I Pit Death

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The most cliched pitting of all time, right? Nobody can possibly bring any original insight to bear. Still, it sucks…

It wasn’t a family member, just an old childhood friend, and one I’d been out of touch with for a while at that, and yet I’m finding myself upset about it now (a day after having originally heard about it (a motorcycle accident); I was totally fine yesterday, and then today, reflecting on various memories, I found myself unexpectedly crying, of all things). Weird. I dunno. I feel embarrassed about it; I haven’t even seen the guy in three years, and even before that, it’s not like we were ever really close friends, as such. So why should I have an emotional reaction? I don’t know. I didn’t originally.

I’ve thought about it before, which friends and acquaintances (old and current) I might have some significant reaction to the deaths of and which I would be sorry to hear about but quickly able to shrug off. Almost everyone always went onto the latter list (except for family and one childhood best friend (this one’s cousin, actually)), but it was never tested till now.

I chose not to go to the funeral; I’ve never been to one before, and I thought it would be terribly awkward, having to see all the relatives and wanting to catch up with them but it being totally the wrong situation, and fearing paralysis by the the emotional superchargedness of the context and having to see how utterly destroyed they must be. I seized the first minor conflict I had to use as a justifying excuse (not that anyone was asking, but to justify to myself). I’m feeling guilty about that now. There were other reasons I thought the funeral would be awkward as well, but I recognize that they’re all stupid.

The weird thing, like I said, is that I found everything out yesterday morning, and I only started having any real reaction today. Yesterday went exactly the way I always thought these things would go. And I’m now imagining it’ll be back to that soon enough. I guess, right now, having just read a whole bunch of memorial stuff, I’m sadder than I should be for a guy I could easily have gone the rest of my life never again having any significant interaction with. (Even though we’ve lived in the same area for three years! We’d sporadically make vague plans to eventually do something together, then never follow through. I feel stupid about that now, even though it’s 20/20 hindsight.)

Yeah, I dunno. This is like a write-only post. It’s like I want to talk about it, but couldn’t take the strain of talking to anyone actually relevant to the situation (in particular, his family). But I really should’ve gone to that funeral. That’s where everyone gets their closure, right? Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be fine again tomorrow.

2

Human beings are weird when it comes to death. For an extreme example, take Michael Jackson’s death. On June 24th (the day before he died), no major celebrity in the world was talking about how great he was or how much his music meant to them. The next day, and now 5 months later, overwrought fans are still coming out of the celebrity woodwork, and “This Is It” is being praised as a triumph (CNN’s review). I myself hadn’t given much thought to Michael Jackson since I was a child and adored his music until he died. Now I’m actually sad when I think about it.

I think your case is quite typical. You don’t have to have had a deep emotional relationship with someone to be sad-to-the-point-of-crying sad at their death. As trite as it sounds, death makes us reflect on our own mortality, and in your case, there is the added factor that you were a childhood friend of his. IANA psychologist, but I think there’s something to the notion that his death could be a symbol of the death of a part of your childhood.

I’ve read your posts before, and I don’t imagine you are very fond of the touchy-feely psychobabble that often comes with discussing death. I’m a statistician by training, so I don’t go for it much either. But sometimes, in a great while, some elements of psychology really hit home.

3

Moved from The BBQ Pit to Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share.

Gfactor
Pit Moderator

4

It could have been you - do you suppose that’s what’s getting to you? I can dig that. The deaths of all my grandparents - uh, not great, but no huge deal. The death of my father? We were estranged so again no huge deal, but each layer of generation that gets stripped away puts me closer to my own time in the clearing at the end of the trail, and it’s starting to get real for me. But things hit you how they hit you - this one is hitting home for you.

You probably should have gone to the funeral. Better to deal with these emotions than live in fear of them. Going to funerals is to pay your respects; no one likes them, no one wants to go, but we do it anyway.

5

Yes, thinking about it myself, I reached a similar conclusion (that much of my eventual reaction had to with how, for me, he was connected to a certain part of my childhood, and the thoughts provoked by that).

Anyway, I’m ok now. I mean, it still sucks (and I’m still kicking myself for missing the funeral), but nothing that can be done about that.