I need help. I don't know how to stand up for myself at work.

[SanVito]

@Really_Not_All_That_Bright

I think she’s saying she’s a buyer, but that her educational background is in graphic design.

Oh well, can’t help her then! Except to say I agree with what the righteous Sage Rat says.

OP, have you ever considered some sort of assertiveness training? Because it sounds like, until you learn how to calmly stand up to these idiots, you’re always going to be the doormat. I understand your retisence - I was always pretty shy myself and really had to struggle to combat that side of me. Some sort of professional training may help.

My girlfriend manages a concession in one of London’s biggest, most arrogant department stores, and the staff there sound exactly like the people you have to work with. Evil boss that everyone’s scared of, jumped up young floor managers who pass the buck and bully the concessions. Her concession had previously gone through 5 grown managers who couldn’t cope. Her first few weeks were a nightmare - she was constantly harangued about sales figures, her staff, her stock, you name it. Even her Managing Director couldn’t cope with them.

However, my girlfriend is a very confident person and started to fight back. She stopped taking their criticisms and started throwing stuff back at them - “Can you help me with this? Why not? How do you expect me to increase sales if you won’t let me do x? I’m going to do Y unless you give me a damned good reason why I can’t.” When they don’t respond to her requests, she copies the evil boss in on her emails. They don’t know what’s hit them, are now being nice to her staff and are frankly looking scared of her. And her figures are going up. BUT she is assertive. You need to learn some of that.

[TruCelt]

Get a dry-erase board. Keep it scrupulously updated with all of your projects. The first column should be “Requestor.” Anything requested by your Boss, or whoever initializes assignments appropriately, should be at the top of the list. The beggars should always be at the bottom. Each line should have at least a Requestor, a due date, and a status, add another column or two as relevant to your process.

When someone brings work they wish to dump on you look up at the board and point like a teacher - ask “What’s your due date?” Then it’s clear to all if you have too many projects in the same time period. “I can put you on the bottom of the list, but there’s a good chance it won’t get done by then.”

Status them by e-mail or memo (soemthing you can prove happened, not a verbal conversation) a few days before the deadline (or however long is reasonable in your business) that you have not been able to get to their work yet, and they may wish to find another solution.

Also, there are some really good assertiveness trainings out there. I strongly suggest finding one. I completely disagreee with the idea that you just “are” unassertive and there’s no way to change it. What you see around you seems to be a combination of Passive-aggression and Aggression. Assertiveness is an entirely different set of skills, and they certainly can be learned.

Those skills will serve you well no matter where you go, and you are unlikely to ever get on the Management Track without them.

The bullying is another matter entirely. I recommend this book: “You Can’t Say That to Me.” http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Say-That-Me/dp/0471003999/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283446369&sr=1-1 it’s an excellent reference and functional guide to dealing with verbally abusive people.

Good on you for keeping the job search up! It’s really tough to keep your self-esteem high enought when stuck in a depressing situation. Please don’t let up, and remind yourself each morning in the mirror, “I am better than this, and I will not resign myself to it.”

But also keep being smart. Don’t allow them to bully you into leaving before you have a new job waiting. A good friend once told me “Dont’ let the @$$holes take food out of your mouth.” Very wise advice.

[sherrylynn]

[QUOTE]
[Me: So if I’m really busy I can ask (manager above me) for help?

/QUOTE]

Just this - delegating up is almost always a bad idea.
You can ask your manager to prioritize your tasks with you, or, better yet, to approve the prioritized list that you have already compiled. Then, they know exactly how much work you have on your plate -

[B.Serum]

Have you tried reciprocating to regain the workload balance?

If they’re giving you work, and you’re all a “team,” then you should be able to do the same to them. If they balk, (1) you can repeat the boss’ line of being a team and remind them that you’ve helped them out, and (2) hear how they say “no” and use identical phrasing back to them the next time they try to give you their work in the future.

[kayT]

@pbbth

You need to use what I call The Politeness Sandwich! You know you need to say no to people but you are afraid of causing issues in the work place which means you have to wrap that no in a pretty little package to make it easier to accept and harder to return to you.

This is the best advice in the thread, I think. It’s followed by a perfect example of how to do this (the rest of post 20). This is by far the best way to learn to say no. After you do it for a while you will get to the point of just saying, no, I don’t have time this week, sorry. But baby steps. Compliment, say no and compliment again. “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down,” you know.

