I can sympathize with you to an extent, Ninjachick. I totally understand where you are coming from in regards to martial arts being not only a physical/mental outlet, but a spiritual one as well. It’s important to you, so you need to find a way to keep it in your life.
Now, as a parent I have to say that you need to meet your folks half way. You’re not an adult yet, and most likely have had few of the experiences needed to survive on your own in the real world. You are at an age where you are going to have to shoulder some responsibility, and show that you deserve to be treated as an adult. Having mommy drive you to practice isn’t really showing that. having a dump for a room isn’t either.
I am very concerned with your mention of a learning disability. I hope you can pursue having it evaluated, and have an IEP drawn up as others have mentioned. They can be a huge help. If your parents seem to think this is all in your head, you’re going to have to get the school involved to prove to them that they’re wrong. That is what troubles me most about your OP.
I have a daughter 4 years younger than you, also with a learning disability. I am sure she will have similar rants about her parents. Thanks for a glimpse into the future; I hope I’ll be a better parent for it.
And clean your room.
I definitely sympathise, NinjaChick. While I do think the OP is rather hyperbolic, reading between the lines I recognise the kind of mood you were in when you posted it - the complete and utter frustration. Fuck 'em all, etc. Would I be very wrong in guessing that most of your anger comes from the possibility of losing your outlet, ie TKD? While I have no idea about martial arts, I do know how I would feel if my parents tried to take away my own outlet (it’s writing, for the record, which they can’t take away and besides I don’t they would, but that’s not the point).
Needless to say, I don’t think running away is the answer! But I do think that you need to talk to your parents. Reasonably, rationally, and if all else fails, I second the suggestion to write everything down, avoiding “fuck”, and making them read.
And while I hate to be a cliché, it will get better. You’re seventeen and nearly an adult. Not long before you can leave “nearly” out of the sentence.
While I’m at it, I think there was a lot of needless snarkiness in this thread, but I particularly take offence at this:
Excuse me? Why must you assume that only children are spoilt, clueless brats? The stereotype of the over-indulged, immersed-in-self only child is exactly that - a stereotype. Only children are like all children - some are good, some are bad, and most are in between.
No offence to Daniel, incidentally. This is not directed at you.
Loneraven
Point taken. I have a friend who has only one child. He’s a great kid (now man) and knowing him as he grew up he has always had admirable qualities.
On the other hand, a close relative has an only child that has the entire galaxy twirling around her. She reinforces the false stereotype with flair.
I took a cheap shot at the well adjusted single kids out there and deserve your heat.
As for my second guess, youngest child, the rest of you please spare me (the youngest myself) from your flames.
Bubbadog
Tail tucked under after a LoneRaven scolding
Ninjachick, I have so been there. I have been all over there. I have been to there and all of the adjoining counties.
My parents divorced when I was eleven. My mother and I moved 600 miles away, which was the furthest thing from traumatic. I moved from a place I had always hated to a place I had always dreamed of living.
I was in the car with my father one day (shortly before we moved) when he said, completely out of the blue, “I don’t have to let you move, you know. I could stop you and your mother from moving away. I’m letting you move. I want you to come back and spend your freshman year of high school here with me.”
I was stunned. It was, I think, the beginning of open conflict in our relationship. Open conflict continued for ten years.
I could go into detail (actually I just did, but then I realized it was waaaay too long and deleted it), but suffice it to say we had the worst relationship I can imagine short of physical abuse. I couldn’t do anything right, I wasn’t as good as my step-sister, why couldn’t I just mold myself to what he wanted me to be? It was awful and frustrating and I hated him deeply. I also loved him, and in ways respected him, which made the hating worse.
I’m now 23. About 3 years ago our relationship changed a lot. I don’t even know how it happened. He came to see a show I did at college and we had a good visit. No yelling, no arguments, no crying. We just… spent time together. It was novel. He didn’t treat me like a 10 year-old, I didn’t get nasty and defensive. We gave each other more space. I still don’t know how it worked. But it worked, and it’s kept on working since then. It’s not easy, I still have a lot of resentment towards him for those years, but we’re civil and respectful and we can enjoy each other’s company now, instead of getting furious all the time.
So, I guess what I’m saying is this: It’s bad, and I know that it’s bad. But it does sound like they care about you. They just aren’t showing it in a way that you can accept. I can almost guarantee it will eventually get better. You’ll grow up, they’ll finally realize it, you won’t have to live together, everyone will just calm down a little.
