I have a new humor site!

[MEBuckner]

Courtesy of the sig of CyberHippy, from this Pit thread, I have a new humor site to tide me over in between new editions of The Onion: Astro Insight!

Their scientific prediction for the month of September 2001:

Compared to August the month of September is likely to be relatively a lot less stressful for most of the world, especially from natural and man-made accidents, terrorism, and violence standpoints. Also, after the first week of September, expect some relief to the volatile region of Israel and Palestine.

Oops.

The major planetary configurations that are likely to be dominant during August are: Pluto-Rahu ninefold conjunction (and Pluto-Ketu ninefold opposition), Uranus-Rahu/Ketu ninefold squares, Neptune-Pluto ninefold trine, and Uranus-Saturn sextile. The first two configurations are likely to be responsible for accidents and instability in general, the latter two will nullify the negative effect caused by the first two configurations by providing favorable and positive energy for world prosperity.

Rahu? (Not to mention Ketu.)

Ohhh-kay…
(skipping down a bit)

United States: For Bush administration, overall, September will not be as bad as August. September 11-25 period is good for the republicans and for the Bush administration, although the administration needs to be a bit more careful during September 17-27 in dealing with Russians and Europeans.

And as I pointed out in that other thread, Bush’s approval ratings did soar during the September 11-25 period! And he had to deal with all sorts of foreign leaders in September, too.

The first week of September will relatively be quiet for Bush, but then he is likely to face new domestic challenges from democrats that would test his leadership. I expect him to do fine.

Watch out for that second week though. (“New domestic challenges from [D]emocrats that would test [Bush’s] leadership” after the first week in September? You don’t suppose Daschle’s behind the whole thing, do you? Awfully clever of him to have sent anthrax to himself. No one will ever suspect that way.)

In the latter half of the month for the entire country, in general, expect some very difficult period perhaps due to a series of natural disasters or political instability or social unrest.

I’m sure they’re counting that as a hit. Never mind that it appears to basically contradict their lead paragraph–if you just contradict yourself enough, you can’t possibly be wrong all the time.

Democrats will have very frustrating time from September 9 onwards…

Yeah, you know the Dems are just gnashing their teeth in frustration. “90% approval ratings! He didn’t even have a popular vote majority!”

Russia: In general, beginning September 10, the rest of the month is very positive for Russia to make political as well as economical headways.

By golly, another hit! Putin has been getting real cozy with the West! “Chechnya? Fuggadaboutit! We’re gonna be kicking some radical Islamic butt ourselves real soon, Vlad baby.”

Europe: From stability point of view September may turn out to be just fine for Europe…

Well, yeah, they didn’t get attacked.

Religion: Uranus-Jupiter ninefold opposition (Sept 10-14), and the ninefold squares between Jupiter and the lunar nodes (Sept 13-16) are likely to bring tough challenges for the religious authorities in dealing with their liberal counterparts.

I guess you could put it that way.

Natural and Man-made Calamities: Except for the first 10 days of the month, pretty much the entire month is going to be filled with events that have to deal with both man-made and natural calamities, especially for the United States, and to some extent both the continents of America.

While man-made calamities may manifest themselves in terrorism, unrest, violence, and accidents, the natural calamities are likely to include extreme weather conditions such as severe cold winters in the northern hemisphere, and equally intensive droughts in the southern hemisphere; and thunderstorms, earthquakes, air crashes and fires.

There you go, they predicted it all. Well, except for classifying the “air crashes and fires” as “natural” calamities rather than “man-made” calamities. And I thought they said this September was supposed to “relatively a lot less stressful” than this August was. Funny, I can barely even remember this August. Did Earth get hit by a giant asteroid or something? I guess it was so stressful I just blotted it right out of my mind.

Speaking of August, I really love their prediction for August 2000:

In general, expect a lot of political and economical activities around the world during the first half of this month, and then later in the last week of the month.

Boy, they really went out on a limb on that one, didn’t they?

[T_Bill]

It’s great. What’s the Onion?

[Chickenhead]

Dear my GOD sir

I hope that you are being facetious, but if not, get thee to a

Fuck it, I hate when people awkwardly force literary allusions like that. Just go to http://www.theonion.com