Cognoscant, I don’t post much but want you to know I was thinking of you today. I’m glad to hear you are hanging in there, and even taking steps to mitigate the situation you are finding so unbearable. I think a lot of people who don’t have first-hand experience with depression don’t realize how terribly difficult it can be to do this.
Your project gone bad really resonated with me. I had one of those a few months ago, went into full anxiety mode and lost a few nights’ sleep I couldn’t afford because it was on top of a bunch of other background anxiety. My best friend predicted, correctly, that in the great swamp of things that go wrong in my company, my particular fiasco would be forgotten in a matter of days. She was right. Sounds like the same effect is operating where you are. You’re probably trying to function inside a live-action Dilbert cartoon. Treat it accordingly.
Is the conference a networking opportunity? The idea is of course loathsome, but if you are looking around anyway . . .
If Cognoscant has shared location information, I’ve missed it. On the off chance that you happen to be in Atlanta, I might be able to help. If you live elsewhere, there are possibly others than can do so.
For the record, I run a BI division, am very active in the local BI community, and have a pretty good idea of the types of things that can help you get in the door. Hell, I even teach a SQL class to employees from any department in our company.
Sorry I haven’t written back in a while. My computer died–ironically while it was being fixed–and so I am typing this on a replacement.
Seems my work career takes steps forward and steps back all the time. For the last few days I have been panicking about my current job. The f-up that I had that I thought I would get in trouble for, then I didn’t get in trouble for, I finally did get in trouble for. And on top of that I am fearful about work I haven’t done in the past coming back to bite me. I ended up working seven hours today trying to get myself caught up, and I will probably work another hour tonight on this replacement machine. I am meeting with the consultant on Wednesday and it is going to take all my work to not say–I need help. I don’t know if I can do this job any more. Things are just getting so out of control…I feel like my management, my research, my programming, my writing, every other skill I have is lacking and I’m falling behind on. I’m second-guessing everything and everyone these days, especially myself. I’m pretty much hiding from my boss these days, hoping he doesn’t see or want to talk to me.
And yet…I actually had an interview last week with a job closer to home. This all started when I was at the conference, and I got a phone call from an area code near there. They wanted to do a phone interview on Tuesday, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking garage. I was sweaty, I thought I had done a horrible job…and then on Friday they called wanting to do an interview in person! They will pay for me to fly up there and for a hotel. I am stunned, I thought I had really bunged up the phone interview! Now there are two other candidates, so it is not obviously certain that I will get the job. But the fact that they are willing to pay for me to go…It is a good sign.
And there is other good news. A former co-worker tipped me off about an opening coming up near home. It does not pay as well as the other job, but it is something I know I can do and it would help me train more in SQL In case I do want to move into another field. I guess it does pay off to be nice to people you work with sometimes–although I always try to do that, I don’t do it just for another job.
It is just as well those two things are going on, because the headhunters have not helped at all so far. I have not found even a job I could apply for through them.
DMC, I will PM you later on the BI skills. It is a field I would like to move into, which I have been dabbling at for some time.
Cog, I’m glad that things are looking up for you. I really am.
If you would, can we get a little more background on the wife front? You’ve said that you’re bipolar, depression, and so on. Prior to this, how has she handled your cycles? I just recently divorced after 5 years of marriage, and she was severely bipolar. Walking into the relationship, I thought that I was going to be able to ride through all the changes easily. I was wrong.
And I had working experience with it. My mother[sup]*[/sup] was an undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar her whole life (well, most of it…she seriously wigged out when my dad died in 2001, even though they’d been divorced for 15 years or so). She attempted suicide at least 4 times that I know of. She (and my ex-wife) battled drug/alcohol problems.
My point is that, in regards to your wife (and I don’t know her, so I am not going to speak for her), is part of the tension between you two because she just doesn’t know how to cope? You’re seeing a therapist, which I congratulate you for. Marriage counselling seems like a great idea, too. But it would probably also be in everyone’s best interests if she had some individual therapy, too.
I’ve taken Paxil for years. With me, it was just a few days before I felt results. And if I stop taking them, it takes about 3-4 before I start feeling edgy again. I know it can be hard, but you have to be patient.
[sup]*RIP Mom. We found her dead in her kitchen floor yesterday afternoon[/sup]
There was so much I was going to write today about how my day went but I can’t write it without thanking Superdude for his kind words while he is going through so much. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, I can’t even imagine what you are going through at this time. Consider this a big hug and a word of prayer for you and your family.
