I may be watching someone die..

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yesterday evening, I spent four hours at the hospital. That was perhaps a bit longer than I had originally set out to be there for… but since I live across the street, that’s as nothing.

A well-respected woman of our church is dying. :frowning: Miss Linda was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in June or July, and told the Chinese congregation about it when she knew that it would be final. Even then, she needed to be on oxygen for brief periods during the day.

She didn’t even smoke or hang around smokers, and yet she got this pernicious disease! I’d say how unfair that seems, but then it would quickly turn into a semi-rant about smokers / pollution… which is something I don’t want to do.

I’ve been thinking about her the last few months, especially when she got moved to the hospital. Went and saw her tonight, and there were a few other people that I knew from church. (Tom, Allyn, Doug…) Miss Linda’s lifespan can most probably be measured in days now. :frowning:

There is one person who will stay overnight with her in the palliative care unit… I’m relieved to hear that bit of news, although I could be there in two minutes if need be. I may not be as close to her as some people are, but I still respect and care for her.

We let her know that we were there, touched her hand, cared for her physical needs, prayed for her, and sang a couple of hymns to her. She can’t communicate now, although she can lift her hand up from the bed to signal that she wants something. (or to acknowledge that someone’s said something directly to her) Her eyes are closed all the time now, and they almost look fused shut from a certain angle.

Miss Linda can only take shallow breaths of air now, and vocalizes when she’s in pain or wants something. She’s on morphine for some part of the day, plus medication masks and a nebulizer. (whatever those are… I hope they help her feel beter)

It’s surprising how much a person can deteriorate in four months… she’s very thin now, and can’t really eat anything. I think I’ll go back tomorrow or the next day. (I’m concerned about her… even if she is confused and has little control over her behavior, I want to do what I can)

It’ll be sad to lose such an inspiring person… she contributed a lot to the church, and was always serving others.
I’m planning on going back tonight… in fact, I’ll probably leave within a half hour. Damn, this makes me sad.

By the way, does anyone know how common it is for non-smokers to get lung cancer? I know that pollution and exhaust can cause it, but I always thought the primary cause was smoking.

F_X

2

It’s not common, but it does happen - there are different forms of lung cancer. An eminent researcher in lung cancer and HIV at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Dr. Howard Temin was killed by a non-smoking-caused form of lung cancer several years ago.

3

I’m sorry for your impending loss, Flami.

4

Turns out that the loss was alreay experienced, although I didn’t know about it yet… at least, not until 45 minutes ago.
Just went to the hospital, and got told by the nurses that Linda wasn’t there anymore. They said to check with the family about where she was. I didn’t think that sounded particularly good, since there’s only one place you can go from a palliative care unit.

Went home and called my mom, who was attempting to send email to Vernon’s mom. She told me that Linda had passed away at around midnight. :frowning: I think it’s a good thing that I didn’t wait too much longer to visit.

The memorial service will be on Remembrance Day. I’ll do my best to make it there. At least her suffering is over, even though she’ll be missed.

RIP, Linda Leung… you will be missed, but there is rejoicing in heaven.

F_X

5

You, and those who kept vigil, making sure she was not alone, are good people, Flami.

Rest now, Miss Linda.

6

Thanks, Ice Wolf. I kind of wish I’d stayed an extra 90 minutes or so last night, but there was no way I could have known…

F_X

7

I didn’t know exactly when my mum was going to die, either. I wasn’t there when it happened. I was tired, mentally and spiritually, and I was 40 km away from the hospital for one day, visiting a friend, to try to gather strength for the final phases of mum’s bowel cancer, the palliative care, the morphine pumps, the farewelling and seeing her suffer more …

That day, I got a call from the hospital to say the end had started. By the time I got back to Auckland Hospital, it was all over.

In my case – I wasn’t meant to see my mother’s passing. I said goodbye to that which remained, and did my duties to her and her memory.

8

Sorry, Leslie, that’s really sad.

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{{{{Flamsterette_X }}}}
My grandfather died of lung cancer. No smoking or pollution either, he just got it. I didn’t know it was so uncommon.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with both of you.

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I’m sorry for your loss. Although it was lovely that Linda always had someone there for her.

I had to watch my grandad die of lung cancer. It isn’t pleasant. My other grandad also died of lung cancer, but I was too young to remember it.

11

Sorry for your loss, Flam. She sounds like a good person.

12

I’m so sorry, bF_X**. But she’s free of pain, and departed surounded by kindness. A good end to a good life.

13

Thanks, everyone. She was indeed a good person, and did so much for people. I wish I could be more like her, actually.

