I like my boyfriend’s friend. I can talk to him and I want to kiss his lips.
But then I would be an evil horrible cheating person.
Qazzz, I haven’t seen you around for a while. What’s up with that? Maybe you have been spending lots of time with the aforementioned boyfriend.
I, too, have known people with very, very, very kissable lips. It sucks to restrain. I mean, there they are in front of you, so soft and appealing ( the lips, I mean). All you want to do is lean in and smooch. Damn rules of society. Let me know if you break them, so I can live vicariously through you.
Break up with the boyfriend. Let some time pass. Kiss the boyfriend’s friend. Simple.
There’s nothing wrong with likeing someone else while you have a boyfriend. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Kissing someone makes you an “evil horrible cheating person”? Excuse me while I update my reference…
Dude, kissing someone makes you neither evil, nor horrible nor a cheater. Get over it.
If you really want to kiss this friend, organize a game of Spin the Bottle.
Does “kiss his lips” = “jump his bones”?
I’d consider kissing someone else cheating. Of course I’m not including pecks on the cheek etc in that.
As a married man I got all the kissing of other women out of my system before I got married. You are not married. But kissing your boyfriends friend will only lead to heartache. No doubt, and tons of it. Separate for a while, or for ever, have your fun! But don’t kiss him whilst still involved with another, that can become a dangerous habit to get into. If you love your boyfriend so much, why do you want to satisfy your libido with another man?
You seem to be implying “unlike my boyfriend”. If that’s the case, stop the pretense, break up, and hope this friend is as interested in you. Seems like you’re just not satisfied with your current boyfriend. Free yourself so that you won’t be an “evil cheating” person.
Brilliance personified.
Waaaay back in college, I was on the receiving end of something like this. My then-girlfriend-now-wife’s roomate and I had a long serious talk one evening. At the end, she lunged across the table we were sitting at and kissed me. I was caught completely by surprise, but her intensity was high enough for some nearby guys to shout things along the lines of “pork her!”. If I had done anything more than sit there stunned, I would have considered it cheating, my then-girlfriend-now-wife would have considered it cheating, and I think my then-girlfriend-now-wife’s roomate would have considered it cheating. (I didn’t quit keep my word and told my then-girlfriend-now-wife for over a decade later.)
And that is the danger zone you are in. It could be you just have a temporary fixation on kissing this guy, it could be deeper than that, who knows? If you are in danger on acting on your impulse, perhaps under the influence of alcohol, then you may owe it to your boyfriend to at least cool off your relationship and sound this guy out. If you really want your current boyfriend, and this is just a weird, physical urge, then this is just one of those tests that most relationships go through. I can’t imagine too many couples go through 50 year relationships without similar temptations. If this guy is just a bit out of your league, so that the temptation is purely one way, then I don’t know what to do. The honest thing would be to at least tell your boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’d want to know that kind of thing.
Um…because love and “libido” are two different things?
Qazzz, we need more information here to give you advice, if that’s what you’re looking for. Do you want this friend, or do you just have an unbearable urge to kiss him? Do you love your boyfriend and want to have a serious relationship with him, or are you waffling on the relationship with him to start with? Do you want to be single so you can kiss anybody you like (and there is absofrigginlutely nothing wrong with that - just don’t do it while in a committed relationship), and just have fun before you settle down with one person?
As for the line over which you are cheating if you go, everyone’s are in different places. I won’t even peck a guy friend on the cheek; my husband probably wouldn’t care, but I do. I think cheating is a grey, fuzzy area, and I intend to stay well back of the line.
I so do not get this “kissing is cheating” thing. I especially don’t get the permutations of it like “kissing on the cheek is OK but not on the lips,” except that “I won’t even peck my guy friends on the cheek.” It’s messed up. If you’re straight, do you view pecking your same-sex friends on the cheek to be cheating? If not, why is it cheating with one and not the other? What if you visit a country where it’s customary to greet friends with a kiss on the cheek? Do you offend your friends by refusing to kiss them because it’s cheating? Doesn’t there have to be some sort of sexual intent before it can reasonably be considered cheating?
Straight female here. I can only answer for myself, but my soon-to-be-ex husband absolutely detested kissing (and I’m talking of the French variety here) and therefore, I wouldn’t have considered any kissing, either done by him or me, to be cheating. Hey, if he wasn’t interested, wherever we got our kisses was open season.
