Okay, my second cousin Susan came over to visit a while back with her mom, Sherry (my mother’s first cousin, hence Susan’s relationship to me). By the end of the visit, I was ripping my hair out. Susan’s twenty, and I’m sixteen, but I swear I feel ages older than her. You couldn’t get this girl to talk about anything. Anything at all!
I tried for hours, searching around for a subject that would get her all fired up. “Who’s your favorite singer?” I asked, and got “Janet Jackson” for a reply. “What’s your favorite song she’s done?” This time I got a grunt.
“Hobbies?” Doesn’t have any.
“Movies?” Doesn’t watch 'em.
“Computers?” Won’t touch the things.
“Boyfriends?” Ain’t got one.
“Girlfriends?” Doesn’t have one of those, either.
I realize she’s not a trained monkey sent her to amuse me, but it would’ve been pleasant had she attempted some sort of communication. Especially since she followed me about like a puppy the entire time. I mean, if you’re not going to be cival to someone, at least leave them alone. I’m trying to be friendly here, considering she does share 1/16th of my genetic material (or something like that) but it doesn’t seem to be working.
Maybe she’s depressed. Clinically depressed. Not your job to fix that, if she is. Be polite, treat her the way you’d like to be treated, and go on with your life.
Why? Why are we “supposed to love or realitives”? if they are a bunch of dickweeds, i say “screw em’!”. Remember, you can pick your nose, but not your realitives.
2nd cousin? what the hell is that? if i had one, i couldn’t pick him out of a lineup of 2! i barely recognize my brothers! my nephew is about as far removed a realitive as i can think of, and i have seen him 2 times in 20 years!
sure, i love my realitives, but MY FAMILY is my wife and kid.
Actually, Susan is my half-second cousin. We share one great-grandfather; our maternal grandfathers were half-brothers. We have two different great-grandmothers. We’re in fact so distantly related that we could get married in this state, were we both not female.
Relatives can be boring, just like other people. If you can’t connect, don’t worry about.
At your age, we’re told that we are supposed to love them, but it really means, “Well Susan’s mom and I got along real good when we were 14, so you should find her daughter interesting.” Or that your folks are visiting with the other adults and want you out of their hair.
Feh.
If you can’t get something interesting going, so be it. Wander off, read a book, play with the dog. If your folk harsh on you for not “being sociable”, tell them how you tried or just shrug it off.
But you may have to deal with these people for the rest of your life. Be nice, be pleasent, try to talk about anything they want. But if they are boring, well, smile and go do something else or talk to someone else.
Can I just tell you about my cousin? The one who I always wind up having to entertain because we’re the only girls? (OK, I’m now talking as if we’re still 13 and 14.) The one who follows me around, never contributing, being disdainful of everything, but who I can’t just leave?
I tell you, trying to be polite and have a conversation with her is like wading through a bog. Thank goodness I hardly ever see her.
Well, Nichol, the bad news is that it doesn’t get any better as you get older. But I got a little warm spot in my heart reading your post because there’s someone very similar in my family.
Said close relative [she married into the family] rarely talks in the presence of my husband and myself. She’s not snobbish, per se, just very, very, quiet/shy, although it does get a tad annoying because after awhile it comes off as impolite. When we visit, there is never a “Come on in, have a seat”; “can I get you anything to drink?” sort of thing [note: these are planned occasions, not just that we show up on their doorstep]. In fact, usually she goes and hides in the kitchen for the duration of the visit.
For the most part I don’t take it personally, but yet, after so much of that, I kind of do.
This isn’t a matter of her being pissed off at us for something or other, because, for the nine years we’ve known her, we really seldom see the family, maybe four or five times a year.
Bottom line is her shyness makes her, well, not a very likeable person, and I have a tough time dealing with that in my head.
Well, there’s my rant… I’m open to Dopers suggestions on, not necessarily breaking the ice (I don’t think that will ever happen), but handling the whole situation gracefully.
