I have a squirrel nesting in my shed.

I have a shed/garage that’s a little bit too narrow to park a car in very easily in my backyard. Because it’s so tough to park, I use it almost exclusively for storing stuff.

Today, for the first time, I came nearly face-to-face with a little vermin resident, a squirrel. I had reason to suspect that I had nesting critters, but I could never prove it. Until now.

I have a little unused storage cabinet on the wall, which was approximately where I saw said squirrel. I carefully opened the door to find a whole boatload of shredded cardboard stuffed inside. I then carefully took the handle of a rake and started to work the cardboard out of the cabinet. I was well on my way when I pushed in a bit further, whereupon I heard something hit the side of the cabinet really hard and rattle around. Yep, you guessed it, I poked the squirrel. Of course, what with me being brave and all, I ran like a litle sissy. So it’s still in there, presumably.

What should I do? I could perforate it with several hollowpoints, but the town cops would not be happy with me. I could put out some rat poison or something, but that would mean I’d have to get close in again, and that is not an option. I’m thinking that I should probably call the local vermin control specialist, but at what cost? If it’s not as cheap as ammo, shooting holes in it becomes a favorable option in spite of the risk of arrest (I’m kidding).

Anyway, I’m kinda geeked out right now. Everyone has their little phobias, mine is wild animals, birds, whatever. It always has been. Who knows what fear lurks in the hearts of men? That damn squirrel does, and now so do you.

I feel you brother. My fear of squirrels is well known. Can you shoot it with rat poison bullets? Perhaps you can bait it into the gentle and loving cradle of a trebuchet and fling it into the next county.

Got any dogs? This is a great time to get a Great Dane.

What about cats?
One cat and that squirrel is history.

5 cats, and that varmint is puree.

Super soaker?

Well, you could pack up MsRobyn and Aaron and move. When you ran like a sissy, did you also shriek like a six year old girl? Cause, the two do kinda go hand in hand.

Ok, now to be serious. I’m probably gonna get all kinds of grief for this, but I say put out poison. If you don’t you’ll have a herd of those damn tree rats by Fall.

Don’t get me wrong either. I love animals. I hate squirrels. They’re not animals. They’re minions of the god of Mean Fuzzy Things.

Fuck them. Fuck them and the trees they live in…and pounce on you from when you’re little and innocently riding your bike underneath them…twice…

Nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.


If you’re determined to off the rodent, a pellet gun will do the trick and be less likely to attract attention from law enforcement. If you’re not storing gas or potentially dangerous chemicals, you might just leave the door open, with maybe a saucer of milk on the floor. Local cat finds milk, and then has fresh meat to complete the meal.

Aperitif plus entree. I’m liking this idea.

Set the shed on fire. Squirrels hate fire, and will leave of their own accord.

Misread as: I have a squirrel nesting in my head.

Update: I mowed the lawn, and when I went to put the mower away I realized that I was gonna have to do something. So I decided to declare open warfare on the little bastard.

The first thing I did was grab a tire iron. I popped the other cabinet door open with it and prepared to repel boarders. When I got no response I took a 10-foot branch with a nicely tapered point on it and started digging. That got him going. He took off up to the rafters of the shed, trying to hide while still giving me the hairy eyeball.

Showing some backbone for a change, I proceeded to methodically clean the cabinet out, destroying every last vestige of his nest. But still he sat there, staring at me with those beady eyes. Well, I decided that I was going to go for broke, so I picked up some pieces of wood from our shedding willow tree, looking for the ones that most resembled javelins, and stood face to face with the little vermin.

I now know why I never did track and field, because I chucked 5 of them at him from 10 feet and did no more than strike a glancing blow. In my defense, they weren’t very aerodynamic, and I was dealing with a roof as well, but on this day I put up a pathetic performance. So I pulled out the heavy artillery. Bricks.

I popped that little disease carrier 3 times with 1/2 sized bricks. Here I was feeling as though he would realize who was boss. Which he did. He went back behind the cabinet and would not be dislodged. Yep, he’s the boss.

So I left the doors open on both ends, hoping he will pack up and leave tonight before I really get pissed off. Somehow I doubt it will work, so tomorrow the mortal combat continues, only this time I’m bringing some real heat. Let’s see how he likes a bug bomb. Oh yeah, it’s on now. No more prisoners. I’m gonna Saddam Hussein his ass if he’s still there. Count on it.

One more thing: my wife is now referring to me as Carl Spackler.

Yeah, I can live with that.

A Havahart trap would do the job. Then you relocate the little sob far away.

I saw the title of the thread and thought it was Air Force lingo for coming out of the closet and was going to express my shock and ask how Ms. Robyn was taking it…but never mind.

Yeah, “Carl’s” reaction was pretty funny.

He went to the shed to get the mower so he could cut the grass. Two seconds later, he comes running out again. No screaming, though, which was kind of disappointing. When he ran out, though, I wasn’t thinking squirrel, I was thinking bat or 'possum, both of which live in our neighborhood.

He asked if we could get a cat. He hates cats with every inch of his being, so if he’s serious about wanting to get a cat, it’s a big deal. (I talked him out of it, though; it’d have to be an outside cat, and we live between two dogs.)

My big fear is that the squirrel is pregnant and nesting. Pregnant squirrels are not nice squirrels, and I don’t want to have to take Airman to the ER for shots. For one thing, the staff would make fun of him and for another, he hates needles, too.

I love it. My husband is willing to fly over enemy territory and risk his life, but he’s afraid of a little woodland creature. On the other hand, this is reminding me of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, and we all know who wins those fights.


It’s time to put away the gopher-shaped plastic explosive for another time, because it appears that my nemesis is history. I have vanquished my foe, and I have done so by demonstrating courage, pride, and persistence.

OK, so it’s probably because I left the doors open last night. Get off my back.

Why do you hate squirrels? I ask because I do not have much experience with those critters. They sure look cute and fluffy though and maybe I am wrong, but I have not heard of them being a threat or a nuisance. Or are they?

How does it bother you if he is in the shed nesting in a cabinet unless you expressely wish to use the cabinet for some other purpose?

Also, you say

Is it illegal to kill wild squirrels in your country?

In my opinion, killing it should be the last option. Couldn’t you just fill up the cabinet with whatever stuff you want to and then repair and lock the door so that he can’t get in. When it finds no place to stay, I hope it will leave and look elsewhere for its habitat.

Ah, the “they’re cute” defense. Well, if you must know, that little squirrel chewed the back out of the cabinet and brought trash into my shed, in addition to his disease -bearing feces. Furthermore, I don’t have to justify why I want a nuisance out of a building he does not belong in, “cute and fluffy” or not.

Did you miss the part where I said that I have an unreasonable fear of animals like squirrels? Also, since you apparently like little pests so much, I expect you to take one into your home or property. What, you won’t do it? Thought so.

No. It is, however, illegal to pop off a shot with a factory, 5 houses, and numerous children within sight of my home. I don’t live in the country. I live in a rustic yet well-developed town.


I was thinking to bad you didn’t have some ACME anvils to use after the bricks.