First off, yes, I know I am depressed. I’m under treatment for it.
Five days a week, all I do is go to work, go home, watch TV, sleep, wake up, go to work.
And on the weekends?
I lay down and watch TV. And sleep. That’s all for two days. Then Monday dawns, and I go back to work.
But somehow, my mindset is different from my usual depression. I mean, I don’t ruminate over how my life sucks. I don’t have crying spells. I don’t feel worthless. I don’t want to kill myself, or think about killing myself. Yes, I want to go on living. I’m not even sad at all. I’m not happy, but I’m not sad.
I just don’t want to do anything but lay down and watch TV, and sleep. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to cook or clean. I don’t want to do anything really.
But if this is depression, and I think it is, why don’t I feel bad about myself?
Some people catch a cold, they spend a few days in bed with a runny nose, and then they get better. Other people catch a cold…and it kills them. In both cases, it was a little spiky virus of the cold family that did it. It could even be the exact same variant, but one of the victims was more susceptible and weaker to the disease’s effects.
Maybe there’s some different underlying cause behind “feeling like you want to kill yourself” and “just wanting to watch TV all the time”. But it’s probably the same deal, just different outcomes because you were more resistant to it this time, than previously.
I think it’s very possible that there are levels of clinical depression. Perhaps your current treatment has lifted you from a very deep level (suicide ideation, hating yourself, crying) to a higher, more functional level, but that is still not “normal” non-depressed behavior.
Have you discussed these things with the person treating you for depression?
You’re still depressed. Not nearly as dangerously over-the-top depressed as you once were. But you’re still depressed compared to so-called normalcy.
At least assuming you’re eating enough and don’t have some medical condition, e.g. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, that itself results in lethargy.
Moving forward from where you are to where you know you want to go is not my area of expertise by any stretch. But you probably need more and better help than you have been getting. We can encourage you from out in the aether. But that’s small beer compared to what real help might be able to do for you.
For me, that’s how depression manifests itself mostly. Just no motivation to get anything done; inability to get anything started; and just general lethargy. And I don’t feel bad about myself, and I don’t feel suicidal or anything like that. I just feel like sleeping the day away. And then, eventually, hopefully, it just shakes. Or I force myself to do something and that sometimes helps chase it away. (Plus I do take medication.)
That sounds like low-level depression. My only suggestion is to force yourself to take a walk every single day. It doesn’t have to be terribly far. But take that walk to get the blood moving in your system. I do find that even a small level of exercise helps me to connect with the world a bit and I’m sure it doesn’t hurt my health.
Even healthy people need time to decompress, relax, or otherwise do nothing. So, sleeping and watching tv by themselves are not problems nor indicators of depression. But since you know you’re depressed and your current behavior bothers you, it is a problem.
You might try other ways of doing nothing. Read a slushy novel, do a jigsaw puzzle, sit on your porch, take a walk around the block, etc. None of those will cure depression, but a change of pace won’t harm you either.
Are you actually in the type of depression where you just don’t feel much of anything? Because it’s not necessarily better than the type where you feel awful.
I second the recommendation to seek out a therapist, if that’s helped you in the past. And, you need to talk to your doctor about either upping or changing your meds, because they are not effective enough.
If you are taking one of the more conventional antidepressants, your doctor may be able to add one of the type that is known to help “activate” people whose depression is causing symptoms like yours.
