Well, I guess I started young. I share the story of many young parents. My mother who had just gotten me home from the hospital, decides that I naturally must need my diapers changed. She was about 5 minutes too soon because as soon as that cold air hit me I was off like a wet willy sprinkler, covered her and my bedroom. She basically just got out of the way and gave up. I still get yelled at about this.
I also share the story where a gust of wind causes duress amongst drunken friends. A group of us were out camping, drinking copious amounts of beer. We all saunter off to the lake together, mainly because we’d designated this 15 foot drop off as the bathroom for the night. Hey we’re drunk guys, we got a kick out of pissing for time and distance. Anyways, I’m upwind of 3 other guys and we all let fly, its cool and a wind gusts up. I guess over the sound of the splashing on the water below no one noticed that my piss was getting blown about 12 feet to my left and behind me, right where the other guys lined up. They were not pleased for the rest of the night, and my laughing didn’t help any. But come on, I got all 3 of them at once! Well, it goes without saying that the next trip to the pisser I found myself getting heaved into the water below.
And my last one is also similar to Jack’s (hey, whoever said anything about originality!). The main strip of bars in college was a pretty heavily traveled area on the weekends with people walking to and from bars. On the corner between most of the dorms and bars theres a hedged in empty lot, the hedges follow the sidewalk at about stomach height on two sides, the other two sides are brick walls of buildings.
All the bars let out at the same time, so theres a huge rush of people and me and three friends are coming out after a very heavy night of drinking. We decide that 25 feet from the bar we should have pissed first, and of course decide to hop the hedges for a squirt. It was pretty common considering the location. We do forget that the location doesn’t offer much in the way of privacy because as you face either wall, there are people no less than 20 feet away with a clear view of your profile and package.
In this dense rowdy crowd its inevitable that someone is going to call us out, in this case it was a group of 3-4 girls. My friends were a little rattled by this and finished up quickly, but my bladder just had to do its thing. The girls were giggling and yelling at me, asking “what I was doing?”. My drunk loud sarcastic ass decides that I could give a shit who wants to watch me, so I answer “I’m jacking off, you wanna come help?”. Well, its at about this point I hear my friend who’s now across the hedges telling me to get the hell out of there and shut up. I ignore it and finish my deed, only to stagger my drunk 18 year old ass over the hedges, and as soon as i get my bearings I feel a hand grabbing my arm. Yup, it was a cop. He starts asking for my ID and is giving me the riot act about indecency and public urination. He’s trying to pull me towards his squad car and I start to pull away. I ask him what I did wrong, and deny that I was pissing. He yells that he just watched me do it. In my drunken state, this line of defense seemed logical…“You couldn’t see anything but my back, I wasn’t over there pissing, I was masturbating! Just ask those girls!” The cop freezes, and is left completely speechless, during which time I yank my arm away and cross the street to catch my intentionally distant friends. I’m not sure why, but he decided it wasn’t worth the trouble and gave up. We laughed pretty fucking hard on the walk home. The next morning I realized that I was underage, drunk, profane and beligerant to a cop, and possibly resisting arrest…all over a piss.