I merely look like Jesus

So the other night, I’m walking past this double protest a few blocks from the White House. I wander up to a corner on the other side of the street, next to another onlooker, and wonder aloud, “what the hell is this?”

This girl, she turns to look at me in a most curious way, part stunned, part respectful, and part mirthful, part something else. “Well,” she says, “we got the Palestinians waving their flag on one side, and the Israelis with their flag on the other, and they’re chanting slogans at each other. Oops, now the Israeli flag is crossing the street.”

Swear it happened just like that, as best I can recall her exact words. That was a highly accurate description of what was actually happening, but I could see it just as well as she. That’s a hell of a fucking metaphorical commentary she just gave me, I thought, but why is she still staring at me like that? Then I noticed there were several other people watching our conversation instead of that catachrestical shit going on across the street, all with that same weird look.

That’s when the thought hit me. Dude, you forgot your hair-tie again. You look like Jesus, and these people want to hear your answer.

I suppose I look a little bit like Jesus. If I were running from the cops and shit, they wouldn’t need an identikit to find me. I’ve got the standard Euro-Jesus light hair, goes about halfway down my back, and a goatee, and I’m kind of scrawny. And I used to be a carpenter, and I just turned thirty-three. Oh, yeah, and I’m a Reverend in the Universal Life Church, as if you ain’t.

But that’s where the resemblence ends. Did I throw up my arms, say, “let’s all love one another,” walk into the middle of K Street, and bring the flag bearers into each others’ arms, like Jesus might do?

Fuck, no, dude! I got the fuck out of there!

Sometimes when I’m in Jesus mode, you know, with my hair down, I swear people think I’m going to say or do something that’s somehow spiritually important. It ain’t gonna happen. I’m about as spiritual as a wrench. You probably don’t want my opinion.

You want some advice? Here’s the word of the guy who merely resembles Jesus. Pay for your damned advice, motherfuckers! I don’t see anyone sliding me the greens for saying that, so you shouldn’t even consider the shit I just said without a second opinion. Now go forth and do whatever the hell it is you people do.

If you’d wear your “U.S. Olympic Beer-Drinking Team” t-shirt, this kind of thing wouldn’t keep happening.


I think if you lead your flock in a rousing rendition of ‘Hell Yeah,’ any ideas of your godhood would be abandoned like Mithra.

If I think this couplet is as funny as hell, does that mean I’m completely out to lunch? How about this triplet?


(This is the oddest Pit rant I’ve ever heard. Imagine the mess we’d be in if JDT looked like JC…

“Bow down to the Tyler, Tugger, and the Holy Foreskin, hallowed be their tallywhackers.”)

If you stop taking care of your hair, it’s an easy transition from Jesus to Charles Manson, then not only will you not have to worry about people wanting your advice they will give you as much space as they can.

“Hey, dudes. Big party at the water fountain later.”

-Resident Jesus look-a-like at my old High School

You should have muttered, “Dad is going to be pissed,” and walked away.

So, is this YOUR site?

I know where you’re comming from.

The pic is a year or so out of date, but I think it shows my credentials:


“I look like Jesus, so they say,
But mister Jesus is very far away.”

I love that song…

Another good thing to have said would have been, “Chosen People, my ass! Should have drowned the lot of 'em when We had the chance!”


“I go away for a couple thousand years and the place just goes to Hell!”

I have no problem believing that’s Sofa King’s site, Guin. Hell, the Jesus.com guy is in D.C. too! Well done, SK! That sucker cracked me up.

Oh, no. I’m a Jesus of a different feather, altogether.

The Palestinians are mostly islamic, and the Israelis are mostly jewish, right? So why would either group care what Jesus thought about the situation, unless all the Palestinians were 1400 years old?

ah yes Jesus I aint, of course I aint Weird Al, Chris Cornel, or a woman with a mustache.

but if you wanna see a really embarassed mom just hang out with me at safeway. little girls in line are just FULL of funny notions.

“look mommy, its jesus”

Christ I just about peed my pants laughing at that one.

You need a Rolling Stones '01 t-shirt.

The bloodstained cheesecloth probably works both ways though.