I still kind of wish I had been there at the end… if only I’d stayed an extra 90 minutes. (or told her friend to call me if there was something going on!) There was someone with Linda when she passed on, for which I’m grateful. I’m telling myself that there was no way I could have known the time of her death, and at least I was there in her final earthly hours. Still, though… it’s hard.

This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with death… there have been other deaths in the church community, and those people were just as well-loved / respected. (Uncle Mark, Auntie Dorothy, Anita’s grandma…) But this one really hits home for some reason… maybe it is because I was with her just before she died. I know there will be other deaths that I’ll have to deal with in furture, so maybe I’ll be better-prepared to deal with those… or not, it depends.

At least she’s free of pain, and has left a legacy in our hearts. People were there for her in her last months, and that’s one of the strengths of a church community.

14

After some thinking about it, I am going to the memorial service tomorrow at church. I’m not sure I’ll stay for the graveside service, because I don’t know if I can handle it. For some reason, I feel like I have to be strong… even though nobody in her family knows me. I’ve broken down with people before, but that was always in private.

I know this desire to be fully in control of my emotions in public may be a bit irrational. If there’s ANY place where people won’t give you grief about not being totally in control, it’s at a funeral. (especially if you knew the deceased with any sort of fond feeling, which I did) Maybe what I fear is being vulnerable in front of my parents and other people whether I know them well or not. I have no idea…

I should call my brother to tell him to cancel his plans for a few hours, since he’s been tabbed to play violin at the graveside.

15

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. :frowning:

FWIW, there was a thread not too long ago about when it is acceptable to cry in public.

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Thanks, cityboy916. I know it’s acceptable to cry in public at funerals, but I’ve never done it… maybe it’s because I don’t know the people involved well enough. Sure, it’s still a sad occasion… but never done it yet. I’m sure the tears will come unbidden if (God forbid) I was at a funeral of one of my close friends, family, people who I respect and know better than I did Linda.
The funeral service was all in Chinese, so I understood maybe half of it. With 467 people at the church, it was certainly crowded both upstairs and downstairs. I decided to go to the graveside service (which was also in Chinese), and to lunch afterwards as well. There were understandably some emotional people around, but I wasn’t one of them. Not because I didn’t feel sad, but I’ve done with all of that for now. Although I must say I don’t necessarily agree with Auntie Susan when she says: “I don’t like going to funerals, since they make me cry… even if I never knew the person.”

I learned a bit about Linda’s life, as well. Among other things: she’d had polio as a young child, was converted as a teen, went to Bible School with only an eighth-grade education, and had eight siblings. In June, she discovered that she was having trouble breathing. When walking to her car after giving talks at various churches, she experienced shortness of breath. So she went to the doctor, where they found out that she was already in the last stages of lung cancer.

Talked to a few people who were around my age, and finally learned the significance of sprinkling dust on the casket before it’s lowered into the ground. (Jon asked me, and I didn’t know… luckily, Vernon was around and told us) It has to do with the “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” saying. The last funeral I was at, we put flowers on the casket… my brother was helping people get food, so he wasn’t there at the time. I wasn’t sure what the significance of that was, beyond saying a final goodbye to the deceased… so it was nice to learn something more about the rituals.

F_X

17

I’m sorry to hear about your loss.

I’m glad you went to the graveside service. I was always taught that the funeral wasn’t for the deceased. It was for the people that were left behind.

I’ve been through enough of them to know that this is true. It is the point where you realize that this person, who had a place in your life, is gone and that it’s time to move on without them.

You put the memory of them and what you learned from them in your heart and remember them always. That’s all you can do at this point.

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Thanks, Lady Ice. Going to the graveside service was a bit sad, but it was also like saying a final goodbye to her… if you know what I mean.

That’s what I’m going to do from here on out… is remember her and the things she did for others. Also, I’ll try to learn from her example… applying these things may not be easy, but it’s going to help. :slight_smile:

F_X

19

Hospice and oncology unit nurses will tell you that terminally ill patients often “wait” until their loved ones have left before they pass away. In my dad’s case, I arrived at the hospital less than 10 minutes after he passed. I had heard that there was some residual “brain activity” (probably just an urban legend, but somehow comforting) for up to 10 minutes after death, so I spoke softly to him, telling him it was OK to leave and not to worry about the family. Then I sat with him for quite some time, repeating the names of our family members over and over. It was a precious time for me, something I will never forget.

I am very sorry for your loss. Heaven is indeed richer for gaining such a wonderful human being.