you get to figure out how to deal with her reaction. But you can choose to deal with it by shrugging it off.

I spent a lot of my late-teen years doing just this. My parents didn’t like my being out late? too bad for them; they’d learn to sleep somehow. They didn’t like my politics. Oh well; I didn’t like theirs either. They thought I should see a psychiatrist? Bully for them. I knew I was doing what I needed to do, and so I did it.

Hope something in this rant helps – and good luck!
Daniel

11

That’s now how I read it. Her mom let her SO stay in foxfiregrrl’s room because her mom didn’t want to admit to herself that they had a sexual relationship. She wasn’t trying to be understanding, she was deliberately trying not to understand.

foxfiregrrl, you’re not a horrible person for thinking a hearty “fuck you” or toward your mom. I honestly think that everyone has done so, at some point, and probably more than once. Moreover, you could be the most mature, loving and supportive 16-year-old on the world and still find yourself hurt by your mother’s way of dealing with your sexuality. Parents know all our buttons, and know exactly how to push them, whether they mean to or not. Their disappointment stings more than anyone else’s, their obtuse behavior irritates more than anyone else’s, their flaws in dealing with us grate more than anyone else’s.

And hell, for the record, if my parents had, for whatever reason, chosen to let a boyfriend stay in my room overnight, I would have been all over that. Maybe it’s not a choice to be proud of, but hormones is hormones and opportunities like that come few and far between before age 20.

In short, you are allowed an emotional response, you’ve expressed in appropriately, and you’re doing the best you can.

12

Why don’t you and your girlfriend try talking with your mom together. Not about heavy stuff, just go shopping or play scrabble or something like that so she can get to know her as a person instead of as your evil lesbian lover. Show her that it’s not just a sex thing (sex is difficult for all parents to deal with… not just parents of gay kids). Give her a chance to see you happy and PRODUCTIVE. Do better in school or get a job (or both) and let her see that you have your head on straight (as straight as a 16-yr old kid can be). I guess I’m saying don’t turn it into an issue. Show her that being gay is only part of who you are.

13

Foxfiregrrl, assuming your parents have your best interests in mind, and most do and I see no reason from your OP that your mom is an exception, parents are actually easy to understand. What they want is this:

  1. They want you to be able to be independent/self sufficient as soon as possible when you hit adulthood.

  2. They want you to do ‘well’ in life and be a success.

  3. They want you to have a high quality of life i.e. confident and happy.

If you look at many things your mother does, her actions are understandable from these three items. Your grades are low – see #1 and #2. You don’t get out of the house much – see #2 and #3. No job? all three. You’re a lesbian and your SO is very far away and going to college?? You get the idea.

If you want your mother to respond better to you, address these fears:

  1. You will be dependent on her financially for a long time.

  2. You will ‘fail’ in life. (note this is hard to define but you know it when you see someone who has)

  3. You will be miserable and lonely.

If you show your mother that this will not happen to you, she will respond and most likely be tolerant or even accepting of your lifestyle.

My 2c