Captain_Amazing:
We know she’s a girl because we can see her picture, and we don’t need to know her entire summer itinerary. How about:
“Hi. My name is Andi! Today I’m going fishing at the lake with my dad.”
I agree with this. I would say perhaps “My mom takes our picture, catfish and all!” You’re going to have lots of pictures, so we can see Andi holding her pole.devilsknew ’s comment, I think this can be resolved by the pictures. She’ll be talking about the fish with funny attributes, and the pictures will show that and also can show Andi and her dad fishing. I’m thinking about a perspective kind of like this or this . You see how we can see both the people in the boat and the fish. You can show both Andi and her dad, and the funny fish she is imagining.
Captain_Amazing:
I don’t know if your first three lines fit well with the rest of the story, especially the first line. It’s a lot longer than the rest of the lines, and seems kind of wordy and slow.
“Hi. My name is Andi, Andi with an “i” my mom likes to say because I’m a girl, and I have been very busy tagging along with my dad this summer. Today we are going to the lake to go fishing.”
We know she’s a girl because we can see her picture, and we don’t need to know her entire summer itinerary. How about:
“Hi. My name is Andi! Today I’m going fishing at the lake with my dad.”
Also, in the last line:
"Holding my pole, I proudly smile and dad takes my picture, catfish and all. "
That present perfect participle (“Holding my pole”), I wouldn’t use it for books for that age range. It’s not the way kids that age speak, and I think for most kids that age, that form is too advanced to throw in there, especially when you’ve been pretty constant in your tenses up to that point.
Thank you so much. No matter how hard one looks, they can never seem to find their own errors in writing. This is great advice!
devilsknew:
To be constructive, by that I mean, it lacks focus. It seems like you want to write a cat book, but incidentally want to make a fishing book. It’s sorta cutesy, but pedestrian and misguided.
Thank you, it is mostly about what a catfish will look like, but to get to that point, she had to go fishing first.
Sigmagirl:
I agree with this. I would say perhaps “My mom takes our picture, catfish and all!” You’re going to have lots of pictures, so we can see Andi holding her pole.devilsknew ’s comment, I think this can be resolved by the pictures. She’ll be talking about the fish with funny attributes, and the pictures will show that and also can show Andi and her dad fishing. I’m thinking about a perspective kind of like this or this . You see how we can see both the people in the boat and the fish. You can show both Andi and her dad, and the funny fish she is imagining.
Thank you for some more great advice! I will revise when I have time and post again shortly after. Thanks again!
