"Do you read the Bible?"

The BBQ Pit
1

I was going to post this in one of the retail threads, but I suspect it would have been too much of a hijack.

So there I was at work this afternoon, helping a customer on how to connect their new Playstation2 to an older tv. I hear a pounding on the counter behind me, and a co-wonker ask someone if they need help. The pounding continues. Maybe thirty seconds later, having finished explaining about the difference between coaxial cable and RCA-A/V connections, I turn around, as this fool is still rapping his knuckles on the counter. “Can I help you?”

“Do you read the Bible?”

“Excuse me?”, I sort of gasp. This guy has a HUGE purple growth on his left cheek, messed-up short white hair, and bad teeh.

He askes me again. So I reply, “Not right now, I’m working.” He then says to me, “But you HAVE read it?” I admit to having done so, now wondering where this is going-- and with a few cowokers and customers standing behind him watching, I’m waiting for the nutjob show.

He didn’t dissappoint. It seems I’m going to Hell. Why? Because it states in the Bible that “Long hair is for the glory of women.” Geez, man, was that the best you could come up with? It’s not even that long right now, you shoulda seen the blue mohawk I had last year… I feel much better now, if that all it takes to get in, I’ll be in with some damned good folks.

But before I can actually respond to him, he adds that all of the medieval artwork depicting Jesus and His Apostles wearing long hair were the work of members of a Babylonian cult. LOUDLY.

There’s a fine line between “zealot” and “psychotic ass-huffer”. He crossed it. And he was very soon no longer welcome in my store. Ever.

Roughly an hour later, three very attractive young girls came in, bearing flyers. “I want you to know that Jesus loves you.” was what the one with the largest breasts said. I asked them to leave, and their (spokesbooty? spokesslut?) said “Won’t you even shake my hand?”

NO!

I feel sorry for all intelligent, rational Christians, for how they must apologize and do damage-control after the nuts scare the FUCK out of someone.

2

So many psycho prosetlyzers, so few baseball bats.

3

Do those people think that creeping people out is going to win people over to Jesus?

4

Um…if I ever get around to changing my sig…?

…would you mind, terribly… ?

Please

5

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Darth Nader *
I feel much better now, if that all it takes to get in, I’ll be in with some damned good folks.QUOTE]

Emphasis mine.

I’m not sure if you meant it that way, but that’s a sly little pun.

The “one with the largest breasts” comment made me laugh, too.

6

Feel free. Just wash yer hands when yer done, okay?

I shit you not, think skanky 17-yr old in a push-up bra asking you to attend a meeting at her fundie church. I got the distinct feeling I would catch a disease. Or maybe ringworm.

EW! EwEwEwEw!

7

When I attended high school in Olathe, Kansas…Bible Belt country despite it’s Union allegiance in the War of Secession…I actually got this argument a few times. I had hair halfway down my back at the time, I was into the hippie music at the time and determined to show as much. I pointed out that all the times I’d seen Jesus depicted he had long hair, and how Samson’s strength came from his long hair, but they kept at it.

At some point you just have to decide to marginalize the fundies and the literalists and deal instead with the rest of the Xians. Well, that goes if you want to actually have conversations with Xians about metaphysics. If not, then mocking them all for the actions of their rogue loonies is pretty fun too, I’ve had a good time with that.

I lived in Kansas for two years, then Missouri for the last 8 years…I’m used to the Southern Baptist Brigade by now, nothing they say would really surprise me anymore. Will God send me to hell if I keep a marmot or aquatic mammal inside city limits? I’m sure they’ll let me know someday soon.

8

On the hair thing, next time, try mumbling something about Paul being a repressed homosexual.

9

About the hair thing? I was dry bald less than a year ago… Right now, my bangs don’t even make it to my mouth. This’s wasn’t about my being hairy, as I’m not, but that’s the only thing that this fucktard could find to freak out about. I posted this whole rant mostly because I had never had such a horrible experience with such a “Christian” person before.

I have this sudden urge to let my beard grow into some sort of massive “Taliban” nest of evil :wink:

I made sure not to provoke that guy, I am quite willing to listen to the rant, as it is much better than having them snap and (firebomb my store, send out the whores, chew my nuts of in a fit of rage)… oh-- yeah, he did send out the girls.

Gads.

10

[prayer]Jesus, spare and save me from these pathetic so-called followers, and please don’t let them continue to make me look bad for really being a Christian, a good one, who doesn’t do obnoxious crap like that![/prayer]

11

Isn’t it such a stinker when girls are hot and chaste? Bummer.

You should have looked her in the eye and said “I would like to have lots of missionary-position sexual intercourse with you.”

12

“No, but I’ll massage your chest.”

13

The creepy ones are actually members of a Babylonian cult.

14

I sympathize. When I run into frothing fundies of any religion, I have to keep repeating to myself, “Dreamer—Zev—Poly—Vanilla,” etc. Now you know how us atheists feel about Madalyn Murray O’Hare and the Pledge Dad . . . Both trying to accomplish worthy goals, in the nuttiest, most off-putting ways possible.

15

Next time you run across him, ask him if he ever wears a hat.

16

Properly tranlsated it is NOT “Long hair is for the glory of women.”

But

"Long hair is a great lure to attract the glory that is woman."

You see, the Bible is actually full of dating tips.

Remember, there shall be no peace for the wicked. But the righteous shall be able to get a piece anytime.

17

Does the church of Scientology have tracts? I say fight fire with fire. Tell the Christian fundies about space aliens and dianetics and stuff.

18

Just to inject some sense into this:

Did you ask the gentlemen (and I’ll allow you to determine if the term is warranted) ever read Numbers 5 (the section of the Nazirite)? How about Judges (specifically the chapters dealing with Samson)?

I know it’s too late now, but consider it ammunition for the next time it happens, Darth Nader

BTW, thank you for the compliment Eve.

Zev Steinhardt

Zev Steinhardt

19

If God cares more about appearance than motives, who wants to worship Him?

20

Pity its illegal to beat people with baby jesus buttplugs. Where is the justice in our society? Won’t someone THINK OF THE CHILDREN! Please god think of the children!