My SO’s parents died earlier this week under exceedingly tragic circumstances. The memorial service is next Tuesday and my SO will of course be speaking. However, he’s doubtful of his ability to get through it without breaking down, and he specifically asked me to seek advice from you good folks.
My advice (which I did not give) would be to either a) have a few drinks beforehand, or b) just not do it – surely everyone would understand. Anyone have something more useful to offer?
Hmmm…personally, I would ask one of my parents’ friends to do it instead of me. I would just be too devastated, and exhausted.
I mean, the kid has to do all of the leg work in a funeral - does he have to give the eulogy too?
I’ve done this by reading from a 3X5 card. I don’t think anybody minded that I was reading aloud, and not only did it help me get through what I wanted to get through successfully, I also got to mull over exactly what to say and then say exactly what I had mulled over.
In some settings reading aloud might be viewed less sympathetically, but at a funeral there is plenty of sympathy available.
Why does he have to do it without breaking down? There’s no shame in that.
I’d say the best advice is not to worry about breaking down: if he does, he does; if not, he doesn’t. Just concentrate on what he wants to say (write it down, if necessary) and say as much of it as he can.
I agree. I have only rarely seen eulogies performed by an obviously distraught family member. I don’t know why he would put himself through that. Everyone already knows how he feels. It goes without saying. There is no honor lost getting someone else to do it.
If I’m understanding the OP correctly, he’s not distraught now, he’s just worried about breaking down halfway through his speech and being unable to finish. I too have never seen eulogies performed by family members who were obviously already extremely upset–normally they, and everyone else around them, realizes that they’re not going to be up to the task, and by unspoken consensus someone else steps up to give the eulogy. But that doesn’t appear to be the case here.
I wouldn’t recommend either of the OP’s suggested options. My advice would be (C) go ahead and do it, and break down if necessary. It is inevitably going to be an emotional experience, only someone with a heart of stone would be able to get up and give the eulogy for parents who died tragically without shedding a few tears, and anybody in the congregation who has a problem with a eulogy-giver breaking down halfway through his eulogy is a total and absolute dick.
I mean, golly, people are expected to weep when their parents die. If anybody has an issue with a son weeping helplessly throughout his sobbing eulogy for his parents and being unable to finish–as if they had paid for a speech to be given dammit and they expect a speech to be given–they can just suck it.
Tell him to go for it. He’s supposed to cry when publicly reminiscing about his tragically deceased parents. If he didn’t, there’d be something wrong with him.
The 3x5 card is good, or even an entire typewritten speech. Nobody’s expecting him to give an extemporaneous talk–indeed, all the eulogies I’ve ever attended were read off of notes of some kind, if only scribbled onto the back of a napkin. And tell him it’s perfectly okay to stand there sobbing and reading until he’s plowed his way through all he meant to say. He’s not a presenter at the Oscars or the Grammys, it’s not an “entertainment event” where everything Must Go Smoothly or heads will roll–it’s a funeral.
I agree with everything said so far on both the “Don’t do it” and the “Go ahead and break down” sides. But there are a few factors at work here with regard to my SO:
This is a man who makes his living in public speaking, so he feels people expect it and he should be able to do it.
To him, showing emotion = loss of control = weakness.
He was extremely close to his parents and he’d never forgive himself if he sat on the sidelines.
I did it when I was 16 and my grandfather died. I read something I had already written, and so I just focused really really hard on reading it like it was from a book and I was not actually a part of what was going on. I got through it, and I sat back down and then fell to hell.
But really there is no shame in breaking down. It’s not like people are going to think you’re an asshole for falling apart while trying to give a eulogy for your parents. What are they going to say ‘That was a shitty eulogy. Can you believe their son started crying and couldn’t finish it? What a fuck up.’
Nobody would dare to do something so nasty as that.
While of course there’s no way to predict what will happen in the actual moment, I think that his training and experience (and his attitude toward showing emotion) will kick in and he’ll be able to get through the eulogy. Really.
All I have to support this theory is an anecdotal tale of my own: When my first grandmother died I was still a practicing Catholic, and I agreed to be the cantor (the congregation’s songleader) at the funeral mass. I, too, was worried about breaking up halfway through singing “Eagle’s Wings” or something, but my experience as a performer and my horror at the idea of “stealing the show” got me through it. I broke down later, after most everyone else had shed their tears, but I got through the “me up there in front of everyone” part.
To me, these items contradict each other. There are time when losing control is a good thing, and this is one of them.
It seems to me that in the great majority of cases, maintaining control can indeed be a sign of strength. But this is the exceptional case, where refusal to show emotion is cowardly, and allowing oneself to break down is the courageous thing.
My suggestion: Have your SO write what he wants to say and have someone else read it at the funeral, for example a family friend or a clergy person. This way your SO gets to honor his parents’ memory in his own words without having performance anxiety on top of his grief. Not that I would begrudge anything to anyone who just lost their parents, but this might make it easier.