[astro]

@Amazon_Floozy_Goddess

Thanks for all the good advice so far, but:

@astro

Per this quote below it’s obvious the OP feels persecuted and despite acknowledging an assertiveness issue (in the thread title) does not understand why her boss is reacting the way she is. The Boss may be jackass for all sorts of reasons, but given the scenario presented by the OP, the OP is frankly coming across as an annoying crybaby who needs her hand held because the other kids aren’t playing fair in terms of parsing out the workload. In the bosses head she’s supposed to wade into that scrum and …do what exactly? Tell everyone to be nice to AMG? Micro manage the workflow and parsing out of assignments? Take over and mediate the interpersonal communication and expectations of the group? There lot’s of work to be done and having to be playground monitor for a group of professional adults is annoying.

At some point you have to expect people to act like adults and be able to say “no” if something is unreasonably oppressive. There are strategies to do this and some people have outlined several ways to go about this. The OP needs to understand this is really her issue, not the bosses.

Whoa, whoa. First, in my 8 years there, this is only the second time I have ever complained about anything. In the past I have always got along well with everyone at work, and gone above and beyond the call of duty (the reason for the better than average reviews). I was the sole manager, buyer, and employee of a small art store there for 6 of my 8 years, which is gone only because the art department could no longer afford to fund it. So “annoying crybaby” is something I am not.

I have said no to these bullies -which is what they are being- before, but when I do, they’re nastier to me. Who would want to make their unpleasant workplace even more unpleasant? That’s why I’ve been taking a spoonful of bullshit, so I won’t have to deal with a bucket. What I’m basically asking is how I can, if there’s even a way, to avoid the spoonful or deal with it so it doesn’t happen again. You’re not giving any advice so much as you’re being insulting and judgmental.

I don’t know you personally from Adam’s off ox. I’m telling you how you’re *coming across *to your harried boss, not judging your soul. You can call it “insulting”, but I’m telling you point blank how you sound to your manager based on the scenario you painted. You’re presenting your boss with the observation that you feel oppressed and bullied within the somewhat nebulous free form, collaborative interaction style that the work flow is based on.

Tell me exactly what you think she should do re wading in to solve your problem? What concrete steps she should take?

[CutterJohn]

You need to adopt a distracted, semi psychotic, if-i-get-one-more-assignment-i-may-just-come-to-work-packing air while at work. Relax a bit on the personal grooming, maybe incorporate a nervous tick into your repertoire, and get a little mumbling while rocking back and forth in front of the computer action going.

Should keep people off your back.
But seriously, just say No. It gets easier the more you do it. People ask you to help them out because you help them out when asked. If you didn’t do this, they wouldn’t ask, or would only ask when it was really important(which is also when you should actually help). Someone asks you to do something, just whip out a ‘Sorry dude, I’m fucking swamped’.

This isn’t confrontational, just a statement of fact.

[Lakai]

A timely article on Lifehacker:

Use the Power of a Positive No to Focus on What Really Matters

[Amazon_Floozy_Goddess]

@sandra_nz

I think it’s very hard to change the type of person you are within a workplace where you are known for being a pushover. So I would suggest looking for a new job to give yourself a fresh start. However, you need to start preparing yourself to make changes in the way you deal with and approach people.

I’m not sure how old you are, but you remind me a lot of myself when I was first starting out in the working world. <snip>

As I mentioned in my OP, I’ve already been looking for over a year. There’s plenty of openings for researchers and nuclear physicists where I work, but so far none have been for anything below that. I’m searching every week when they post the new jobs.

I’m 30. I’ve been in my current job for 8 years and it’s full time. It’s not my first job, I had 2 part-time jobs when I was in school.

I know assertiveness is an option, my difficulty is that I don’t know where to draw the line between be being a pushover and me being an asshole. I don’t know where the middle ground is. The other problem I have is that my emotions show on my face, this is involuntary and unconscious. If I’m upset but smiling and acting happy, people have told me they can still tell I’m upset. I have no idea what to do about that. So even if I act cool, people will still be able to tell I’m anxious, which seems to just be setting me up for failure.

