So. I’ll make this a choose your own adventure style pitting.
I’m walking home from work. A guy and a girl who look like students (I’m at a University) approach me with the Bible and say “Hey, we’re in Theology. Do you have time to talk about the Bible?”
DO I…
A) Smack the Bible out of his hand and dump my coffee on it (a la Fight Club).
B) Decline politely and go eat my dinner.
C) Assume when they say “We’re in Theology,” they mean “The Theology department,” and not “Crazy motherfucking cult,” take pity on fellow students, and say “Surrreee…”
The correct answer is (C). So the guy starts talking. At first it is at least somewhat interesting.
Him: “Are you a Christian?”
Me: “No, agnostic,” That was a lie. I’m an atheist. I didn’t want to crush his dreams too soon. Now, I regret this. “I am interested in theology though.” That was true. I love mythology and theology of all cultures.
Him: “Are you familiar with references to God as Mother?”
Me: “No. That sounds interesting.” Well, it did at the time. I was really hungry. And it had been a 12 hour day.
Him: (Quotes a bunch of stuff from Revelations. A book which I am a huge fan of for its unabashed off-the-walledness.)
Me: Huh. That’s kind of interesting.
Him: “It’s cold out here. Do you want to talk more in the library?”
DO I…
A) Beat him to death with my Thermos.
B) Say, “No, I’m starving, I really have to go eat.”
C) Say, “Ok…”
Oh god why didn’t I pick (A). Oh yeah, jail. I opted for the second craziest option and went with (C).
We sit down in the library. The girl hasn’t said a damn word yet. What follows is 30 minutes of increasingly crazy endtimes theology. He quotes Revelation 6:13
OPEN SPOILERS: the stars and figs are Israelites, the wind is WWII.
Me: What about when the stars and figs are other things in the Bible?
Him: But… what are they Andy? Why didn’t I give him a fake name… like Awesome McDuderson?
Me (dejected): The Israelites.
He quotes Revelation 6:14
Him: So the mountains are moving. What does that sound like? What ended the war that was killing the Jews?
Me: The Battle of Berlin, Hitler’s suicide, and the destruction of Germany’s capability to make war.
Him: No… the WHOLE war.
Me: The… the atomic bomb? That only ended the war in the Japanese theatre.
Him: No… the WHOLE war. The war that was killing the Jews.
Me: But that part of the war was over. Like months earlier.
Him: Very good! I have a degree! Don’t talk to me like I’m in Kindergarten! The atomic bomb!
Me: Why didn’t you go with the Dresden firebombing? I’m sure John would have thought that was pretty badass.
Girl: She can talk! THE WORD OF GOD IS ABSOLUTE!
Me: But it’s a better interpretation if you want to come up with some prophecy…
Him: But the atomic bomb ended the ENTIRE war. There’s more proof!
He quotes Zechariah 14:12
Him: Now what does that sound like?
Me: MRSA?
Him: No, it’s atomic bombs!
Me: Radiation sickness doesn’t kill you where you stand. It takes weeks.
Girl: They have kinds that kill you faster now. Rot where you stand.
DO I…
A) Say, “I’M A MEDICAL DOCTOR, DAMMIT, WHO SPECIALIZES IN RADIATION SICKNESS!” and storm out. I’m not.
B) Say “I am about ready to eat my hand. Please let me go.”
C) Sigh and take the theological molestation already in progress.
I think at this point we all know what the answer is.
It continues. I’ll summarize the next 15 minutes by saying he claimed that WWIII was imminent, that Christ would come again, that the second coming of Christ would be from the East, that only Christ could interpret the Bible, and Christ had come again. At this point, my “this is too fucking crazy” threshold finally pinged. This threshold needs recalibrating and has failed me consistently throughout my time in the Big City.
Him: What do you think about all this?
Me: Can you go back to that verse about only Christ can interpret the Bible?
Him: Revelation 5:2-3?
Me: I think that’s particularly appropriate. Nobody can interpret the Bible. Not you, not me, not anybody. You’ve presented a nice interpretation, but it’s an interpretation.
Him: But I know Christ personally. He taught me this interpretation.
Me (stunned): You know Christ? Who is he? What denomination are you with?
Girl: WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
Me: So you literally know the guy?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Isn’t there something about false prophets in the Bible?
Him: Yeah. Matthew 24.
Me (reading jubilantly): For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake. And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
Him: Yeah, but read after that.
Me: What? This was entirely relevant.
Him: Matthew 24:27. For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
Me: You’re kidding.
Him: See? It’s saying he’ll come from the east! He’s already come! I know him!
DO I…
A) Say, “YOU’VE COMPLETELY MISSED THE FUCKING POINT OF THE PASSAGE! HOLY FUCK!” And storm out.
B) Cry as my body begins to digest my skeletal muscle.
C) Cut a huge check to crazy cult.
Finally, I opt for (A). And holy shit does it feel good.
Turns out these guys were with the World Mission Society Church of God and they are fucking crazy as hell. This ended up being a long pitting. I’m sorry. To summarize, I pit myself for being a huge fucking tool and not bailing earlier. I pit these guys, for buying into a shitty two-bit theology. But mostly, I pit whoever fucking sent these poor bastards on a conversion tour. What a waste of oxygen that was all around. Fuck.
