I hate this Italian suit

The BBQ Pit
1

About 3 months ago I bought this really cool custom suit. It’s kind of a greyish olive with black lines in it. It’s super light and it wears really well, flatters me, and doesn’t hold wrinkles.

I guess it’s almost a light linen, but I don’t know much about the material. Oh, and it’s Italian.

The problem is that the pants are a moisture magnet. I’m pretty careful at the urinal, but I guess you get that microscopic splash back, and you know what they say about no matter how you shake, or how you dance.

As a test I took a single drop of water and dropped it onto the pants, and it spread out creating a dark and very visible circle almost three inches in diameter.

If I wear this suit and go to the bathroom, it looks like I pissed my pants. If I wash my hands, more water sprays on them, and I look like I fell in a river.

It must be a combination of the color and the material, but how can I wear a suit all day if I have to hold my bladder.

I’ve taken to sitting down to pee, and having to plan commando assaults on the bathroom to avoid running into people on the way back to my office.

This is no way to live. I guess Italian men don’t piss.

Because of these indignities, I’ve decided to suspend all rational judgement and hate Italy and all things Italian whenever I wear this suit.

Fuckin’ Italians did this on purpose to me. The bastards.

2

Ah yes, the famous comedy “Whoopee Pants,” as tailored by the firm of Gallagher and Shean. I used to own one of their skirts—you know, the kind that does a Marilyn Monroe everytime a breeze comes by?

3

Try wearing Depends for the drip, and carry one of those hankie sized, emergency lightweight plastic ponchos to wear when you wash your hands.

If you use a lav. that has a blowdryer for drying hands, you can always redirect the nozzle to your wet spot.

4

Serves you right for buying pinstripes. Sheesh.

Haven’t you heard of polka dots?
(psssst, Italian sucks. Stick with Geranimals.)

5

Ooh. Scylla in a polka dotted suit. Now that’s a sight.

I kind of like the pancho idea.

Oh, and I don’t think Italian men don’t piss. I think they’re just comfortable enough in their machoness to deal with the wet areas.

“Yeah, I gotcha wet spot right here!”

6

So, anyone else read “suit” in the title as “slut?” That’s the thread I want to read.

7

Of course you could cut a hole in a salad bar sneeze guard and hold that in front of you each time. Didn’t Batman have some contraption akin to that?

8

Damn Italian suit.

And what’s up with those well-built German performance cars?

And do I have to start anyone on the French foie gras? I mean really.

Dude, either

  1. Drop-trou completely and freak out anyone else who comes in to shake the dew off the lily

or

  1. fashion a bib of sorts out of paper towels. Hell, take an old apron, cut out an appropriate aperture, and make it your bathroom bib.
9

Man are you fucked up in the head Miller. What kind of sick, perverted, messed up, mind-in-the-gutter, twisted, pruient,…

[sub]Yeah, I read it as slut too[/sub]

10

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I object!

11

Try to look on the bright side. You look fabulous, apart from the piss stain.

12

That’s why my suits are charcoal wool. They sure as hell don’t show a drop, and they’re Italian.

But nooo, Scylla has to be stylish . . .

13

seawitch, I like your style. :cool:

14

Wait a minute…

You have to wear a suit to work? With a necktie and all?

That sucks!

I just wake up, find a shirt that doesn’t smell too bad, and find a pair of jeans (same odor requirement).

I put everything on and go to work. I don’t even need to comb my hair, since I don’t have any.

What kind of Nazi-esque outfit do you work for?

15

Well, I just guess you’ll just have to join the rest of us poor schmoes, who can’t afford an Italian suit, and have to settle for a suit made in (checking lapel) the Federal Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia.

Sometimes it pays to be a cheapo.

16

Hay, some of us don’t even own a goddam suit!

… what?

Now Scylla, all you have to do is position a young lady or young man (or possibly young sheep) of your choice on your lap to hide the MASSIVE FREAKIN PISS STAIN. Problem solved.

17

You mean you piss through your underwear? Yikes!

18

Instead of shaking off the last few drops at the conclusion of your piss, here’s what you do: as it trails off, step back and start to spin rapidly (a la Linda Carter’s Wonder Woman), allowing the centrifugal effect to carry the pee-drips AWAY from you and your moisture-sensitive garment…

I’m sure noone will mind…

19

Raises hand. I came in here expecting to see the OP get roasted for using such an un-PC insult.

20

Oh and the smell those linen suits acquire after a few wearings don’t go near garlic or leather huraches while wearing that suit.