Also this isn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with assholes at work. My former boss was sexually harassing and emotionally abusive to me and several other girls in my department. Despite multiple complaints, it still took 4 YEARS before they finally fired him. My current boss, although he has never treated me that way, was in big trouble several years ago for stealing several thousand dollars worth of merchandise from one of our stores. Police were involved. Despite this, the horrible department head defended him and he avoided reprimand or charges, and is still there years later. The people who saw him stealing have quit their jobs since, because they were so sickened by how it was brushed under the rug. The department head has ‘friends’ in HR, so going to them for anything usually doesn’t get you anywhere. The only reason creepo boss got fired is because so many people complained that they couldn’t keep it a secret anymore, and got scared.

This is the kind of place I work for. I’m doing my best to get out into something else. The only reason I can’t leave is because the pay, benefits and pension are the only things ensuring some sort of a future for me.

[Amazon_Floozy_Goddess]

Btw, I am writing down points from all the advice in this thread to read over. There’s a lot to digest and I’m trying to figure out where to start in applying it.

[Cat_Whisperer]

My rule of thumb for assertive behaviour - don’t step on anyone else’s toes, and don’t let anyone step on yours. If someone asking you for help at work doesn’t step on your toes at all, it isn’t problem behaviour. If someone at work is calling you a rude name or talking to you in a belittling fashion, that IS stepping on your toes, and you are within your rights as a human being to call them on it.

[Scuba_Ben]

@Amazon_Floozy_Goddess

I know assertiveness is an option, my difficulty is that I don’t know where to draw the line between be being a pushover and me being an asshole. I don’t know where the middle ground is.

This, I know all too well.

The line between being a pushover and being an asshole is whether you are being nasty to other people (aggressive, aka “asshole”) or being nasty to yourself (nonassertive, aka “pushover”, aka “victim of the assholes”).

The first, hard lesson is that the third option is NOT a middle ground, but a completely different direction: Assertive, aka “healthy,” aka “standing up for yourself.”

Much like The Matrix, a nonassertive person generally cannot be shown the assertive option; they have to experience it for themselves to understand how it is a different direction.

Good luck, AFG.

[Voyager]

@Lakai

If you want them to stop being nasty then call them out on their BS. Bullies won’t change unless you stomp on their necks. It’s not your fault that they’re nasty, and you don’t deserve any of their shit. They are responsible for their own work and if they are too unhappy to deal with it then they should quit. They shouldn’t rely on you to do the work for them.

I know you’re looking for a non-confrontational way to deal with this, but you’ve tried going to your boss and that didn’t work. You could try some of the office jujitsu suggested by Cat Whisperer, but if that doesn’t work then start being tough.

I’ve never seen this kind of confrontation work. Bosses usually don’t want to get in the middle of a fight. This boss in particular clearly doesn’t want to. pbbth gave an excellent and easy to implement way of saying no. It is easy for the person wanting to dump their work on her to say “we were just trying to get the company’s work done. She could have just said no.”

[lindsaybluth]

@pbbth

You need to use what I call The Politeness Sandwich! You know you need to say no to people but you are afraid of causing issues in the work place which means you have to wrap that no in a pretty little package to make it easier to accept and harder to return to you. It goes like this:

Complimentary Bun
“No” Filling
Complimentary Bun

When someone comes to you and says, “Hey, I need to you do X by Thursday. I am super swamped!” your response should be, “Wow, I am so flattered that you thought of me for this! I appreciate your vote of confidence in my abilities but unfortunately I have to get Y and Z done by Thursday myself. Can you believe how busy we’ve been lately? I’m sorry I am not able to take that off of your plate for you but I know you are a master at X and I’m sure you will do a heck of a job!” This way you’ve been incredibly sweet and kind but still managed to say no and you’ve made a big deal about how good they are at their job so they are less likely to indicate that they, in fact, suck at their job by trying to pawn their work off on you again. For people who are known to be affable and kind just saying, “Sorry, I can’t” can seem jarring to others who aren’t used to hearing them be so assertive and can come across as almost antagonistic. Wrapping your refusal in complimentary language often makes people feel like you’ve done them a favor by telling them you can’t help them out. I use this technique all the time and it is crazy effective, I promise.

I am pretty sure that pbbth is literally the most polite and diplomatic - yet firm - person I’ve met on the board or in real life. This is impressive, and something I strive for in real life. It sounds great for the OP.