I should answer your question about what is going on between me and my wife regarding my bipolar disorder though. I know she is losing a lot of weight worrying about me and how I am doing here. She is strugging with my highs and lows, as you probably can imagine from your own experience. Recently it has been much more lows than highs and that is very hard for her. She always thinks the best of me, and that has been hard for her to handle when things do not go well at work–she thinks that I am always in the right, and I am not, and it is hard for her (and for me to be honest) to know when it is reality and when it is my depression/bipolar talking. I think one of the hard things for her is that she never sees or hears me being happy any more. Between being away from her and work problems I am not so happy any more, and I am not very good at putting on a brave face. I’m not sure if this makes things any clearer. I’ve tried my best to hang on to what I have with my job but I don’t know how much longer I can do so.
Enough about me for the time being though. I hope that you are doing OK Superdude, and I hope you check in again soon.
First of all, thanks to everyone for the kind words. It means a lot.
Second, I didn’t want to make this about me.
Third, I think that a few conversations with your wife about exactly how low things are with you and your situation may help. One of the things that is going to make you feel better is to get back with your family and your support system. Even if you have to flip burgers to start with, being close to your family will do wonders for you.
I’m an EMT. I have to deal with a lot of people who have problems worse than you and I. Here’s something that I tell them when it’s appropriate:
Ted Williams. One of the greatest hitters in the history of baseball. Last person ever to hit .400 in a season. And baseball fans and sportswriters laud him as potentially that greatest hitter ever.
Hitting .400 in a season means that, during his best season, he still failed 60% of the time.
Let that sink in. The greatest still failed more than he succeeded.
To an extent, the problems that you and your wife are having are a matter of perspective. And I think fighting those demons together is an all-important first step.
You twist my heart, Cognoscant. I don’t know that I have anything to help you but I’ll be thinking about you, and worrying about you. Please listen to the good advice provided here and take care of yourself.
On Wednesday my boss called me into his office. He ranted at me about the same things he has been ranting about for a while, but this time he threatened me with demotion unless I “started being a director” and stopped “sitting at my desk working so much” (yes that is a concern of his). I asked him for some measurables, and what success at being a director would look like. Of course he refused to answer this. Everything I have done has been criticized by him–if I or the team do something bad I get the blame for it, if my team does something good it is ignored, if I do something good I am asked why I did not do it earlier.
The consultant had been here last week. She suggested that pretty much everything I do will be taken away from me–all the reports I write, all the management I have done. I don’t know what the future holds for my job. I am going to talk to HR today about what I can do…honestly there isn’t much I can do at this point other than go along with everything, and step up my job search back home.
Fortunately, that is going well. I have my interview with one job on June 1. And the other job I am working on I got some good news about, the boss there got my resume and is “very interested” in me, I am calling my friend who is helping me with that job tonight. I hope that one of those jobs will pan out soon, because things are rapidly declining here.
I sincerely hope you get that new job soon: close to home, and with a boss who isn’t a jerk! How does Mr. Smart expect you to “direct” if he’s the first one who doesn’t direct you?
Good for you for standing up for yourself and asking for measurables. Sounds like it’s time to start documenting everything (if you haven’t already).
After you finish a meeting, put together an email and send it off to him. Here’s what I got from our meeting, you want me to do x, y and z. Is that correct?
Glad to hear you’ve got some action on the job front back at home. I’m thinking of you.
I got more good news on the job front today. A job close to home opened up and the HR director from the organization called me (!) I have a phone interview next week and if that goes well I will fly home to interview with them in person probably the first week of June. Of course I am already flying back for one interview on June 1, so I might be doing a lot of flying very soon. I am particularly happy about the job I heard about today because I got that interview through a connection from my old job. When a colleague of mine was laid off, I had gone in on a Saturday and helped him move his things from his office. Now it turns out two years later he is at this organization and forwarded my name on to the HR director and he mentioned that when I talked to him a couple of nights ago. It is nice that it really does pay off to be nice to people. Sometimes I forget that.
My boss at my current job still is not giving me measurables on what he wants me to do. It is increasingly frustruating. He is asking me to “employ best practices and talk to other institutions about what they do”…which I have been doing. He wants me “to talk more to staff”…which I have been doing. He wants me to go to more meetings…which I do, reluctantly, even though very little good comes from them. Other than that he is not too sure about what I am not doing as a leader, other than look like a leader. But personality-wise I am just a very different person to him, and I don’t think anything I do is really going to look leader-like to him as long as he has already decided I am not much like a leader. I think he realizes that I am going to go. I don’t think he’ll be too surprised if I do.
So right now I am trying to be cool about the two job opportunities. I am excited that I have interviews with both places and have good vibes about both of them. Things do seem to be looking up on those fronts.
Hi Cogno, sorry to be out of the loop for so long but first a contract job and then life got in the way. I want to know how you are doing these days? Did one of the jobs come through? Are you getting family time? How are you?
