Serendipity’s thread really touched a chord. I feel exactly the same way. I had one of the worst weekends in my life, which I topped off by ranting and raving at a poor boy who was patient with me. I want so badly to apologize but it’s too late.
So I’m here at work, staring at my monitor, making my token appearance until I can leave. I just want to go home and sleep. And sometimes when I go to sleep, I just don’t want to wake up.
This is absolute hell. And maybe I shouldn’t be posting this, either. But I feel so incredibly trapped in my own skin. Everything is grey. I’m walking around in a daze. My head is cloudy and I can’t function.
To you: I’m sorry. There’s a breaking point, and it happened last night. I didn’t want to hurt you or berate you in any way, but I think I did so nonetheless. Thank you for your patience, and your box of Kleenex®. Please understand how I felt about everything that happened, and please understand I feel even worse now. This is not how it was meant to be - or at least how I thought it would be.
Never underestimate the esteem in which I hold you, and my admiration for your accomplishments. Those things are unconditional and unchanging.
Our paths crossed once upon a time, but now they diverge. Maybe one day we can be friends again.
Homebrew, don’t call him that, even jokingly… he might take it the wrong way! Honestly… :rolleyes:
Scott, I’m so sorry that you’re going through a rough time. I don’t know if I can relate to what you’re going through, but I can certainly sympathize. When I read your post, there were no words to describe how I felt for you… sad, depressed, torn-up inside, compassionate, etc. don’t even begin to describe it! This is the absolute truth!
If you want to talk, you can email me. At least keep us updated as to what is going on with you, please. We love and care about you, and don’t want to see any more harm or grief come to you… so keep that in mind, okay? From the bottom of my heart, I really wish things will get better for you… sounds like you’ve had more than your share of rough seas over the past few days.
I dunno…last time I gave you a hug, I got scolded for supposedly making sexual overtures in the Pit!
As for your lament, we all go through times of regret – but one thing about people – or at least the people who care – is that they can and do forgive. Take that consolation, and expect your friend to understand what was going on inside you and to forgive you, if he hasn’t already.
Thank you, all. Sorry if I’m doing the drama queen thing. I just couldn’t keep it inside anymore.
I basically have to dive into work, now. I’m late on my deadlines, and my manager was concerned about me. I essentially broke down in her office, and told her that I’d make up for lost time. Really, it shouldn’t be that difficult, seeing as I work quickly.
Sadly, I think this is the end of the line, as far as he’s concerned. I want nothing more than to hear it’s OK, but I don’t expect that to be forthcoming. It’s my own fault.
Then maybe you need to go to him and ask for his forgiveance. May not work, and it may be a real emotional strain. But I predict you’ll feel better for having tried.
First off, thank you all so much for the hugs, kind words, and emails. It really does help. Even those who didn’t reply in the thread but simply read it gave hugs in their own way. (I know, that was way mushy. I should stop waxing sentimental and being so g-d maudlin… ;)) But at the same time, it’s nice to know that people here care, even though I’m still a bit of a newbie.
Today got off to a bad start. I didn’t sleep well and could barely drag myself out of bed. My eyes were puffy because I spent all of yesterday evening crying, but I needed to cry. (I don’t mind stating that openly. I’ve come to understand that not only is it OK to hurt, it’s also OK to tell others about it.) I didn’t think I was going to make it into work on time, but I was lucky to catch the last bus.
I did what I said I would do, even though it took incredible effort: I dove into work. It was difficult, seeing as the chapter of the manual I’m working on is rather complicated and detailed, and I’m trying to document a new interface. But as the day went on, it got easier, and I can actually say I worked a full day.
My manager, who knows that I’m not doing well, was sympathetic as always. I think she was really pleased that I was coming through and getting the job done in spite of everything, and not just wallowing in my pain and slacking off. Even though I diss my job openly, I do have a strong work ethic.
In any case, this too, shall pass.
Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m not going to turn into a stalker.
El Hubbo and I were going through some tough times at the end of 2001 and one day, I too broke down and cried in my boss’ office (okay, cube) so I can relate, my evil friend.
Don’t forget:
It’s all good in the hood.
You’re down like a clown in da unnagroun.
Word to Big Bird.
These words are my mantra in tough times. May they grant you serenity in yours.