Now, with my current boyfriend, the way he kisses me (in any nationality) is enough to stop my heart. I think him kissing someone else like that, sensually that is, would also break it and I would consider that way far crossing a line. He feels the same way. As to pecks on the cheek, they obviously don’t impart any kind of desire or longing and are hence okay with us.
And yes, I think you nailed it with ‘sexual intent’. If you got a major league jones for the person your smooching on even if it doesn’t get past first base, that covers all one needs to know about what place their heart is at.
Otto said:
Otto - If I walk into my house and I see my wife standing there kissing another man passionately what would you have me do? No big deal?
I think not otto, that would be a very big deal. I go to a friends house with my wife for dinner, when we leave my wife gives a peck on the cheek to my friend as we hug and say goodbye, I do the same with his wife… Problem? No…
You are confusing people saying it is cheating with the intimacy level of the act. What the OP is proposing to do is an intimate act, she says flat out she want’s to kiss her boyfriends friend on the lips. This to me would not be ok…it would step outside the realm of acceptable intimacy with another man.
Do you get it now?
Futhermore, satisfying ones libido by kissing another man would be satisfying a sexual urge right>? A libido maybe?
HUGE no-no!
This will probably make you want him more but just think about yourself in situation where the two will compare their experiences with you and spread it all around town…Like it happened to a friend of mine…the guys ended up making up and she was branded a whore.
I remember developing a huge crush on my friend’s HUSBAND! I simply stopped going to her house…She always asked why I never went over anymore but was happy to see me outside - away from her home… and her hubby! of course, she never found out but better than that neither did her husband…and I got over it!
Stay away! It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, your boyfriend, and for his relationship with his friend - in that order.
Until Otto responds again, I’ll let Phlosphr’s post serve as the best answer (basically, it’s what’s behind the kiss that makes it cheating).
What I want to touch on is the fact that this is your boyfriend’s friend, which is a big no-no. I know some people who exist in a mixed group of friends who seem to exchange significant others every now and again, but because they’ve got the friendship base, it seems to work for them and not cause any serious problems. If that’s the kind of case you’re in, then maybe it could work.
But in my book, and most other’s that I know, you don’t fool around with a friend’s ex. To dump your boyfriend to date one of his friends is an extreme act of betrayal, and it’s quite possible that the friend will feel the same way and rebuke your advance anyway, leaving you in a worse situation all around.
Of course, this could just be coming from my experience at having one of my first girlfriends dump me because she had a crush on my best friend. They never got together, my friendship with him was destroyed, and she became the first person I truly hated, so maybe I’m a little biased. Still, if you’re unhappy with your relationship, end it…but stay away from the friend.
Well, first off, you continue to conflate “love” with “libido.” You initially asked why someone would want to satisfy his libido with Person B if he’s in love with Person A. I can only speak for myself, but I didn’t stop having libidinous feelings for others because I was in love with someone. Two different emotions, two different sets of desires. There’s any number of people who, should you show me their picture I’d think, yeah I’d like to nail him, but there’s no way in hell I can imagine myself loving or being loved by them. Two different emotions, two different sets of desires.
Of course you should expect your wife not to become involved sexually with someone else, if you and she are both clear on that expectation. Of course you have a right to an explanation should you find her kissing another passionately. When did I indicate otherwise? What I have and continue to take issue with is that “I kissed someone other than my partner” means “I cheated on my partner” when that is taken to the level of “I don’t kiss my male friends on the cheek.” It’s bizarre and IMHO dysfunctional.
And if you will note, I did discuss sexual intent, which I maintain is different from “levels of intimacy.” I can be intimate without being sexual and vice versa.
So, to answer your rather insulting question, yep, I got it in one.
Not everyone separates love, sex, and intimacy into three barely connected categories. In fact, I would guess that most people don’t.
Furthermore, what you are talking about is irrelevant to the OP, because she didn’t just say she wanted to kiss the friend, but also that she liked him and could talk to him (presumably in ways she can’t talk to her boyfriend).
And her reason for not acting yet is that she doesn’t want to be a cheater - not that she doesn’t want to hurt her boyfriend.
Taking all that into account, she should break up with her boyfriend, and do whatever she wants afterward.
As for whether kisses are cheating, I think the line is based on intent, but not necessarily sexual intent.
If you thoughts are “I really like this person who is not my significant other, so I will kiss them. Mmmm…” then that is cheating, even if you don’t plan to have sex with them, unless you have agreed with your SO that you can make out with whoever you want.