I have a problem. With food.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

::sighs::

You know, I’ve always known instinctively that I’ve had an addictive personality. That’s why I’ve avoided the big nasties. Tobacco, marijuana, alcohol. . .I’ve either never tried them or extremely limited my exposure to two times or less in my entire life. I didn’t even let myself join any online role-playing groups, because I knew–I knew!–that if I started in them, I could get to the point where I’d be psychologically addicted to them. This board’s been the only potentially addictive thing I’ve allowed myself to experience. I mean, I know that I am the grandchild of alcoholics; I know the way that my mind works.

So I’ve been good. I’ve been really, really good, as far as avoiding most things go. That is, except for one thing:

Food.

I’ve always had a slight weight problem. Nothing major, nothing where I’m totally and completely obese. Just carrying a few extra pounds around with me. I’d come to the conclusion long ago that I would basically eat whatever I wanted, 'cause it wasn’t going to make a difference. And it didn’t. Hell, long term, I was actually slowly–very slowly, but it was still there–losing weight. I was cute. Not a knockout, not skinny, but not really that fat. Just sorta middle of the road.

Then I got together with my ex. He was an emotionally manipulative and abusive, insensitive, and self-involved guy about 50 percent of the time. Being with him kinda hurt. It was an online relationship, and sometimes he’d get mad and yell at me, or he’d ignore me, and, to kill time/distract myself/make myself feel better, I’d go get food. The 15 minute trip to the cafeteria and back usually gave me time to think. Ordering pizza gave me contact with other human beings, and something to focus on besides what my ex was/wasn’t doing. Not to mention the fact that, once I got to college, unhealthy food was all around.

It began that way. Fortunately, for a while, I was able to (mostly) control things. Keep my weight more or less under control. I mean, there was the freshmen 10 (it wasn’t even 15!), but, big deal, that happens to everyone.

After winter break, though, the relationship went downhill. Big-time downhill. Massively heartbreakingly so. At that point, the eating just went FWOOSH! through the proverbial roof. Gradually, as the pain of breaking up subsided, so did the eating–except for one thing: whenever I got stressed, even a little bit, I immediately turned back towards food.

My life is mostly good now. I mean, we’re not talking the best thing in the whole wide world, but things are going decent. Still, I get stressed, as humans are prone to do even under the best of circumstances, and then I eat. It doesn’t even have to be heartbreak anymore; having a paper due the next morning’ll do it just as well.

I didn’t realize this until this morning, as I was standing in the shower and thinking about addiction. I mean, if I’m stressed and attempting to diet, I get SO pissy. If things are all serene in my life–no problem…but things never stay totally serene for long. I’m in college, dammit. Things come up.

And the annoying thing is–the thing that really gets me–is that I can’t just totally stop eating. Not only is it necessary for my survival, but it’s part of normal human interaction (especially when that interaction is often with a bunch of gamer blokes or my little sister who can be a 14 year old, 120 pound, 5’9" vacuum cleaner).

I want to stop doing this, though. I don’t have money for programs. I don’t know the first thing about proper nutrition. And I don’t know how to get rid of the psychological need. And I hate it. I don’t know what to do, and I hate it.

…is there anything I can do? I mean, is there a pill I can take or something? Anything. I don’t even care about maintaining optimal energy and health at this point. I don’t care about deficiencies or the fact that, if I crash diet, I might go into a manic-depressive spiral due to sensitive body chemistry. I just don’t care. I want to stop, and I want to lose the weight that this has made me gain. That’s it.

I have an addiction. And it stinks.

So now what?

2

AOTL, I don’t have tons of great advice for you, but I just wanted to express my sympathy…a lot of people have a very complicated relationship with food.

If I were you, rather than focusing on “not eating,” or dieting, I would find a happier outlet for all that energy. Get on a bike and take some time for yourself; I like to put my headphones on, straddle up, and just “get lost” for an hour or two. Bike riding is something most of us have done since childhood; I don’t think of it as exercise, or as punishing myself for what I’ve eaten…I think of it as time I set aside for myself. It’s extremely relaxing and I feel a lot better when I get back; things are in perspective.

