[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder]
I need some pre-emptive damage control:
Last night the police discovered me at a public park outside Chicago with a dead pig in a burlap sack, 700 bottle rockets, a drum of vegetable oil and an undocumented Swede.
…
[/QUOTE]
Lendervedder Chides Harrassment o CEO by Authorities While Attempting to Celebrate Local History
The Lendervedder Group, one of the Chicago area’s more respected organizations, is well known for its celebrations of our fair metropolis’ cultural roots. This stems from a pride instilled in us by our founder, Happy Lendervedder, who, even in his youth, wanted the world to recall what makes Chicago special. We can never forget the fabled night in college, when, sacrificing architecture for historical appreciation, he destroyed 2/3 of his freshman dorm in miraculous fashion (the only debris inspectors found was a butane lighter, some seared undershorts and several empty containers of Mexican food) in what he later claimed to authorities was an attempt to commemorate the great Chicago Fire.
Recently, anticipating the 142nd anniversary of the beginning of construction of the Union Stock Yards of Chicago, this same local son, our founder, was attempting to construct a fitting memorial when once again, he ran afoul of local law enforcement. Having secured a mass of unprocessed pork meat and a container of oil, with which he intended to create what he described as “an awesome simulation of how valuable by-products can be rendered from animal sources”, he and his companion, one Svenska Gunnarson, who is rumoured to be a grandneice thrice removed of Timothy Blackstone, the Stock Yards’ first president, made their way to a potential commemorative site with sufficient fireworks to properly celebrate the meaning of this former landmark.
The Union Stockyards first opened in 1865, after some six months of construction, and for the next century, was one of the most important meat processing areas of the world. Visited by cultural luminaries such as Rudyard Kipling and Sarah Bernahrdt, immortalized in the poetry of Carl Sandburg and the fiction of Upton Sinclair, the Stock Yards, ending over ten decades of service in 1971, was declared a Chicago Landmark in 1972, and a National Landmark in 1981. It is a crucial part of what, in the opinion of the Lendervedder Group, makes Chicago great.
During his attempt to pay proper homage to this vital part of our fair city’s past, however, Mr. Lendervedder was detained briefly by police. While we applaud the vigilance of our men in blue during these troubled times for our nation, we must nevertheless express publicly our condemnation of their suspicion of a local hero whose deep affection for our municipality has been proven to be beyond reproach.
It is our deep desire that such an error not occur again, and will welcome an apology from local government for very nearly besmirching the reputation of this individual.
