I hate the Germans...

The BBQ Pit
1

…and I hate their cars. My 99 Passat has been nothing but trouble since I got it less than two years ago. Pushing down for the driver’s window makes it go up…unless you push it all the way down for the “auto” down to work, no radio reception, loud as fuck exhaust that keeps “re-breaking” every time I get it fixed, check engine light always on, etc…

And tonight, I found another thing that makes me angry: A Volkswagon is the absolute worst car to try and change a tire for. For those who haven’t experienced the luxury:

In most cars, you get a “scissor” style jack. Not great, but ok for a simple tire change. Not a VW, oh no, you get this weird one that looks like a V on it’s side. Since it only has a lever on one side, it’s less balanced so it’s harder to get into place. It will fall down until you crank it just right to come to the bottom of the frame. This makes positioning it much harder. And speaking of, on most cars, you have a decently large area of the frame to put the jack under…not so with a VW. There is an exact spot hidden under a piece of plastic you take off. It’s the exact width of the jack’s arm, so you have to position it perfectly to get it to “latch” into place.

Ok, fine, so that part isn’t so hard, relatively speaking. Getting the old tire off is like any other car, but the worst part, the part that will make you want to kill a VW engineer…putting the new tire on.

See, on most cars (every one I’ve till this one,) the lug nuts are just that…nuts that go to bolts. The bolts protrude the wheel stud itself. It makes putting the new wheel on pretty easy. You just slid it on, the bolts will keep it on there, and hey, it’s in the exact position it needs to be! Just put on the nuts and tighten up! But on VWs, the lug nuts are actually the bolts, so the remove completely from the wheel stud. The means when you put the new wheel on, all you have to hold it in place is a tiny, 1/4" wide metal rim on the inside of the wheel that rests on a large middle bolt on the wheel stud. You then have to slid it around to get it perfectly positioned to line up with the holes for the bolts, all the while the wheel wants to slid off, mind you.

Doing this task at night, while lying on a gravel driveway, makes this even worse.

Horrid, horrid design. Fuck any late-90’s VW engineer in the ass with something sharp and pointy.

2

But they make a great chocolate cake.

3

And boy do they know how to invade Poland.

4

Thank you. I was at the point of trying to weasel out of my mom either her '93 Mustang with 36,000 miles or her Passat wagon, considerably later and with more miles. My hot-rodder heart pushed me to the 'Stang (brother has been shopping for chips to make the trip from Seattle more entertaining, if less economical), but there was a part nagging at me and saying, “Sure, you’ve owned and got lots of miles out of early/mid-90s Fords, but VW claims to be superior.”

5

Not too long ago, they were the efficient and reliable German engineering. Now even goddamn Kias are better.

6

Maybe it haes somesing to do wis Germany svitching to capitalism.

7

I’ve had the exact opposite experience. Every car I’ve ever had to change tires on (Volvo, Saab, Ford and some other) has had the bolts, except one mid 90s Honda. Never had much of a problem with the wheel sliding off though. It seems to hang quite nicely on the metal rim.

8

Whatever you do, don’t mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it…

9

Vince the Sham-Wow guy would like a word with the OPer.

10

Volkswagon to buy Porsche. This scares me to death. Not so long ago when the transaction was heading in the other direction, the Porschification of VW sounded pretty good. This though, not so much.

11

What the hell are talking about? Germany was capitalist for as long as it has been producing Volkswagens and other cars for export that were not made out of plastic and equipped with lawn mower engines.

12

Or that guy with the funny mustache.

13

I’d be surprised if the VW jack was as shitty as the Mercedes jack. It dropped the car on a level concrete surface because I didn’t have it positioned just exactly right but was apparently 1/64" off.

And the same crappy lug bolt system except I’d guess the Mercedes wheel/tire is heavier than a VW’s, adding to the fun.

14

Know who else hated the Germans? HITLoh, wait…

15

I have a 2000 BMW 328Ci, and the lugbolts are exactly as you described. A total pain in the ass, especially at night in the winter.

Because of jack problems in prior cars, I spent $20 on a floor hydraulic jack and I don’t think I’ve ever used the BMW factory jack. It’s well worth the $20.

16

…and I DON’T AGREE WITH THAT IN THE WORKPLACE!

17

You think it is a joke, but at the end in his bunker Hitler blamed all Germans and that they should also die with him for being so military incompetent or treasonous.

Of course he conveniently ignored that his defeat was also caused by his stupid orders and his dumb chain of command organization.

18

I’m sick of the Swiss, myself.

19

Which is actually named after a guy with the last name “German,” not the country.

20

Next you’ll be telling me French’s Mustard isn’t made in France either.