My girlfriend of nine years’ mother has passed away, and today i was asked by her and her sister to give “a short talk” at the funeral. I said I would do it if they were absolutely sure this is what they wanted. They’re sure. Apparently, they think I’m a good public speaker. This will happen on Thursday afternoon.There will be a service from Episcopal book of common prayer led by a priest and at some point I’ll be asked to do my thing. I’ve got some notes from my S.O and her sister, but I have to do the synthesis and deliver. I was raised Church of Christ but have been an atheist since I was about 10 years old, so I’m not familiar with the Episcopal service at all.
Y’all, I’m in way over my head here. I’ve got to get through this thing without pissing off anyone in the family (I suspect I was chosen in part because I don’t have any dog in any of the various longstanding family fights) and actually doing honor to a woman whom I quite liked. Does anyone have any pointers on a how to give a good eulogy? Anything to avoid? Do I open with a joke? What do I do?
I happened to see this yesterday, on how to give a eulogy. My own advice would be similar - say only nice (true) stuff, but don’t build the person up into a huge saint if they actually weren’t, don’t go on for a long time, and definitely don’t open with a joke.
It doesn’t matter if you’re an atheist or not. A eulogy is a time to remember the person. If you have endearing stories about her, those would be good to talk about.
I’d be hesitant to joke unless I knew the crowd would be receptive to it. Normally when I public speak I go for self-deprecating humor, so I’m always trying for a laugh. But this is an entirely different situation.
Also…short and sweet. You don’t have to go on and on.
Last year I had to say a few words about my uncle when he died. As it turned out, I read a letter from his good friend, but I was ready to tell a story from my youth, and to remember what a good man he was. That’s the way I’d approach it, since you do genuinely like her.
ABout 20 months ago I ended up writing the eulogy for the mother of my girlfriend of less than 6 months’ standing. I met her for the first and only time for about 5 minutes the day before she died, semi-delirious in hospital. So I had no personal experience to go on. My gf and I sat down and just talked through her life; I was also able to go through her emails and photo albums.
Then I just wrote down the story of her life. I ended up with three pages, which was about right I think. I certainly didn’t start with a joke, but a little gentle humour in two or three places went down very well. I ran it past my gf a few times then her father once, for accuracy (this is vital) detail and tone. I was able to include a number of vignettes that illustrated facets of her life (that’s one important thing - don’t omit anything that anyone close to her might consider to have been important in her life - hobbies, interests, travel, significant life events).
Fortunately it went very well! I met all her friends and relatives for the first time at her funeral (she and they all lived in a different city than my gf and I) and several of them told me that the eulogy had encapsulated her as a person.
Be inclusive in what you write, but also as brief as practical - it’s better to say a little about everything that mattered to her in her life than say a lot about some things and leave others out.
When my Dad died, I co-did the eulogies. I went with TS Eliot and the Book of Revelations. I also had the opportunity to write the old man a letter before he died, and before the morphine whacked his marbles.
Write the letter to her that you would have written to her if you’d had advanced warning; the letter you’d want her to read. Then, tone the thing down for public consumption. It took me three rewrites, but the eulogy pretty much did its’ thing.
Oh, per the atheist end of things. If she had a favourite passage or two from the Bible, you can use that. If you weren’t privy to that, ask around, or if you can get her Bible, see where marked things up or took notes. That shouild placate the fundies.
Barring that, leave the religious bits to the clergy half of the team.
I wouldn’t worry about the being an atheist thing – there’s going to be a minister there to throw in the appropriate Bible references.
As others have said, short and sweet, tell an anecdote or two about why you liked her. Your job is to get people nodding along – “yeah, she was great alright.”
Thanks for the replies, everyone. This thread has been a real help. Dopers are the best.
I’m not too worried about my atheism cocking things up too much, because she wasn’t particularly religious herself. Yes, I intend to leave the religion to the priest. I mentioned my upbringing and current beliefs to make the point that I am totally unfamiliar with the Episcopal service. Church of Christ funerals are no doubt very different than the kind I’m used to. I’m going to approach this as speaking on behalf of my S.O. and her sister and lean heavily on their input for the content of my talk.