And honestly, “dieting” will never work as long as you look at it as punishment. Getting some physical exercise will make you feel a lot better, and get you in much better shape, than cutting out foods you like. Exercise is kind of a “pro-active” way of losing weight, vs. just dieting…b/c if you just diet, you haven’t changed anything except saying “No!” to yourself all day long. This is inevitably a short-term solution. (And it sucks!)

Having said that…the quickest way to lose weight is to eat four/five times a day…just replacing your normal comfort foods with something a little healthier. Fruit, lean chicken, salads, lots of fish, pasta, etc…don’t let yourself get hungry b/c that’s when you eat far too much of whatever’s at hand. If there’s food in the house you don’t think you should eat, throw it out. Don’t keep it for later; don’t make it an option. Throw it out. If you’re in the mood for ice-cream, for instance, go to Baskin Robbins and get a scoop of it. Don’t buy it and keep it in the fridge. Make ice-cream, or whatever food you can’t live without, a treat. Rather than a staple of your diet. Keep only good stuff in your fridge; this will make everything a lot easier.

And seriously…think about something you enjoyed doing as a kid, like roller-skating or bike-riding, and pick it back up again. Physical activity stimulates powerful, ‘feel good’ brain chemicals.

And it’ll accelerate any kind of weight loss like you wouldn’t believe.

I wish you all kinds of luck.

3

I have an addiction, too. I’d die without food.

Hee, okay. Serious now.

Up to the halfway point, you could have been talking about me. I’ve always prided myself on eating whatever the hell I wanted, be it a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream in one go, or beef jerky, sour candies and chocolate all at the same time. I ate when I was bored, annoyed, out with my friends, or just when I felt like it. Damn, I love food.

About this time last year, I decided I was sick of having low self-esteem because of my weight (again, not very overweight, but enough for me). I decided to eat better and exercise (and i can’t even tell you how much I hate both).

I lost about 10 pounds last summer, but I haven’t been good about it. This past week, I’ve joined Weight Watchers.

I won’t lie: I hate not eating huge volumes of whatever the hell I want. And I guess I always will. But I’ve found that if I set myself concrete goals that I am responsible for (ie, the point system) I’ll stick to them, even though I hate it.

Which is all to say that you can love food and not be addicted to it. You can find a way to feel in control of your eating (and that is the issue, right?).

Why don’t you try making up a meal plan for youself? Something do-able. Not necessarily little food, nor to lose weight, but to prove that you can decide what to eat, and stick to that.

Email me if you wanna talk.

4

The only thing that has worked for me in the past has been making a commitment to myself to be healthier. It usually only happens when I gain a few too many pounds for my own comfort, at which point I force myself to do something. But then it’s hard to sustain that commitment. I haven’t found anything that works permanently yet. I usually start eating right and working out, get really really healthy, and then get tired of the routine. So I stop and gradually slide back into slovenliness. I think the secret is changing your whole lifestyle; recognizing your deeply ingrained habits and then breaking them. Being realistic also helps. Realistically, people don’t go from sedentary compulsive eater to healthnut overnight, or if they do, the change is only temporary. The best way is to set smaller goals and take it slowly. For example, you could promise to yourself that you’ll exercise 30 minutes three times a week. That’s a beneficial and realistic goal. (I know your goals are more about eating than about exercise, but I’m just using that as an example. Besides, it’s likely that you’ll eat less if you expend that nervous energy with exercise, plus you’ll affirm the commitment to yourself and feel less of a need for food.) Good luck, AotL.

5

AotL, I know where you’re coming from.

You mentioned you’re in college–most schools have free or low cost psychological counseling. You may find that counseling can help you get to the root of why you eat, or at least help you deal with the stress/depression/personal problems that lead to overeating. A lot of schools also have diet support groups or nutrition programs, offered either in a mental health setting or a fitness center. I did it, and it helped a lot–even though I didn’t stop abusing food right away, it was much easier to be rational and say, “Okay, I’m eating now because I’m feeling bad about myself. If I keep eating, I’m going to feel worse. So I’m going to stop now.”

