So here’s the story. I meet this great guy. I fall head over heels for him the first time I talked to him. He told me that he is in the Army National Guard, and would be deployed in a little over a month. So I figure, ok, well, no way I’m getting into a serious realtionship with this guy, he’s leaving so soon. But we can hang out, seems like a fun guy, why not? A few days later we’ve said those three little words, and are spending every moment together that we can untill the day he leaves.
I love this man more than anything. But the distance, infrequent contact, and stress of both our daily lives are throwing me for a loop. He’s been gone for about 2 1/2 months. He’ll be gone for a year. We’ve been fighting alot lately, but it can mostly be attributed to the stress. I miss him so much. Sometimes I dont know how I’ll make it to when he comes back.
Have any of you been thru this before? How can I be supportive of him, without neglecting my own feelings of missing him desperatly? I hope this gets easier soon sigh.
I have been through a deployment, not a year long one, thats pretty intense, mine was only 7 months. Many of even the married couples didn’t make it.
I think the best thing you could do for eachother is attest your love and say that if things work out when he gets back, they work out, if not they don’t. IME it’s not worth the wait, especially if you guys had just met…
I know this is the Army but I think these same rules apply. The Navy goes through more deployments then the other forces and they have actually done psychological studies on the stages of relationships during deployments. This is the royal navy but the guidlines seem the same as the ones I remember for the US navy
anger, resentment and frustration
arguing with each other
crying at TV shows or songs
finding it difficult to make decisions
**During deployment: **
initial relief that the pain of saying goodbye is over
guilt because of that relief (“does it mean I don’t really love him/her?”)
difficulty in sleeping (or sometimes over-sleeping)
restlessness and irritability
**After deployment: **
an initial uneasiness with each other
arguments or silences
fear of sexual intimacy
My hubbie went on a year’s remote tour two months after Young Tiger was born, and it was really, really tough. We went through all the phases alterego listed.
My cousin, OTOH, met a guy two weeks before he was deployed overseas for a year, and apparently handled the separation well, and they ended up getting married when he got back and are still happily married to this day, 25+ years later.
It’s tough being apart. But if you want it to work, maybe it would help if you expressed some of your feelings of frustration, missing him desperately, etc., to someone else – a close girlfriend or something like that. It would take some of the pressure off him, and while I realize you’re undergoing some pressure, he’s probably undergoing a lot worse.
I know the National Guard often has a family support program when they deploy; have you tried contacting them to see if there’s other left-behind girlfriends you could get together with to commiserate? Or any other kinds of support services?
Hang in there. You’re not alone in how you feel, and you can make it through this if he’s really worth waiting for!
This past spring, my husband, Airman Doors, USAF deployed to the Middle East. It was difficult to say good-bye, and I cried on the way home from the airport. Even though it got easier over time, it still wasn’t easy.
What helped me is that I stayed busy. I was working at the time, and that helped a lot. We also have a baby, and my in-laws would babysit so I could get stuff done like grocery shopping and the like. I also made a Dopefest in Philly, and that helped, too.
Thanks guys. I try not to tell him all the time how hard it is for me, becuase it makes him sad to hear that. Right after he left I had alot of bad stuff happen in my life: Got kicked outta my house, got mono, best friend threatened to attempt suicide, and there was a question of whether or not my liver was failing. He felt very guilty about not being home, and all this stuff really stressed him out.
Staying busy definatly helps. I work full time and thy to keep myself busy otherwise. Also what helps alot is that his parents and I get together once ever couple of weeks for dinner, and I email them and talk to them all the time.
sandalfeet it may sound sadistic but it is best not to tell him about these things at all. Its actually recommended that you don’t.
If it won’t make a difference whether you tell him or not (if it doesn’t help the problem), and the only outcome is that he is stressed and worried and it brings about bad feelings, you really shouldn’t tell him.
He probably has more time to sit and think about stuff than you imagine.
I know what you’re going through! My SO of 2 years was deployed to the middle east in early July. Like MsRobyn, the ride home from the airport was horrible. At first I stayed really busy with things I didn’t have time to do normally, hanging out with friends and family, working more, etc. But the stress of keeping track of both of our bills, taking care of everything that needs to be done, and the emotional stress from not being able to see him or talk to him beyond email has really gotten to me this month. I work from home and I live 1 hour away from everyone I know, so if I’m not careful to get out of the house often lonliness gets to be a big issue.
He actually calls me about once a week, but the phone calls are pretty stressful in and of themselves. I’ve been going through some major family issues while he’s been gone (grandpa almost dying, grandma diagnosed with cancer, brother getting divorced, dealing with father’s alcoholism, the list goes on) and alot of financial problems, but I’ve been trying to keep things cheerful when he calls and focusing on the positive. That means not sharing significant events with him. It’s hard to find things to talk about when you haven’t had any shared experiences for months.
I had no idea there were specific stages relationships go through during deployments! I recognize all of those from previous deployments he’s had, but it’s actually kind of comforting to know that they’re normal. He’s (hopefully!) coming back in November, so now I’m trying to get everything done before he gets back. If you get stressed out or overwhelmed by things and need someone to talk to, my email is in my profile. Please don’t hesitate to use it!
There was a LOT I didn’t tell Airman, just because it would’ve worried him more, stressed him out more, and made his (and my) life a lot worse. I didn’t bother him with bills, for example, because they’re minor in comparison. They just got paid or dealt with. Same with most problems. Something broke, it got fixed. No reason to whine about the tripped circuit breaker. Just go to the basement and re-set it. Mostly, we just talked about our day, and what we were doing. Mundane things. I think it helped him to know that life went on as usual.
You can learn a lot about stuff during a deployment. Like, how to re-set a circuit breaker.
Sorry, I just realized how that 2nd paragraph sounded and wanted to clarify. I actually don’t bring up problems, financial stress, minor emergencies, things like that when we talk. That’s what can make the phone calls stressful at times. For example, 2 weeks ago I was taking care of my grandma and giving her rides to her radiation appointments daily while my grandpa and uncle were away on business, and then I would work 2 jobs and finally go to sleep at night.* When he would call, I honestly couldn’t think of 1 thing to talk about that wasn’t related to what I was doing, and it was a bit of a stretch to sound cheerful and in control of things. Of course, that was probably nothing compared to what he was going through, and I imagine he was trying to do the same thing.
It’s definitely worth it, though. He’s an awesome guy
*[sub]I’m usually not that busy. It just all seemed to hit at once.[/sub]
My husband has been in the Navy for about 2 1/2 years now and will be leaving for his first real deployment early next year sometime. I’m not looking forward to it. So far, he’s been gone for a week or two here and there. He’s scared that our daughter isn’t going to remember him when he gets back (He’s probably going to be gone for her first birthday.), and I’m not looking forward to not having him around for 6 months or more. I knew when he enlisted that it was going to happen, so I can’t be too upset about it, but still…
