Yuck- I hate that crap. My aunt actually told my grandpa, her own father and a man I respected more than just about anyone else, that she was going to Heaven and she was so sorry that she wouldn’t see him there. 
His crime? He was living with a woman out of wedlock. At age 80. :rolleyes:
Fuck her and her bullshit. If he didn’t want to pay rent on two places when he was only sleeping at one, more power to him! 
Good job, girl. Stick to your guns and you’ll be much better off.
Glad that works for you. In my case, you might have missed how she makes me feel when giving me this “help” and the brutally nasty shit that comes out of her mouth out of the clear blue sky.
For 20 or so years my wife tried every thing we could think of to have some sort of relationship with her father. For the last 2-3 years we have had absolutely nothing to do with him. No communications, no visits or phone calls, nothing. There is no question but that she (and I) are the happiest with the present relationship than we were with any of the alternatives.
You can pursue whatever relations you wish with his kids. And I think a desire to do so is laudable and healthy. But don’t be too surprised or hurt should they not be terribly interested - at least for now. Nothing wrong with birthday/graduation/x-mas cards just to acknowledge the relationship and keep alive the possibility of more in the future.
Re: your son - I forget how old he is, but when our kids were quite young - under 10 - we were completely honest about everything FIL did to their mom, and told them they were free to have whatever relations they wished with him. I guess I shouldn’t have been at all surprised with their reaction, but they had no interest in a relation with someone who had been so mean to their mom. Further, kids are quite astute. And if a family member is an asshole, I find they are more comfortable acknowledging them as such, rather than maintaining some facade of “family.”
Opal, I gotta say that this is so very sad for your Dad, because he is just blind to a wonderfully creative, accomplished daughter. Sad to me that he can’t see that. Has he ever seen your web virtuousity, or, at least, artwork? Does he see the “product” of your good mind?
And,maybe, with his religious fervent blinders, your style just wouldn’t mesh with his world. So, ya gotta let it go. You’ve worked really hard to get to where you are, and dont need him kicking you way lower than the fair belt: any abusive parent is doing that, because the punches repercuss at a very deep level. I’ve got an abusive Mom, who is sadly captive on her negativity train, so, had to cut off for a good while.
One mental exercise that I’ve learned to deal with it, is, when all the negativity cyclones in your brainpan (no child should ever be subject to a parent telling them they suck), is to get right pissed off with it, then have some compassion, and realize that poor Mom or Dad is in a sad state(how the fuck did they get there???), and really mentally wish them best luck and love. Yeah, it’s hard, but, I find it does ease off on the angst. It’s the best you can do.
And, your step-siblings will grow out and on into the world. They have a fantastic Big Sister to catch them, in ways not seen now.
I’m sorry you have had to go through all that shit with your dad, but you’re on your way to freedom now and are going to have a better life from now on out.
[hugs you]
Why do you feel the need to make a declaration of ending the relationship. Just quit responding to him. The way to quit dealing with someone is to quit dealing. To make a declaration and make it known opens up new problems. Just say fuck that ,I am not playing anymore. An official announcement is not needed.
I know what you’re saying gonzo, but for some people it is a big help to declare it. Opal’s probably had this thought a dozen times before. I can see the value in not playing a card that doesn’t need to be played, but I also see the point of saying it out loud, sort of burning that bridge in case she’s ever tempted to try crossing it again. It’s a promise to herself, I’m guessing.
I felt a need to say it. I needed to do so for me. It may not be right for everyone, but it is what I needed to do to get the closure I need.
Opal, you don’t need to be told (again) you are a talented artist, I have seen the vision and creative aspect of your work enough to know that you have a deep talent.
I have also seen your posts here. You manage to blend compasion, wit and insight into the human condition into nearly every word you post.
Its your father’s loss that he can not see, understand or appreciate your real value!