As far as the purely physical part, I second the advice to set small goals. Try reducing your caffeine intake–it may help keep your moods more moderate, and for me, at least, cutting the caffeine way, way down has kept away the wild hunger pangs.

Best of luck to you, AotL. Feel free to email.

6

Angel, Overeaters Anonymous was of great help to my ex-wife and to many of our friends. OA literally saved her life from her eating disorder. I don’t know if it’s the route you would want to go, but their literature might help you determine whether you are in need of serious treatment.

The best of luck to you. Take care.

7

I have an eating disorder.

I agree with Duke, try OA meetings. Just sit and listen… see if it is for you.

I’d cut out simple carbohydrates if I was you. They are mostly sugar (low amounts of nutrients) and people seem to be more “addicted” to them than to other foods.

You say you don’t know about nutrition. I suggest you inform yourself. McDonalds spend thousands of dollars perfecting their french fries - the exact taste, temp, crunch that will make it “addictive”. Foods loaded in sugars, additives and MSG… can easily become additive. I’d say stick to the basics/whole foods. Foods that you would see in nature.

8

Keep yourslef busy and your mind occupied, the less time you have to think about food, the less likely you are to start thinking about what stuff you could be eating right now.

I always found that when i was really busy i was better at eating not only less - but more sensibly too.

Some people find hypnosis works… personaly i’m not game to try that one though.

As far as pils, there’s one called xenical (http://www.xenical.com) that effect that absorbs the fat and teaches you to eat less fat… has horrid side effects apparently, if you eat fat, it basically comes right back out again with a vengance a short time later - i’ve no idea how effective it is…but it needs to be appraoched as a training program rather than a “now i can eat what i want cause my body won’t abosrb the fat” kinda thing…

9

Hey… don’t feel bad for this.

Ultimately, you are “caring” for yourself. You are attempting to “soothe” yourself now, comfort yourself. THAT is a good thing. Just look for other ways of doing THIS that are more “healthy” and beneficial.

10

I used to feel the same way you did, Angel. I think I even said the same thing you have said about being addicted to food… You have been thinking about food the same way for so long that you can’t imagine thinking in other ways. I promise you that it is possible. For years, I thought I was a failure because I had not embraced an exercise-centered life the way my father encouraged me to.

I was one BMI point shy of obese when I decided to get help. The day I walked into Weight Watchers was one of the hardest days of my life. I finally had to own up to my helplessness. Now I am so glad I did it. I’ve been a member for almost 3 years.

The Weight Watchers program and philosophy work for me. Intially, I lost enough weight (20 pounds) to run again after over ten years of a sedentary lifestyle. Now I exercise regularly and I eat healthful foods. Weight Watchers is not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. My ideas about food were out-of-whack for over thirty years; it’s going to take me a while to incorporate the new information I’ve found. The program teaches you to eat reasonable portions of healthful food and encourages you to exercise. They don’t have “program food” to buy; you just eat regular food. The weekly meetings keep me on track. When I get to my goal weight, I will continue to attend.

I sound like I’m trying to sell you something; I don’t work for Weight Watchers, I just really believe in the program. If you have any questions, send me an e-mail.

Angel, don’t despair. Others have been where you are. Help is available. Reach out for it. Hugs.

11

In addition to the nutrition information you’re getting (particularly the stuff from Gazelle, which I’m biased but agree with), I think it’s also important to think of the PSYCHOLOGICAL aspect of this.

You’ve said yourself that you turn to food in times of trouble.

I think what you may need more than a healthy eating plan is a counseling program. That will allow you to deal with the problems in your life. And perhaps find a better way to deal with emotions. A nutritionist isn’t really equipped to handle that.

This is your first step. Please don’t make it your last.