No, not the actual Jesus Christus of the Vulgate Bible! I wouldn never insult or slander Him. I’m talking about the falsified Christ, the lying messiah of the modern Amuricun Christian, to wit:
Jesus H. Christ!
You wave a flag you fly at half mast when George W. Bush is constipated on the can. You are God, and your colors sure as hell don’t run! You wrote the Dick and Jane books back in the “good old days,” and you also mixed a mean martini.
My dad was Catholic, but you got to him, too. You told him jackin’ off was a sin! Do you smoke a bong? A spliff, hmm? No, but drinking’s OK, unless you’re one of those fucking Baptists with no lipstick and no dancing. It’s goddamn fucking unreal.
How many “Christian” girls out there reading “Left Behind, The Series” and not putting out because they’re saving themselves for marriage, just because Jesus H. Christ told them to? (Like he isn’t sticking his nose right into those crotches with all the omnipotence he has to muster?!) I dated one of them (oral was OK, go figure).
You fucking hypocrite sack of shit! Intelligent design is bullshit, mutherfucker! You wanna pretend you respect science but tell me that dicklodocus fucked a wooley mammoth when he couldn’t get his rocks off otherwise! That’s goddamn fucking impossible, but what the fuck, huh? How come there’s monkey’s when we evolved from monkey’s. Great argument, you dick-sucking ball of sexual frustration.
Here’s the ultimate argument against Moronic Design: Even if you can show that “something else” was required to create life, or an organ, whatever, it sure as fuck wasn’t you who did it, mutherfucker! You’re a Jack Chick tract cartoon, you fucking liar! Haw haw haw!
And what’s with the goddamn FISHES here and there telling me you’re a “Christian business.” My experience: Run from those fuckers! “Oh, but God’s blessing me, and I tithe, and look at the fishie!” In reality, those Christian businessmen are some of the skanikiest fuckers I’ve ever encountered. Real charlatans, blessed by Jesus H. himself!
A real Jesus would tell us to fuck more and drink better beer. All Jesus H. does is piss on the Human Parade while borrowing Allah’s virgins for a bang. It’s fucking bullshit, and it’s got to stop. Bring back the real Jesus–that mutherfucker turned water into wine and could PARTY without shame or guilt. A Democrat to boot!