Family. Bah. Some Questions:

The BBQ Pit
1

-Tell me, why on earth do similar genes allow for any amount of assholery?
-Why is it possible for my parents to so completely and utterly favor my brother?
-Why is it that someone will toddle along and tell me that they don’t favor him?
-Why is it that he can get away with blowing $175 on Legos and I can’t even get a pair of winter boots?
-Did I mention he’s 25 years old?
-Why is nothing I do ever good enough?
-What did I do in a past life to deserve being shit on every time I turn around?
-When can I go back to college? At least I have friends there.
-Fuck this, why am I posting this in public?

And yet… I hit submit.

2

tiggeril, you complain too much.

Why can’t you just be more content? You know, like your brother?

3

tiggeril

Oh my God, have I been there and done that! I spent most of my life in my sister’s shadow. I felt that to my parents, I was never as good as my big sister. Then, to make things worse, I skipped college to enlist in the Air Force. My dad didn’t get off my back about it until I worked full time while I went to college full time, recovered from a car accident that left me in a wheel chair involving lots of physical therapy, and then pulled myself up by the bootstraps after my ex nearly destroyed my finances. Only then, after I showed that I WILL NOT buckle under pressure did my father show any respect for what I had made of myself.

Of course by then, I had learned to let it go. I knew what I was worth and what I was made of, even if no one else saw it. Sure, it still hurt that my father didn’t see, but knowing myself that well made things easier to accept.

In short, don’t worry about your brother, you can’t control it. Respect yourself, believe in yourself and eventually others will see what a good person you really are.

4

Crunchy-Thank you.
scratch- Do you know why I’m not laughing? Do you? I’ll tell you why that isn’t funny. Having your emotions trampled for all 18 years of your life isn’t funny. Being told that you’re a fat slob with no future is not funny. Being told from the ages of 4-18 that you were a MISTAKE… that you shouldn’t have been BORN… that your own mother wished she had had a miscarriage rather than have had a child like you ISN’T FUCKING FUNNY!

Fuck you and the insensitive, piece of shit, not worth another moment of my time assholes like you.

5

:tiggeril:

I’d post something bad about my parents, but lately they’ve been decent.

6

tiggeril. I am sorry for the pain you are in. What you are going through isn’t fair, but life is hardly ever fair.

I had a screwed up family too, both sides ! It hurts to hear the things they say to you because I heard many of those words. I was 27 years old when my Mother told me she wished I was dead and in hell. Never mind all the crap I heard as a kid.

But you know life does get better, one thing that really pleases me is that I was always the one who was good for nothing in my younger years, and today I am the only one who isn’t in some type of trouble and whose kid isn’t in some type of trouble. I am the one my family likes now. Go figure.

7

punnie- Well, who am I gonna complain to now? :wink:

Ayesha- I’m the one who stays out of trouble now. Does that not bode well for me?

8

tiggeril – Honey, I feel for you. Been there, done that, designed the damned T-shirt. I came out the other end and I’m here to tell you that you can do it too.

It stinks that your parents treat you so badly. It reeks that they play favorites. It bites the big one that they have made you even partially buy in to the idea that you were a mistake.

They have no right to do this.

You are your parents’ responsibility until you come of age and can support yourself. They have been responsible for your health and your well-being. They have failed miserably at this. This is not your fault.

Let’s review. Why are you here? To put it bluntly, your parents had sex. When you do that, you take responsibility for any pregnancy that might occur. You most emphatically do not take our your anger on the product of your procreative urges. You shelter that product – your child, the most precious gift anybody could ever receive. You do almost anything to help that child get and stay healthy, happy, and well-adjusted.

Okay. So much for that. The good news is that you’re 18 and can strike out on your own. Are your parents putting you through college, even a little bit? Take what they will give. Try to get more. You’re entitled. You haven’t gotten much else from them. (Don’t try so hard that they get mad and withdraw support. It isn’t worth it.)

After you’ve gotten what you can from them, you can start your own life. You can do whatever you want with it. You can create a life that you like! You don’t have to please your parents any more for self-preservation!

When you feel you can deal with it, you should get some therapy. The sooner, the better – and the less work it will be, because the less you will have to undo.

As I said, BTDT and designed the T-shirt. I’m 44 now. I have a wonderful husband, four terrific kids, three lovely dogs, and a life I like a lot. My abusive alcoholic father is dead, and before he died I got to tell him what he had done to me. My abusive and enabling mother is still alive, and I hardly ever see her. She can’t deal with the truth, so I don’t give it to her. We don’t have much to talk about.

I never would have expected it, but I am glad I had my horrible childhood. I appreciate what I have so much more than I would otherwise. I feel for unwanted children as I never would have if my parents had loved me. That’s the flip side, and I’m glad I can play that side now.

