Sorry, I just need to verbally vomit and this is the place I’m doing it.
Fuck I’m just pissed at my relatives. Everybody is mad at somebody and then what happens is you have a relative die and barely anyone shows up to the funeral because they’ll run into someone they’re mad at. My Grandma died recently and all of her grandkids adored her but only 3 of the 12 of us even showed up.
Sometimes people need to just suck it up. My brother hasn’t seen my dad in 15 years because he’s mad at him. My dad hasn’t see his brother in years because he’s mad at him. All my cousins are pissed off at their parents. My aunts and uncles are all mad about something. Damn, they’re all going to die soon and people just hold on to grudges for years.
I just want to slap them upside the head and say “get over yourselves, you’re not that fucking precious”.
When they’re gone, they’re gone, you can’t get them back.
And what’s my brother going to do if our mom dies? Not go to her funeral because dad’s going to be there? I don’t know how to fix it.
You can’t fix it. You can only live your own life the best way you know how. If other relatives want to cut themselves out of each other’s lives, that’s their problem.
I know that intellectually but my heart still breaks. It would just be so nice if people could apologize, forgive, and get on with things. We hurt so much from our pasts, why add extra misery with being mad forever?
Forgiving doesn’t mean that what was done is OK. It just means that…I don’t know.
I just hate all the separation and fighting and stuff. It’s so sad to think that my mom will never have her husband, kids and grandkids in the same room. And we don’t even live far apart! It’s all just such a waste.
She mostly just keeps her mouth shut for fear that he’ll cut her off and she won’t see her grandkids. I’ve been thinking a lot lately that I want to have a talk with him and ask him if he could please put aside the grudge he’s holding and just get on with things.
I end up in the middle because he wants me to come to his place and have Christmas with his family and my parents want me to come there to have Christmas with them. Then I have to worry about whose feelings I’m going to hurt.
And nobody ever comes to see me! They all just expect me to come see them. So then I have to drive for a day to my brother’s, stay there for a few days, then drive on to my parents for another days drive and then do the same thing on the way back.
This summer I got all stubborn and decided that if anyone wanted to see me, they could come to my place so I ended up not going home at all.
Then my grandma died and because of my stubbornness, I didn’t get to see her one last time. That’s a regret I’ll have for the rest of my life.
There are lots of good reasons to sever from family. Maybe there’s something going on that you don’t know about. Maybe they’re just being petty and will regret it someday. Either way, it’s really not your business and they’re not your regrets. All you can do is be the best person you can be. That doesn’t mean telling people what’s best for them, or thinking you know better than they do what is best for them. Just be a good person and people will come to you. Or they won’t, and that’s OK because it’s their loss.
For a personal example, anyone who tells me to (or implies that I should) just get over it and make up with my abusive dad is going to get an earful and/or punch in the face.
And that’s it in a nutshell. The threat of excommunication gives them the power to control other people. If the punishment for making someone mad is really high, you go out of your way to keep them happy. Except, it’s not a healthy dynamic and works poorly for everyone. Call it terrorism or bullying or abuse.
If the whole family is like this, it’s a problem well beyond solving. I’m sorry.
I get along well with my siblings and parents. We’re not a huge clan, but it’s just enough people to fill up a house on Christmas (if you throw in their spouses/SO and children).
We have a whole extended family who lives hundreds of miles away, with varying levels of dysfunctionality and embarrassment. Intellectually I understand they are “family”, but I don’t consider them family.
I am fortunate that I’ve never been close enough to have “beef” with any of them. But I can imagine that I would. There are many personality types in this world that I do not like. Shared DNA wouldn’t change this. Sometimes blood relations are not enough.
I wanted to respond to this separately, because I live it. You don’t have to be in the middle. They are using you as a pawn: whichever decision you make is the wrong one. So, don’t play. Whoever is asking you be in the middle, just say, “I’m sorry, you’re putting me in the middle of a family dispute, and I’m not doing that.” They’ll escalate, but if you keep being quiet and firm (and I know how difficult this is), they’ll stop using you.
My cousins are many and varied (big RC family). And they dont get along with each other for the most part. My sister and I would like to see them since they are all we have now, so we just accept them and all their weirdness and enjoy.
The trouble comes when an SO/spouse tries to levy judgment about our cousins and their spouses. To which we say, “You F.O. They’re assholes but their OUR assholes. You dont getta judge them.”
Dr. Drake has summed it up well. I am also sorry that your family are such a bunch of idiots. We’ve got one idiot like that in my family (my brother-in-law, married to my oldest sister), and he has decided to excommunicate us because we didn’t use him as a real estate agent four years ago. Fortunately, no one else in my family plays by the same stupid rules as he does; having a whole family of people acting like pouty children must be a special kind of hell.
There doesn’t seem to be any talking to these kinds of people, either - they seem to be totally convinced of their own rightness and their own martyrdom.
Does that still hold true if said cousins were being assholes to the SO/spouse and that’s what caused him/her to be judgmental? Because I have to say, I’m glad my husband can acknowledge when his siblings are not being the best people, even if I’m the one saying it.
No actually, the cousins werent even interacting with the SOs/spouses. Just being their usual inappropriate ADHD bipolar selves. It is a bit much, Ill admit, but they’re all we’ve got! And they’re quite harmless, would do anything for anyone. Just a little OTT.
I would hope that a fractured family could at least behave well enough to get through a funeral.
I tried for a few years to make amends toward my sister who’d declared her mother and four sisters were dead to her - all due a small misunderstanding. After a few years of trying to reconcile I just let it go and have never looked back, I don’t even miss her anymore. It was always hard to maintain a good relationship with her but I worked very hard at it for most of my adult life. Now, I don’t have to work at it anymore. Being related doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship if the only relationship you can have is toxic.
Family is wonderful when it works but when it doesn’t it can be toxic. I don’t believe in promoting family for family’s sake.
My blood family, such as it is, is fragmented and scattered and has been for many years.
My chosen family is closer to me than I could imagine my wildly divergent set of aunts, uncles, and cousins could ever be. Today, I will have about 12 folks here at the table, not a one of which is related to me (as far as we know).
Family is what you make it.
FloatyGimpy, I know where you are coming from. Good luck.
That’s a regret I’ll have for the rest of my life.
