This is sort of the opposite situation, but a similar thing to your SO. I was asked a couple of years ago to perform my best friend’s wedding ceremony. I was the one who introduced the couple, and the groom was another good friend of mine. I’m a trial attorney, so I’m trained to be a good public speaker and not let the emotion of the situation get to me.
That having been said, they were writing and reading their own vows, and I was terrified that I would not be able to make it through without crying, and I would be sniffling through the rest of the ceremony trying to get a hold of myself. And it was hard, I’ll admit–I think the only thing that saved me was the fact that both of their written vows were well-punctuated with moments of comic relief. I made it through the ceremony, and then when it was over we went outside and cried like little girls.
He’ll make it through. The auto-pilot of his training will kick in. Once it’s over, he’ll probably fall to pieces for a while. That’s where you come in, of course.
I understand how he feels - I’ve been there myself. I’d advise him not to care what anyone else thinks; if he wants to do the eulogy, then he should. If he doesn’t want to do it, he should feel no pressure. It sounds like this is something he wants to do.
I’d advise him not to worry about breaking down. It may happen, but if it does, it would be because of his emotional connection to what he is saying. That emotional connection is why he’s saying it in the first place.
To your SO, from one who has been there -
Breathe deeply, marshal your thoughts and speak slowly - no one is in a hurry. When you feel your emotions starting to swell, pause, and breathe. If your emotions overtake you, don’t try to repress them; they are too strong. Go with them, express them, articulate through them. You have stories that only you know, that only you can tell, and telling those stories will help everyone in their mourning. Everyone there wants to hear what you have to say and even if they don’t understand why you feel the need to speak, they will understand the strength it takes and they will listen with the utmost respect. You have my respect, and my sympathy. May love and friendship guide you through this difficult time.
And to you, LE - courage. You are a great support to your SO - best wishes to you both.
First off I’m extremely sorry… this is always a tough time.
I second those who say to write it down, and seriously do NOT worry about breaking down. At my grandmothers funeral, my sister gave a speech that she’d written down sobbing the entire time.
My wife’s grandmothers funeral, her Uncle (who had down the Grandfathers funeral just the week before) broke down 1/2 way through… there was a moment of silence, he gathered himself up and went on. His speeches were helped by the fact that, as he put it, “We tend to canonize people in their deaths. But when we leave here today, I want everybody to be aware that we didn’t bury Mother Theresa today we buried my mother- who we all dearly loved- warts and all.” Maybe the best eulogy, we were laughing and crying at the same time. I think it helped him get through it as well.
IN addition to what everybody else said, he might feel better if he divided the speech in two parts: a short introduction and a somewhat longer second part, if he feels more needs to be said.
He can deliver the short part, and if he feels up to it, continue while you or some other familymember stands near him. And if he really breaks down and can’t continue (which I agree with everybody else is nothing to be ashamed about) his supportive person can take over.
I also think this is the best advice. In fact, a good friend of mine was in exactly the same position as your SO, losing both parents in the same sort of way as the OP explained in her other thread.
He wrote out a very heartfelt piece, on behalf of all his family, and knew that he would not be able to get through it - and like your SO, he was very experienced in public speaking (a trial lawyer with years of experience in the courts).
The pastor read the piece and it was very moving - and everyone thought that our friend had honoured his parents in a marvellous way.
And I’m afraid I disagree with those who say that writing it out and practising it will get him through it - I had to give the eulogy for a friend who died, and I wrote it out, rehearsed it over the course of a few days, took the notes up with me and tried to read it out - and still had a great deal of difficulty getting through it. And I’m also experienced in public speaking, being a lawyer. Professional training and practising can only get you through so far - emotions can wipe all of that out in a moment, if you suddenly get hit by a memory, or see a parent in the front row mourning their dead child.
I’d strongly recommend that he rely on someone else to actually read the eulogy.
YMMV, obviously, but I think there’s a distinction between the people in the audience doing that, and an emotional melt-down by the person giving the eulogy.
I’ve been to too many funerals where I can’t remember what was said about the deceased because the person giving it was so emotional that people were just sitting there, willing it to be over soon, as they watched an emotional melt-down. In my opinion, the eulogy is supposed to be about the deceased, not about the person giving the eulogy. But if the person giving the eulogy melts down, the deceased is no longer the focus - it’s all on the person giving the eulogy. That’s why in some churches, the tradition is that it’s the priest or pastor who does the eulogy, not a family member.