God bless you, honey.

phantomdiver

9

{{{tiggeril}}}

I am sooo with you here! I am definitely chopped liver next to my younger brother. Nothing I ever do is good enough for my mom, but my little brother could shit on the carpet and she’d praise his form and accuracy.

I’ve read many, many of your posts and I can tell you are a kind, sensitive, caring person. It bites supremely that you have to go through this. But there are people here who do value you. And while that can’t make up for what your parents are doing, I hope that it helps you value yourself to know that here, you are most definitely wanted.

{{{tiggeril}}}

(just had to do it again…)

3BM

10

sigh… in the year before I moved out my dad told my brother and my mother a secret and then casually said that it was the sort of thing a man only tells his wife and his favourite son.

Actually, I was quite happy when my brother told me this (in tones of shocked outrage, let me assure you). It confirmed it.

more sighs…

I asked my mom once why is it she’s in love with Dad after 26 years but I can’t put up with him for more than an hour. She summed it up nicely: “because I’m not his son.”

another sigh.

11

Daughter, your virtual mother and I wish you had talked to us before airing the family dirty laundry in public.

And I think I speak for Scottimom when I demand that you reveal just WHO our virtual son IS and where he is hiding the Legos!

Hmmm, $175 of Legos = about ten or fifteen of them, doesn’t it? Lego knockoffs are a much better value and they come in purple, too.

Okay, who else is a middle kid who thinks he or she got shafted by fate and family compared with their older (and younger) sibs? A show of hands, please?

12

Wow. Um, thank you, all.

phantomdiver: I’m sucking them dry. They made the mistake of agreeing to pay for my entire college tuition. So I went to a private college and didn’t get any financial aid. And I made them get me a credit card. muwahaha.

threebunnymama: Older siblings get this crap too? I never would have imagined. (kidding, kidding) I’m wondering if it isn’t a male/female thing. You know, with the daughter getting the shaft every time? Hell, why am I asking? I know this is the case. To hijack my own thread, I was obsessed with bunnies when I was little. I still have a bunch of stuffed ones. :smiley:

matt_mcl: That sounds like something my mother would do. Minus the shocked outrage from my brother :rolleyes:. You’re one of the most intelligent, witty, and humorous posters here. If you, tbm, phantom, punnie, Ayesha, and Crunchy all made it, so can I.

Because I’m good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it…

ow who threw that?

(If you’ll notice the shift in mood, yes I am back safely in my dorm. It’s good to be home,)

13

Maybe they expect more from you because they’ve given up on him ever amounting to anything?

14

Hi Tig,

I raised two daughters as a single father and believe me, it was a screaming bitch. I did my best never to show favoritism, and looking back, that part of it was easy. They were altogether different in personality and interests and continue to suprise me to this day. I love them and my grandkids dearly. I cannot imagine anyone feeling differently.

You’ve made me wonder why I enjoyed such success. I think it’s because I was the rambler in the family. I took off at the age of 14 and was in the service at 17. I never was really was a solid part of the family. My younger brother was and has gone much farther in life than I. And my daughters are doing the same.

Incidently, there is no animosity here. I chose my path and put my feet upon it, no regrets.

The only advice I can pass along to you is to set your goals and not worry about what your family does. If they show favoritism, there is really nothing you can do about it except to hang in and follow your star. You are the important one and only you can make your life happen as it should.

Wishing all of the best,

15

Well, no. He’s the intellectual wunderkind I could never be, i.e, 4.0 all through high school, highest SAT score in the history of the school, National Merit Scholar, 4.0 through college, Phi Beta Kappa, a full scholarship into the M.D., Ph.D program at the University of Chicago,etc. etc. etc. ad nauseam.

Yet another reason they look down on me. I can’t do/be all that. God forbid my brother and I have different natures. :rolleyes:

Hell, why do you think I put together an entire SDMB family, dadzone?

16

Okay, I’ve avoided the obvious for what is it? About ten minutes? Well, that’s pretty good for me!

IT’S BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIRL! Ditto for BunnyMama. As for Frogboy, well, you know him. Can you blame his parents?

It’s the Pit. I don’t have to be supportive.

17

Please tell me you’re trying to be funny.
Please.

18

About assuming your parents prefer your brother because he’s a guy? No joking there. I don’t know for sure about the culture in which you were raised*, but PLENTY of cultures favor male children. Especially first-born male children. You’re screwed twice: by being female and being second.

19

Tig, listen to me, babe,

You are not anyone but yourself. You cannot be anyone but yourself. To compare yourself to anyone else is an excersize in futility.

Hey, fuck 'em. You give everything you do in life your best shot and you will win. We all feel sorry for ourselves now and then, but it passes.

Sez I, keep on truckin’ down the road and stick to your route.

20

Ok. Yes. My parents came over to the States from India in 1976, and in many ways, are still stuck there. Thusly, I am twice-screwed, for not only am I supposed to be this intellectual juggernaut, as well as a perfect housewife in training. Feh.