Until then, I don’t know what to tell you. Wait? Sounds trite. Do the things you enjoy, try not to focus on it. Definitely have your TKD teacher talk to them. And, actually, clean your room. I mean this one, but for a different reason than you may think. If you clean your room (and keep it clean), that’s one less thing they can call you on, isn’t it? Also, it will show a willingness to compromise. Helping around the house may help with this, too. I know, I know, taking out the trash and vacuuming isn’t my idea of a good time, either, but it really can help you earn their good will.
You know what’s the most awful part of this topic? The long-term scars this kind of fighting leaves on a child/parent relationship. My hubby and his mother can still barely stand to be in a room together.
I think he’s wonderful … and I get along great with her … but together they’re like oil and water. From everyone’s accounts (his siblings, relatives, etc.) their childhood was a nightmare. So … she resents him because she got pregnant at 15 and “ruined” her life … and he resents her for raising him around keg parties, drugs, etc.
My point … 40 years later they can barely have a civil conversation … and I know so many people who have a strained relationship with their parents that started in their adolesence … and it just never recovered.
NinjaChick … muddle through this next year the best you can … but don’t hate them. They’ll be your parents forever and hopefully someday, once you’re out from under their roof and can make your own choices, your relationship with be a healthier, happier one.
You’re obviously a good person. Just keep surrounding yourself with positive influences (your friends, your TKD, etc.) and remember that all parents are, in the end, just people. They’re flawed, they make mistakes, but most of them do the best they can.
Lemme take a different angle on being irritated with this part of your post. The hell? I mean, seriously, where the hell did that come from? I can’t help but be insulted by the implication here. Thank you, but rpgs do not inevitably lead to the sort of self-centered assholes with no concept of an outside world you’re trying to paint people as here.
I’m going to take a reverse here too, in that I find the blind “parents always know best and any arbitrary rule they set down is for your own good, how dare you question it you ungrateful little brat” thing just as disturbing as those of you spouting it seem to find the idea that gasp someone’s parents could in fact be jerks.
My father grounded me for 2 months for only leaving a dance 5 minutes early, when the agreed upon was that I leave when it was done… Somehow, despite leaving early, I was late, and that meant I was obviously in the bathroom having sex with someone. This was their actual words. And you know what? They were wrong. They were full of shit. That’s pretty representative of most of their decisions. And if you can say with a straight face that refusing to allow a 16 year old to set foot outside the house or speak to anyone in any manner outside of school for doing exactly what they told her to, and being somewhere by the agreed upon time, then maybe there’ll be something to this bullshit about how parents always know best.
And you know? I still hate my father. He’s still an asshole. I still have roughly the same amount of respect for the man that I would have for anyone else who spent so much time treating me like shit and screaming because I “didn’t like him much”. And that doesn’t make me a snot nosed ungrateful little brat, it’s the logical course of events following the way he treated me. Being biologically related to someone doesn’t give you afree pass to do whatever you want and still expect them to love and respect you. Both of those are things that are gained and lost by your actions, no matter what your relationship to a person.
Aren’t we kind of the big O T here? I appreciate the hardships you guys with the bad stories went through, and we can break out the world’s tiniest fucking little violin for Tris and BubbaDog to blast “Pomp and Circumstance,” but are we helping NinjaChick? (Who incidentally never responded to my marriage proposal…)
Ilsa, threads wander sometimes. I can see being irritated over someone coming in and posting something entirely irrelevant for the purpose of derailing it, but meanderings are inherant to internet message boards… Not to mention that it’s not as though your post is any more helpful than any of the ones you’re complaining about.
That said, I can’t personally think of anything to suggest that hasn’t already been said. If NinjaChick’s parents remain unreasonable after she tries to talk calmly with them, there’s the writing them a letter option, the talking with people at school option, the talking with the TKD instructor option. There’s the finding some other way to get to TKD option.
I don’t think it’s entirely off the topic to debate a few points being made here anyway. Coming in and getting pissy about how dare anyone question the judgement of their parents, because parents are always right, is certainly not helping NinjaChick’s situation. Speaking from experience (it sounds to me, combined with past posts, that she has legitimate complaints beyond normal teenage grouchiness), people constantly telling you you’re just an ungrateful little bitch to be questioning your parents makes the whole thing a lot more unpleasant.
Hence the violin.
Ilsa_Lund,
Drop the violin and pick up a guitar. (Ninja)Chick’s dig guys in rock bands.
