You know, talking recently with the female half of a married couple in whose store I buy my “posh” clothes, she said that when her husband asks her why doesn’t she wear makeup or let her hair long, she asks why doesn’t he (his hair is perfectly healthy, he could let it grow). For some reason that ends the conversation real fast!
I’d say, stop being shallow. If she is a great person that you are attracted to then you need to get over it. This idea that every woman needs to wear makeup is ridiculous.
Thinking somebody would look a hell of a lot better if they just changed one thing about their appearance is not shallow, it’s a normal thought. Now, basing the relationship on that one thing would be shallow, but I don’t see anything in the OP indicating that he is making this the crux of his feelings towards her.
Maybe this is hijack territory, but IMO liking somebody because of their looks or having a desire for somebody to look better is not shallow. It can become shallow based on how one goes from there, but at the root it’s normal and healthy to desire beauty.
Yeah, it’s possible that it’s not a big deal to her either way. Not likely, IME, but anything’s possible. For me, part of the reason I don’t wear makeup is that I’m weeding out the guys who would care as much as the OP. So if the OP had met her in the supermarket, that’s one thing–no way to tell how she feels about makeup. But the fact that he met her at a singles event puts a whole 'nother spin on it, coupled with the fact that it’s a big enough deal to him that he’d post here about it being a “wrench.”
But that’s why I think he needs to bring up the topic sooner rather than later. Because I think odds are in favor of this being a deal breaker for her too that he cares so much that it’s nagging at him this way. And I’m not sure if I’d pick up on makeup being a deal breaker if a guy kept pursuing me. So if it came up sooner rather than later, I’d probably roll my eyes, look at him like he’s a martian, and move on. But if he let it go on for very long, I’d feel very angry and betrayed that he was leading me on when he, in fact, didn’t actually like me for who I am. It would put him into ‘super scum bucket’ category if I learned three months later that he wanted me to wear makeup because he found me unattractive without it.
As I said, for a lot of women, makeup is intrinsic to identity. It’s this huge thing back in junior high–or at least it was in my school. Friendships between girls were won and lost over it. Of course you grow up, and accept that different women approach it differently, and to each her own. But it took a lot of courage to buck the peer pressure in junior high and not wear it. So if a guy led me on and then asked me to wear it, I’d see him as shallow and I probably couldn’t get past it.
Better for the OP and the woman to know if this is a problem sooner rather than later. And really, if he chooses to go out with her again, maybe the best way to approach it is to ask her how she feels about makeup, rather than suggesting that she wear it. You never know–he might find the answer so attractive he’ll be glad she doesn’t wear it. 
Well, spots or blemishes or scars/moles are NOT her problem. It’s more she looked really tired that night, like she hadn’t slept in a while, and had some bags under her eyes. Her face is not repulsive, but also not magnetic, ie you don’t find yourself drawn to it (to me at least). She wasn’t born with really striking features like large eyes or cheekbones or full lips. Just plain plain plain.
Thanks for everyone’s input. I plan on seeing her more and see if the situation improves.
The thought is normal sure. But the OP asked “how can I broach this subject with her?” That’s not just a thought, that’s an intention to confront her with her lack of makeup wearing. That is what I think is shallow.
OK, now see, that’s just sad. You don’t find her attractive. Why lead her on? I feel bad for this woman, to be honest. I’d prefer the guys who find me plain to pass me by.
Then again, odds are a woman who went to a singles event without makeup will be able to hold her own against the deception. Frustrating, to be sure, but I have no doubt she’ll move on when the time comes. And who knows? Maybe she reads the Dope and already has her heads-up.
You know, OP, you yourself might look better if you emphasized your eyes with a little eyeliner and mascara - it could really bring out your eyes. And a little blush on your cheekbones, maybe a little lip liner to fill out those perhaps slightly-too-thin lips. Fuller lips are sexy! A nice layer of foundation would diminish any five o’clock shadow that might detract from your natural good looks.
Men don’t seem to want to use any makeup to enhance their own looks for their dates. Why wouldn’t you want to look the very best you can? Why not put your best face forward for her and for all of us who may have to look at you?
Do you see where I’m going here, Sweetie? How could you possibly expect her to do something for you (use cosmetics to be better looking) that you would not begin to consider doing for her (ditto)? Be fair. And for goodness sake, stop being so shallow.
No. I don’t intend to lead her on. What I meant was if this continues to remain an issue with me, then I’ll go ahead and end it. I think I just need to spend just a little more time with her, get to know her better. Maybe her other qualities will compensate.
deanc2000, do you expect your woman to wear makeup 24/7? What about in the morning? Should she wake up before you to “put her face on?”
Please don’t go out with her again. If you don’t find her face attractive, then you don’t find her face attractive… don’t waste this woman’s time. I would never want to waste one moment dating a guy who was so hung up on such superficial things.
Women growing up in the 50s and 60s (like my mom’s generation) grew up in a time where all women wore makeup and never left the house without it. Even today, my mom wastes time putting on makeup every day, even if she’s not leaving the house.
Younger generations didn’t had this pressure… they don’t have to make up their faces every day. Your notion that women with “plain” faces need to wear makeup to be attractive is antiquated and even misogynist.
I mean, let’s see your face - are you “all that?” Is your face drop dead gorgeous? Maybe you need some makeup!
What’s next - expecting your woman to get Botox or a facelift?