At the funeral of an infant it was my sad duty to attend, the minister read something the father wrote. There was no way the dad was going to be able to read anything in public about his son so soon after his tragic loss.
I am sorry for your family’s loss.
First off, ditto what everyone else said - nobody on the face of the earth would expect a son to eulogize his parents on short notice under the circumstances you’ve described in your other thread without bawling their eyes out. Normal, human, healthy response.
That said, if he’s concerned with getting through his eulogy without having to stop too often, practice it out loud beforehand, over and over. A good friend of mine asked me to “preside” over his mother’s ceremony recently and while I’m comfortable speaking in front of crowds that was a new one to me. I read the thing out loud many times in private, that really helped me not choke up too much during the actual reading, I guess because I knew how I’d feel when I said certain things, at what points I was likely to feel like I needed to take a deep breath, etc. It reminds me of running a familiar trail, I know not to sprint here because I’m going to need my strength for that big hill down the way.
This stuff affects everybody differently - at my grandfather’s funeral my uncles and aunt spoke while my dad, normally a pillar of calm and strength at the worst of times, was unable to say anything, it was just too hard.
Tell him I said, “Pfui” and I went like this: " :rolleyes: "
Then ask him to visualize this: Tell him to think of his all-time favorite standup comic.
Now tell him to visualize, say, George Carlin delivering the eulogy for his parents who have just died unexpectedly and tragically.
Now tell him to visualize George Carlin breaking into helpless sobs halfway through and being unable to finish.
Question: does he feel contempt for George, “man, what a pussy”? “Geez, that’s so unprofessional”?
Or does he feel pity, and sympathy?
Tell him to try this with any public figure he cares to name.
Meryl Streep.
Bill Clinton.
Kim Jong-Il.
Oprah.
Billy Crystal.
All of those people you could reasonably expect to get through an ordinary speech without screwing up–but all of those people would not surprise you if they broke down halfway through a eulogy for their parents, and you would not feel contempt or irritation.
At least, you wouldn’t if you were a normal person. As for the dicks in the world, screw 'em.
Right. Exactly. I don’t see that there’s anything to discuss here. This is something he needs to do, and he will do.
Tell him to type his entire speech out ahead of time and to practice it. And if he breaks down sobbing in the middle, to just go with the flow and keep reading. There’s not a single solitary soul out there who will condemn him for it. Actually he’ll probably get a bunch of them crying, too, so he won’t be alone.
That should read, “and my SO will of course not be speaking.”
There’s no shame in breaking down, but that kind of thing NEVER goes well.
Let someone else do it. I don’t know how you tell him at this point, but it’s always some minor variation on this"
They start out all right, start to crack, get it back, then they full-on crack.
Then they act like, “just give me a minute”.
Give it another stab, but they can’t get it together.
Finally, someone else has to come up, and basically lead them away.
I’m not slamming that, but funerals are much more comfortable when it doesn’t happen.
Yes, but I don’t think funerals are supposed to be comfortable. I was taught that the main purpose of a eulogy is specifically to help people break down and cry, and help get the pain out of their systems.
I think that’s the best advice yet.
Go up there with him.
Ivylad and his sisters stood up together and said a few words at his father’s funeral. Their mother, of course, was too overcome to say anything, but I think having all three of them up there together (and me in the front row, smiling at him) helped him get through it.
Well, this is a tough combination. This man is being much harder on himself than he is obligated to. I hope he might be able to realize that the space he has to maneuver around successfully in is much wider than these three statements suggest. So, he may well be able to get through without losing it, and he’d certainly be indulged if he did lose control, and it’s obvious from the start that he was close to his parents and honored them appropriately. He could miss ALL THREE of these things and still have done a perfectly fine and appropriate job of it. I agree that NOBODY could hold ANY of these misses against him.
There is some great advice in this thread, such as write it himself, but have someone else read it, and to remember, if he reads it and breaks down, no one attending the service will think any less, and also having someone up there with him.
I have given my mother’s eulogy and got through it okay, but my trick was to think of it as a writing/speaking exercise (I love to write) and when my mother-in-law died, we the two daughters-in-law both stood there to do a eulogy. When one started crying, the other took over. That worked out fine, too.
No one thinks any less of a speaker for crying at a funeral, ever. So having someone stand with you and take over is a fine idea, so is trying to do it yourself without worry about being judged, and also having someone to do it with you.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with tears, choking up, or having the others at the service in tears either.
However, if anyone feels they cannot speak at a funeral, there is nothing wrong with them, either. It’s a tough, tough thing to do.
Sorry, this is a poorly written post (deep into the Friday night post-work drinkipoo).
Was going to to recommend this, standing by him and maybe squeezing his hand for support. And keeping the (pre-written) speech brief.