Well, my car personally controls the floodgates… Specifically, the cranks that move the windows up and down. Four years of consistent observations confirm this. When I park and leave the windows in the up/closed position, the skies may be gray and heavy with portent but not a drop will moisten the earth. Should I move the crank, even slightly, the brightest, clearest, most cloud-free sky darkens, and lo, the rains fall from on high. An interesting corollary to this phenomenon is that the rain falls at an increasing angle to perpendicular with the decreasing width of the gap between top of window and top of window frame. Windows opened an inch or less result in driving, horizontal rain, while windows at some midpoint or all the way down cause merely a steady drop, drop, drop, with no or very little crosswind.
I hear you thinking, ‘Very civil little pit rant you’ve got going on here, Miss Davis. Now get to the point.’
Okay…(warning severe language follows)
Well, back the fuck up, you goddam troglodite golf-ball-sized-hail-felching weather gods! Just what do you cum gargling pieces of filth think you’re doing? Is this just some carbuncled ass-bleeding funny joke of which I am the triply reamed butt? Why must my motherfucking windows be your harbinger of pissing rain doom? Does my little car showing a bit of upholstry make you hot? Have to give us all a cold shower to calm your filthy perverted weather god urges? Your pussy cumulonimbus clouds are raining on my fucking parade. I don’t need this kind of power, you saggy-titted meteorological whores – so stop fucking with me already! Jesus Christ, if you cloudy bitches need to drop a load, just do it! Don’t wait for my small-dog-balling windows to be down. You and your stupid assed rain storms are a cancerous polyp on the anus of my day.
On the upside, though, my colleagues are guaranteed a daily one-woman wet tee shirt contest. :rolleyes:
Wow, I was feeling so very bad about this situation… you see… well, my neighbors have a habit of “hogging” the parking spaces in front of my home… and even though I try so hard to draw the very horrible power of my mind elsewhere… the rain (or my putting up the springing flow of my sprinklers) just POUNDS DOWN on to their cars! Very often, due to the heat, they leave the windows DOWN and golly gee! My sprinklers just spew all over their cars! It really is a “pisser”. I’m so glad that it’s “all your fault.” That really helps me…
It’s amazing how much water can get into a car with an open window… especially when that car is “hogging” space… isn’t it strange? Now, don’t get me wrong… you know me… I TRIED to do the nice thing and talk to them about it and, wow! They told me to do stuff to myself in Spanish that is physically impossible (they didn’t realize that I understand Spanish)… but I DID have to give them points on creativeness!
I just hope they understand that what they told me to do with my head can only be done with a hose into their car. I’m sure, after such an event, they will THEN understand that hogging space is a very nasty idea… yeah, after a visual aid I’m sure they will “get” it. And please, don’t give me this “you’re so racist” shit… I wasn’t the first to draw in this… I went over there, arms open, welcoming them to our neighborhood… they slammed the door in my face and in Spanish, told me to “piss of and go fuck myself”… how… enchanting.
I acted like I didn’t get it and tried again to make friends… yeah, right… I got smacked in the head with a soccer ball… and they all RAN AWAY after they hit me with it! Apparently, this is a fun game… I’m SO happy to play… now, when can I bash out THEIR windows?
And this is why I wear a little amulet symbolizing Thor around my neck. No pansy ass multi-tasking turn-the-other-cheek yet bring-me-100-foreskins diety for me. No way.
Keep the bastard who controls the rain, thunder, and lightning happy. I mean, the guy eats his goats every night, then resurrects them in the morning and makes him pull him around town!
I’m sorry Byz - I must have misunderstood you. For a moment there I could have sworn you said that as retribution for your neighbours having the temerityto park over more than one space, you put a hose through their car window and turned the tap on!
Now obviously noone with any semblance of humanity would actually do such a thing - and in particular noone would even consider boasting about it - so you must enlighten me as to what actually transpired.
Okay, based on field reports from Xizor, Feynn, and Byz (who also appears to have sprinkler power), I must re-assess my theory. It would appear I do not, in fact, control all the floodgates of the heavens. Hows about I control the floodgates over west central GA and east central AL? You guys and others like you are responsible for the rest. Tevya, we’ll try to network and put you in contact with the person in your area. Just in case, though, I kept my windows up yesterday for you.
