I need some good, humorous, Doper-approved jokes and stories.

As you may (but probably didn’t) read in the last thread I started, I have a morning radio show with a friend here on campus. Tomorrow, though, he will have to miss the show, as he’s travelling to Ohio to compete in the NCAC championships. So, I’ll be on the show by myself. This is tougher than you might imagine, so I was hoping some dopers out there would have some good stories to tell, and give me permission to tell over the radio to help me fill time and amuse my listeners. Any takers?

I don’t know what kind of stories you’re looking for…but we ordered pizza the other night, and my son was pointing at the picture on the box and saying “Peepee!” I kept repeating “Pizza, Joe, pizza”, and he kept pointing at the box and saying “Peepee!” My gramma got mad at me when I gave up and said, jokingly, “Here, eat your peepee.”

You can talk about that on your show. I won’t sue. But I’m nowhere near you, I think, I don’t know, where are you? I want to listen… :frowning:

Well, there was the one about the father of one of my Dad’s coworkers. Details are a little fuzzy, but from what I remember…

…Coworker’s father was an SFPD cop, in about the mid-50s. One night, he and his partner got called down to the Wax Museum (I think it was at Pier 39, or thereabouts, by then.) after a burglar alarm went off.

Well, the place was closed up for the night, and most of the lights were out. I *think *that the museum’s owner had shown up to let the cops in by then. Anyway, coworker’s father (CF, from now on, because I’m tired of typing.) went to take a look around, and ended up tripping over something in the dark, and hit the ground. And when he looked up, he saw the backlit sillouette of a man looming over him hands poised like claws, looking like he was ready to jump CF. More than a little scared, CF pulled his revolver, and ordered the man to back away—no response. So, fearing for his life, CW shot him—with no effect. He then proceeded to empty his gun into the figure.

CW’s partner, by now, had heard the commotion, runs into the room, and sees his partner flat on the ground, shooting at an attacker. So, CW’s partner draws his gun, and shoots the attacker a few times, too.

The museum owner, hearing al this, manages to get all the lights turned on…

…Revealing Bela Lugosi’s Dracula, standing in his usual spot in the “hall of horrors,” with about 12 smoking holes in his torso.

I think it turned out that the burglar alarm was a false alarm, to boot.

So, how’s that?

Yeah, you’re a good distance away, Spongemom. I’m in Crawfordsville, IN. There is a rumored webcast of the show, but nobody can seem to find it or get it to work. Still, thanks for the submissions so far, they both sound like something I can (and will) use; I’m about to go on air right now, wish me luck!

Can you record it somehow so I can hear it?

So are you Gaff or Gallagher? Or did I read the schedule wrong?


Not a story but a joke I’ve been wanting to tell for a while:

An American general and a Russian general are arguing about whos military is better.

Russian general: Oh yeah? Well each Russian soldier gets at least 2000 calories a day!
American general: Hah! Each American soldier gets at least 4000 calories a day!
Russian General: Bullshit! No soldier can eat two sacks of potatoes in one day.

Since it’s probably too late, here’s a joke you wouldn’t have been able to use anyway:

A Jewish guy is running through the forest as fast he can. 50 yards behind him and gaining fast is a very hungry bear. Finally, the guy realizes that there is no way he can outrun the bear, so he stops, falls to his knees, and recites the traditional prayer every Jew should say before they die, the Sh’mah.

He finishes the prayer and opens his eyes, and there before him is the bear, on it’s knees, front paws clasped together, apparently praying as well.

“Wow,” thinks the guy, “a praying bear! I wonder what it’s saying?”

He gets up and walks over to the bear and hears the bear say “Chamotzi lechem meen ha’aretz!”*

*the end of the Jewish prayer traditionally recited before meals

That website is horribly out of date, Danalan. It hasn’t been updated since 2003, most of those DJ’s have graduated. Our show is called the Arson show, combing our names (Aaron & Nelson). As far as recording it, I have an idea as to how to go about that. I’ll try it when we come back on after spring break. I’m also going to refer back to this thread to get to the posts I didn’t get to. Luckily, callers kept me busy, so I didn’t get to use too many of them. Nothing against your stories, but I just really enjoy callers and knowing people are listening. I suppose any of you could call in, it would just be long-distance for a show you can’t listen to. If you have a burning desire to call in, e-mail to arsonshow at yahoo dot com (except, you know, put the @'s and the .'s in the appropriate places) and ask for the number. I’m not sure I should post the number straight to here, even though it might be on the website Dana linked to.

There’s a small park near downtown frequented by waterfowl of all types. The other day I was walking by when this duck flew into my knee! No clue what he ws thinking. He fell on his ass, of course. I kept on walking, but my knee hurt. I was feeling a little sorry for my poor knee until I realized it could’ve been worse…stupid duck could’ve flown into my HEAD, you know? Man, that would suck. Killed by a duck. I could just imagine the epitaph on my headstone…

She Should Have Ducked.