Diakona, Sorry your parents were a mess. If you bothered to see some of my other posts you might realize that my theme was advocating reasoning over threats and curses. Never said that parents are perfect.
As for the RPG statement. The point had very little to do with RPG and a lot to do with challenging whether things went down the way Dork said they did.
One thing’s certain about this thread. There’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in parent/child relationships. And a lot of people are bringing that emotion here.
Bubba
I am aware of that. I am a rock and blues guitarist. I also have a hat that makes me look like Stevie Ray Vaughan, except my teeth are nice and straight.
Ninjachick, when is your 18th birthday? I want to remember to celebrate it!
I know what a problem anxiety can be. It makes everything else a little more difficult to deal with. And it is all the more reason for having TKD to ground yourself.
I can remember writing an “I hate my mother” diatribe in my diary when I was seventeen. Years later, when I retrieved my diaries from my mother’s house, those pages had been removed.
That was okay. I had written some to replace them.
You may end up with a wonderful relationship with your folks. Don’t forget --they are still learning too. Or you may never have the family life that you deserve. Sometimes it just can’t be helped.
For right now, just do the best you can and then try to let it go. Best is best. That’s all you can do. This won’t last forever. Try to forgive. Draw on your discipline.
Hang in there, NinjaChick. It does get better. My relationship with my mother improved immeasurably once I left home. And while I love her dearly, I do not want to live with her ever again.
And I’d like to point out that C’s are “average.” Not bad, not failing–average. People excel in some areas and are average in others. I made my share of C’s in math and science in high school, too, Ninja, and I got a full scholarship to college. I have an M.A. now and may go back for my doctorate someday. Not bragging, just trying to prove that being average at biology does not make one a slack-jawed drooler.
NinjaChick might I humbly suggest looking into ways you can currently lower your stress levels in various methods?
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Since you are into Tae Kwan Do, I think some sort of deep meditation might help out on the stress levels. Please don’t go for the quacks though. Maybe your sensei (are they called those in TKD?) could give you a lead in that.
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Seriously have someone (counselor, teacher, principle, janitor) give you help in test anxiety. I know people that have some of that, I really feel bad for them. (I get strangley Zen-like during tests, I’m wierd.)
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Teen angst and reviling your parents for their idiotic behavior is natural. I would worry about a teen who didn’t have some of it. They are OLD. Most parents forget what being a teen is like. Parents get stuck like a broken record and act like idiots.
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Don’t blow up on them. Don’t start fights. Don’t let them push you into fights. Boo! Bad!
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I would have your sensei (I’m running with that title) and a sympathetic school person (the saintly counselor maybe?) join you and your parents in a big pow-wow. Write down and discuss each item of problem in a calm manner. Don’t threaten. Don’t accuse. Find solutions. Find common ground. Get your problems solved.
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FME (from my experience), when my parents took away my favorite things (band, sports, computer games, roleplaying games, etc.) because of school, I never did better. I did worse. I retreated from them and their expectations. The only reason I didn’t fuck up my life horribly during that time was because of my beloved older brother.
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Memorize how you feel and what you are thinking right now. When you have children at that age, remember this. Don’t do that to them. Find solutions. Find common ground. Fix the problems.
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Following up on number 1. Look out on the web for stress relief stuff. Find simple and easy ways to relieve stress. Find out what works for you. Then do it.
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If you need to reach out some more, please do so.
Bytopian [I wish I knew Ninjitsu (WHOA!)] Dream
“GET OUT AND PUMP THE GAS YOURSELF”
I think I speak for a lot of people in saying…
…what the fuck?
I’m torn on the subject. On the one hand, it sounds like the parents are pushing their own agenda a little too hard, and crossing the line with regards to removing things they do not, in fact, own. On the other hand, it sounds like the OP’s not really doing all that much to help the situation.
The room, for instance. It’s not just that the desk has homework spread everywhere, as the original post implies; it’s that there’s dirty clothes all over the floor and shit strung everywhere. Being upset because someone has a messy desk in an otherwise clean room is unreasonable, but getting upset because someone’s room is habitually filthy isn’t. Even if you need some disorder to think well, is it really so much to ask that you not throw your dirty clothes in the floor?
It’s good that she’s taking responsibility for finding rides to and from TKD, but it’s not good that she seems to think her mother doesn’t work or have a schedule to keep just because she’s not employed outside the home. Running a house is a lot more work than it looks like if you’ve never done it before, and playing taxi service on an unpredictable basis is rather a pain in the ass.