Go right ahead, genie dear. You’re welcome to rant about your bratty cousin. Though I must confess that all my first cousins are males, and they’re all pretty cool, so we do fun things like fishing and riding motorcycles (and one cousin, Spencer, is always trying to get me under the mistletoe come Christmas time, but that’s another story).
drpepper, I know just how you feel. I got the best reaction out of Susan when we went up to my bedroom and turned on the radio. We just laid on the bed in silence and listened to the music. I then took her on a ride on my four-wheeler and we did some girly shrieking whenever we hit a bump. Who knows, she’s gone from silence to shrieking…I must be doing something right!
Things change when you get older, Nichol_storm. There are certain relatives of mine that I would have happily gutted with a rusty box-cutter when I was sixteen. Now, twenty short years later, they’re the only ones in my immediate family I can stand. So don’t make any lasting judgments.
Drpepper, as a horribly shy person myself, I can tell you, it’s no fun for her either I am the kind of person who can’t bear to say two words to people and would rather hide in another room, it is horrible. And then you have people thinking you are a horrible person on top of that and taking offence. It is not nice. If you think you feel bad, think how she feels. (As a shy person I have found there are certain people I just do not feel at ease with for no apparant reason, it really isn’t anything personal,) I would say “have you really done anything to try to make her feel at ease?” but I suspect that you have with no success, painfully shy people are hard I know! (eee! everyone in the room is looking at me! run! run!)
Try to be a bit more understanding okay? I just feel for her a bit you know. What a very shy person feels is fear, very fundemental real heart-juddering fear. Fear of being judged harshly, of looking stupid. Try to be extra-understanding and maybe, just maybe you might get her to open up. You have to reassure a shy person that you are not going to laugh at them or think badly of them, us shy people get very worried about that.
I hope you can get through to her! I. as Queen of the Shy People am rooting for you all. Good luck!
(and this is also true of Nichol_Storm’s cousin of course, forgive the slight hijack!)
I am not a doctor (and in fact the only information I have about anxiety disorders is what I’ve seen in commercials hawking meds for it plus some info. from the web) but it sounds like Infectious Lass and drpepper’s relative may be suffering from some kind of social anxiety disorder. Maybe some kind of meds could help (of course the meds would be preceded by a visit to a real doctor).
Hopefully Qadgop will come back in here and either back me up or lay some serious smack down on me for giving out quack advice.
You’re supposed to love your relatives…
but it’s not a law. More a recommendation. And if you chose to, you can even dislike them, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it!
Your cousin sounds a bit like my mother’s best friend’s daughter. Growing up, we lived in the same street and she was exactly my age (well, she was one day younger) so everyone figured we’d be best friends. Problem was that girl was seriously disturbed. Sometimes you couldn’t get a word out of her (Me: "How are you?? Her: “Fine”. Me: “That’s great! What have you been doing with yourself?” Her: “Nothing”. Me: “I see… so, what’s your favourite song?” Her: “Dunno” xhours), while other times you couldn’t shut her up (“Didyouseemynewlipstick?Ithinkit’sgreatsuchanicecolourdon’tyouagree?IwentshoppingtheotherdayandIhadfundon’tyoujustloveshopping?HaveyouevermetmyfriendSophie?She’sreallyniceandIthinkyou’dlikeher”). Please, someone, teach me to communicate with someone who asks you 15 questions without pausing for breath, and then stops and waits for you to say something!
I agree. I’m not even on speaking terms with my sister, who I grew up with and know pretty well. By the time you’re an adult, you should be able to relate to your relatives as fellow adults, no matter what your relationship to them is. If you can’t or they won’t, then cut them loose. it did me a world of good, personally.
Though I must confess that all my first cousins are males, and they’re all pretty cool, so we do fun things like fishing and riding motorcycles (and one cousin, Spencer, is always trying to get me under the mistletoe come Christmas time, but that’s another story).