Get real, dude.
[sarcasm] deanc2000, the thing to remember here is that you are a shallow and horrible man. Don’t ever forget that! Play your cards right and I’m sure the vast majority of dopers won’t either. [/sarcasm]
In other words, I think y’all need to lighten up. Unless this is a burning issue for him, thoughts like this come up all the time. Wondering how he could possibly broach the subject does not a shallow man make. Yes, broaching it is the wrong thing to do, but can’t a man ask questions without being judged? Geez, now I’m the one overreacting :smack:
Would you mind if I ask you a personal question? On a scale of 1 to 10, how good looking would you say you were? The reason I ask is I’ve encountered a lot of average (not bad, but average) looking guys who think they should be dating above-average looking women.
I’m a little on the plain side myself and I also don’t wear makeup much. I don’t for a couple of reasons. First, I recently learned I have a skin condition which can be aggravated by wearing it. I don’t know how unsightly it is; I do know that when it flares up, it makes me feel like I’ve washed my face with acid. That can put a person off wearing makeup.
Second, as others have noted, wearing make up is another bit of time and expense. Even if you use the cheaper brands, I figure each component of a woman’s makeup, foundation, blush, lipstick, eye shadow, etc. tends to cost about $5.00 USD each. You can easily spend several times that amount. My relatively simple routine for putting on makeup takes about 15 minutes, and lipstick tends not to last all day or all evening.
Here’s something else to consider. You said she had curves in all the right places and a figure like Beyonce’s. Unfortunately, a lot of women get the impression that a figure like that is unacceptably fat and may consider themselves unattractive because of that. If you don’t like your body, you may actually put less effort into your face because you figure no one’s gong to be attracted to you for your looks alone or you may not be interested in men who are only or mostly going to like you for your looks.
One last thing. You said she looked tired. It could be because she actually was tired, but went out because she’d promised herself a fun night out where she could meet someone and enjoy his company. Going to the singles night she met you at could be her reward to herself for surviving a stressful week or it could be something she promised her friends she’d do, even though she didn’t really feel like going.
Look, you liked her figure and her personality. I’m sorry her appearance wasn’t up to your standards, and I’m even more sorry you’d even consider it a reason to write her off. Even Julia Roberts and Beyonce have off nights, you know. On the other hand, be careful. For all you know, she might be elsewhere on the internet even as we speak posting about this guy she met on Friday night who was great except he had a tattoo or didn’t have a moustache or looked a little rumpled. Are you sure you made a perfect impression on her?
Very often men are accused of being shallow, and rightly so. Well, here’s a guy trying to look past the book’s cover.
@legalsnugs: Both sexes have their pre-game. Men choose their clothing, groom their hair and facial hair if they have any, all that.
I’ve seen young guys wear nail polish, and I hear that metrosexual primping can rival a woman’s. If that’s the kind of guy you like, go for it.
OK, thanks for clarifying. You never know–some folks become beautiful when you get to know them, and you forget you ever felt otherwise. Just please be nice and bow out gracefully sooner rather than later if that’s not the case. 
It’s possible you’re simply nervous and are looking for the monkeywrench too hard, fearing that there must be one in there somewhere. I once liked a guy who was allergic to dogs, and got all worried about that fact before we’d ever had a date. Lots of wise people in my life told me to stop overanalyzing, and they were exactly right.
Well, maybe that is the best way to go from here. Just not go out with her again. That’s what you would do, realistically? You wouldn’t give her just one more chance? I mean everything else about her was great on that first occasion. So you would just walk away.
Well, I’ll take that into consideration.
I think you should just send this paragraph to her, to let her know how you feel. At least then she’ll know what you’re all about from the beginning.
It sounds like those two thing might be mutually exclusive, from her point of view.
When i saw the thread title, i thought the OP was going to be expressing pleasure at having found a woman who doesn’t put on makeup. That would have been refreshing.
I think some of us are reacting the way we are is we are the nice, slightly plain types who don’t always wear makeup and are aware that there are guys who won’t date us because of it. Aren’t you the guy who was lamenting that nice, ordinary guys don’t get dates recently? How do you think us nice, ordinary girls feel when we read something like this?
He wasn’t reading that way to me–but if you catch our most recent exchange, I’m sure you’ll see that’s been cleared up.
There are plenty of shallow women too, so it’s an equal-opportunity wading pool out there. Just sayin’ so there’s no confusion on that point.
Yes, I was. How does it make you feel? Probably angry and bitter, resulting in sounding defensive and shrill. Just like I was told I sounded in the early parts of my thread.
Anyway, I don’t have a quarrel with you, I just feel that dean is having assumptions made of him that go beyond the OP and into the projections of others, probably mine included.
Women who wear no make up at all, especially to “singles nights”, are not the norm in this country. I don’t think it’s freakish, either, but still a little unusual.
Me, I don’t wear makeup because of extremely sensitive skin and allergy issues. My “make up” shelf at home is composed entirely of medicinal creams, ointments and unguents. There are at least two threads on this message board detailing some of the truly horrific things my skin can do when provoked.
Other women do not wear make up for other reasons.
The only way to ask the question - and even then I suggest you hesitate and consider your timing - would be along the lines of “I notice you wear much less make up than other women I know”. It is non-judgmental, being an observation, and if she feels like sharing it gives her an opportunity. However, she may not feel like sharing.