So, depends on what the traditions are in Licentious Ectomorph’s SO’s family. But it sounds like he’s concerned about an emotional break-down, which doesn’t sound like that’s part of his family’s traditions.
Good point. We’ve all been telling him not to worry, but it could be that in his family/culture/whatever it is something to be concerned about.
This is one of the best advice threads ever. The vast majority of these ideas are really great. I hope that Licentious Ectomorph will come back at some point and let us know how it’s going.
I’m a fairly emotional guy when it comes to stuff like this; I also have a great speaking voice and style, so I’m asked to read a lot of tributes and so on. And because we live in a small town, I know a lot of the people being honored. Recently, I read a tribute to a young woman whom I’d watch play basketball for the local junior college several years ago. But I got through it, and here’s how:
I go out to my shop by myself and I read whatever it is I’m supposed to read, and I deliver it out loud. That’s when I find the rough spots. And there will be groups of words that will hit you hard. I stumble through the whole thing, taking time out now and again to think about why certain word groups hit me harder than others, and just work through them. then I go back and do it again and again and again. When I’m able to get through it without choking up, I’m ready.
Of course, the actually “delivery day” will be different – there will be people there, a lot of emotion, you’ll have teared up with your SO already, probably a couple of times. Take a sip of water and a deep breath and wade in. I think it will go better than you expect.
You could ask someone else to do it; there is no shame in that.
I have never delivered a eulogy; however, at my wife’s mother’s funeral, she asked me to do a reading from the New Testament. I found that practicing reading aloud (like 10 or 20 times) helped me keep it togther during the service. The first 5 times I practiced alone, I was having trouble, but after about the 15th time, I could get through it without my throat tightening up.
You have to actually read aloud - I suspect that this would not work if you just read to yourself.
Like Pharmboy says
Have him practices it, say to you, and he may be able to ‘get it out of his system’ so to speak. Cry it out in private and maybe in public, he’ll be OK.
I’m still around. My SO and I appreciate all the good advice and good wishes. He’s holding it together so far, other than some bursts of anger. The memorial is tomorrow; I’ll let you know how it went.
Simple solution: Have him WRITE the eulogy, but have someone else read it - someone not as likely to break down.
My sister did this at my Father’s funeral. None of us thought badly about it. I know I could never have even read the eulogy without completely losing it.
My wonderful mother had incurable cancer and chose to go into a hospice. While she was there, she asked me to give her euology.
I’m a teacher, but even so I wasn’t looking forward to it.
I wrote a speech and learnt it by heart (with regular crying).
Then I gave a copy of the speech to the preacher and asked her to continue if I broke down.
On the day, my sister squeezed my hand just before I got up to speak. I reached the pulpit, turned round and immediately felt a huge warmth from family and friends.
I got through the whole thing and felt hugely relieved that I had done it. It’s what my Mum wanted.
My dearest Dad died a few weeks later, and I gave the eulogy there too. It was still hard to do (for slightly different reasons), but again I got support from the mourners and felt relieved.
My elderly Uncle, who had been close to my Dad all their lives originally didn’t want to speak. I told him that was perfectly all right.
Then just before the service ended, my Uncle whispered that he wanted to say a few words. I signalled the preacher, who smoothly said there would be one final speaker.
My Uncle obviously hadn’t prepared anything, but said some lovely things. And I’m sure he too feels better for having done that.
Others have commented on 2) and 3) fairly extensively, so to number 1) I will say, as someone who just buried his dad a month ago, who cares what other people expect? The funeral is about honoring and celebrating the lives of the people who have died. It’s not about living up to the expectations of the other attendees. If there is a soul there who is going to think less of your SO because he loses emotional control while putting the two people who gave him life in the ground forever, then they are unworthy of your or his consideration. Of all the times during someone’s life not to dare to judge him for having a meltdown, a double funeral for one’s parents certainly ought to be that time.
I second, third, twenty-sixth, whatever, the idea of his writing down what he wants to say and the idea of your standing there with him if he insists on reading it himself. Should he be unable to continue, you are there to take over for him.
He got through it like a champ. When he got up there, I could see him channeling his inner Public Speaker – a change came over him that was visible to me if not everyone else. Though he read from a script, it wasn’t totally detached; it was just the right amount of pathos and emotion, and he paused a few times to fortify himself. The tears didn’t really come until the end, when he read from The Velveteen Rabbit, one of his mother’s favorite books.
Thanks again to everyone for your advice and kind words.