Then there’s the whole learning disability thing. Near as I can tell, we’re not talking about a learning disability, per se, but rather a psychological disorder that’s impacting her test-taking abilities. It’s a kind of subtle but fairly important difference. It’s a lot easier to understand not-so-hot grades when someone has an actual learning disability than when their grades are suffering because of a psychological disorder, at least for a lot of people. Of course, if the parents aren’t getting their daughter help for her psychological disorder, they’re neglecting her needs and are very much in the wrong.
They’re also in the wrong to try to take away things they did not give her, as these things are not theirs to take away. I understand they’re probably as frustrated as she is, but that’s still just not right.
I think what’s missing here is balance, an understanding of when to fight and when to just smile and nod. There’s a time to say “It’s my room and I like the mess,” and a time to say “Sure, I’ll clean up after I finish my homework,” and a time to shut up and just clean the damn room. There’s a time to say, “Look, I’m working as hard as I can,” and a time to say, “Mom, I know you guys are worried about my grades. My counselor’s been working on something to help me work around my anxiety disorder; could you go talk to her and look over some paperwork with her one afternoon next week?”
Crazy Girl, or whatever your name is…I know how you feel. Trust me I do. I have had a lot of shit happen in my life. And sometimes it does seem like your parents don’t care about you, but in reality, they do. When I was 12 I moved out of my parents house because I couldn’t stand living with them, and me having ADHD didn’t help the problem. Little did I know that living with my aunt and uncle would just make things worste. My uncle was rude to me none stop, my aunt always took my side. The truth is, my aunt was great at being the all powerful Auntie-La, but when it came to her having to be my mother figure, she was horrible at it. Every little thing I did wrong in that house, I was criticized about. Fou years later I am back in my parents house, and things are better.
What I suggest is finding a place where you can be away from your parents. It sounds to me like both yourself and your parents need to grow up a little bit. That isn’t a bad thing, I needed the same thing, and now, my mother and I have a better relationship than we ever have.
Good luck!
Keep me posted
Apologies for a couple days’ absence. Had some mega-computer-troubles (note to self: you are not a tech goddess. Do not try to fix things like that.)
First of all, parameters, I would. But I live in NJ, and it’s illegal to do that here. Also, um…what??
Secondly: I do have it as of yesterday arranged with a friend to get rides to and from TKD. I don’t want to turn it into a mental chess game and I don’t think it will. I think she’ll just be happy with it out of her way. One more thing she doesn’t need to ‘worry’ about.
Third: My room’s not a filthy mess. It’s disorganized, and most certainly ‘not clean’, but it’s not filthy.
Fourth: This is something that bothers me. I’m in IB classes. My school has (in theory) four levels of classes (five in practice). Modified (basic skills), regular, advanced, and then honors/IB/AP. In reality, AP and IB classes (I’m IB) are much harder than honors classes. A C in IB classes (in terms of GPA) is equal to a B in advanced, and an A in ‘regular’. So when I’m getting a 75 in bio, that’s the same as an A (in reality, more) in the bio that a lot of my friends are taking. Ask me about any of the topics we’re studying in any of my classes and I can easily have a solid, informed conversation about it. Put me in a testing situation and I will freeze up. Provided that everything goes well and I can get my parents to sign the piece of paper, I’ll get to take math and science (where I get the most freaked out) exams in a seperate room, and extended time on all exams.
On that note, I am seeing a therapist (not just about this, but a lot of other stuff, too). It shouldn’t make a difference, crazycatlady, but if it does, does it being a psychological disorder make it matter less? If so, I’m well stocked in both departments. I’ve been to six different psychologists/psychiatrists when my parents went through a phase of trying to get me medicated with hopes of making everything peachy-keen. I was diagnosed differently each time: Obsessive-compulsive, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, and plain and simple ADD. I’ve also been diagnosed with dissociative amnesia (loosing memory of a traumatic experience in the past), something my parents still refuse to believe (they partly believe me about the event itself, and don’t at all believe that only started remembering after extensive therapy, and not medication).
Basically…right now, I can still live at home, I think. I get rides from friends or walk to and from school, and can get a ride to TKD. My instructor, as I said before, knows what’s going on, and will let me do a little more teaching to cover the cost of my training. I’ve already got some scholarship money, and I plan to take a year off to work before college, so I should be able to pay for that, if I work at it. This has happened before, and I’m just tired of putting up with it. I think that the sooner I can distance myself (permanantly) from my parents, the better.
Oh, and Ilsa…gotta wait 'til next August, but when I turn 18, we can talk. 