As to the rest of the whole famn dambly, do continue to communicate with them, make each correspondance personal, and pay no concern to the fact that your father may know or react to your expressions of love and interest. That’s his problem, not your’s.
My step father thought I was a greasy, no account long haired peace nick academic (he would say “academic” like Fred Phelps says “Fag”) until my efforts put me in charge of a small war museum. I turned that museum from a place that had an annual visitation of less than 1500 to a major centre for reference and interpretation of Alberta’s “prairie boys” and the units they belonged to. When I left it was being visited by that many people a month. In his final years, I was his favoirite son, and in his last days, requested that I speak at his funeral.
Go ahead and shut him out… but don’t lock the door completely… make it so that you can open it… if he ever learns how to knock nicely. (Note: this may sound like I am telling you what to do… I am just saying that you should give him a chance to change… if he doesn’t… not your worry)…
regards and all good feelings
FML
Shortview Schadenfreude. Good for you in instant catharsis, but longview damage.
All people are toxic, if you live in a “toxic world”. You throw up the walls and suddenly you are entombed on all sides. Don’t lose your people.
Think of it as an antiweeding, or as how many people need to see the body buried before it sinks in that the person is dead. Same as the marriage isn’t made by the wedding, but the wedding announces it to the community, the breakup isn’t made by the declaration but the declaration (which doesn’t have to be in the form of sending an email to everybody in Opal’s addressbook) is a turning point, a mental gate.
That line from my cousin was definitely intended as lighthearted, sorry, we’re the kind of family where tongue-in-cheek and deadpan are such common forms of communication that I forget it’s not so for everybody. Opal doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who’d go to her not-stranged relatives bemoaning “I can’t talk to him any more, so you shouldn’t either!” - she’s a much better woman than that.
[Aside]
No, Chimera, I didn’t. My point was that certain personal traits aren’t enough to make someone a toxic force.
Your domineering sister is a toxic force; mine isn’t. The most difficult person in my life is a sweet little co-worker who cheerfully takes everyone else’s word as law; and then complains to the Boss about everyone else. A very likeable person, who gets people fired or drives them into quitting.
I’ll take a ball-busting bitch over a manipulative martyr, thank you.
[/Aside]
Toxicity comes in many forms. It’s all about what makes you uncomfortable. Some people are more hurt by indifference than they are about verbal abuse. Some people just can’t take the constant tension in the air. Some can’t deal with the unpredictability. We’re all built differently.
I find it very sad that so many people have such intolerable situations that they feel the need to cut family members out of their lives. However, if these people are causing you such discomfort that you feel there’s no other way to find peace in your life, then you need to do what you need to do. We all have to make our way through life. There’s no rule that says you have to subject yourself to crap from people who are supposed to love you.
Yeah, and the other person doesn’t ever take the hint. Maybe something like:
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal at 16: Um, right
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal at 19: You know, not everybody believes as you do.
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal at 23: Oh, geez, whatever.
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal at 28: Dad, this never gets us anywhere.
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal at 30: You really need to drop this now.
Opal’s Dad: The Lord will smite you!
Opal today: (See OP)
Season to taste with yelling, crying, pounding a shoe on the table, etc.
Family: a group of people, some of whom, if they weren’t related by blood, you would have kicked to the curb a long time ago.
It is most sad when a person allows himself to get so wrapped up in religious belief that they would treat their own child with such contempt that the relationship is trashed. I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
“What I believe, and the state of my immortal soul is purely a matter between God and myself. Thank you for your concern; now fuck off.” Living in a county of 10k people where you can count the nonfundamentalists on 2 hands, I use this line a lot.
Although they have (thankfully) changed a bit, my brother and his wife shunned me when I separated from my husband in 1994.
The really sad thing is I never noticed. The way they acted toward me wasn’t visibly different to me and it took my mother telling me about it for me to even know it happened. Years later, when my brother apologized, I told him just that.
Chimera: Maybe The Lord smote Opal’s Dad on the head one too many times.