I noticed that too. I don’t have a good feeling about what happened, but I don’t know any way to reach him if he’s not logging in.
Crud. Anyone know who he is in real life and have a way to contact him?
However, when I clicked on his name, the last activity date is 12/4/2015 (a few days ago), so I’m guessing it’s not as scary as it might be.
Be calm everyone, I am still alive. Last six months have been strange. I’m at work (NEW JOB!!!) so I will post more tonight but
In good news: NEW JOB!!! Closer to home!!
In not so good news: Not very close to home. Very bad things going on at home. Struggling again with bipolar.
Will post back tonight and explain myself.
Baby steps, Cog. Don’t expect the situation to resolve itself, or to to be an easy fix. One day at a time, and all that.
Things seem to be looking up, no matter how slight.
Thanks for the update Cog. We are all still pulling for you.
Yay!!! I was worried about you. Welcome back!
What Superdude said. Baby steps. So happy to hear from you!
Just remember as Emily Litella always said “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” The struggle we call life.
I’m going to try to describe what all happened. Part of the reason it took me so long to get back is that I couldn’t find the right words to put down. Then something really bad happened, which I will explain, and that put me off for more time.
After my last post here I started working 60-70 hour weeks while still looking for two jobs back home. I was so deep in depression I would get dinner on the way home, eat while driving, and go immediately to bed. I was spending about 60-70 hours at work and 60-70 hours asleep. My boss was getting to be more and more of an ass. I was starting to figure that if I didn’t get either of the jobs I was just going to quit and go home anyway, or get fired anyway. Fortunately I ended up getting both jobs. I don’t know how it happened, both of the interviews I was on I was just going on pure adrenaline and bipolar meds. I actually got word of both jobs the same day and I picked the one I really wanted. I told my boss I was giving my two-week notice, and he said, nope, you’re going home now, clean your desk. Said goodbye to the people I supervised, all of them said “we’ll be going next.” Two of them left within three months. I lost about $2500 from him being a jerk but frankly I was so glad to be out of there I didn’t care. I had a three-week layover period–the longest I’ve been out of work since college–and slept through most of it.
Came back here, started working a few days later. Things are better. My boss here is so much better it’s night and day. The job isn’t going great but once a few political issues here get settled things will be better. Toughest part is the commute, and the hours are a bit long. I’m still out of the house for 60-70 hours a week but a lot of that is commute time.
I’m trying in my own way to rejoin society. That sounds a bit melodramatic but looking back I can’t even recognize myself. I was frankly sinking into oblivion down there. There were times when I could not even watch TV for 10 minutes straight. This is the main reason I stopped posting when I did–I could not read anything without wanting to sleep. I’m not sleeping as much as I did. I’ve started exercising, even went to a party a couple of weeks ago. I am playing video games again, bought Fallout 4 and I am managing to play for 30-60 minutes at a time. I am still having a hard time talking to friends or being out in crowds. It’s going to take a while to adjust to where I was. I realize that I went through a very dark time. It has been hard to explain to my wife how low things got. I have spared her a lot of it. Getting back together with her and my stepdaughter has not been easy. She is glad that I am home but we realize this is a marathon for us.
Something happened with my stepson. While I was living away things went downhill with him. My wife kept most of what was going on hidden from me but it was obvious when I got back that something was not right. There were signs that things had been smashed and broken around the house but nobody would talk about it. He was barely communicative with my wife and usually when he was he was being verbally abusive. When I told him to lay off he would usually fly off the handle. I figured something more was up than “teenagers being teenagers” but my wife asked me not to interfere.
I should have. I was away on a business trip about a month ago and I got a strange text from my wife at 10 am suggesting she was in trouble. I’m going to redact the details here but long story short that morning he had physically attacked her and brutally assaulted her. She managed to escape and when she was in a safe place she informed him that if he didn’t leave the house by the afternoon she was going to press charges. I told her to press charges anyway but she refused to do so. I called the cops myself and the police escorted us back to the house that evening. He and all of his stuff were gone but he had smashed up the house pretty good. As of now he is gone, we do not even know where he lives, and the police are “aware of the situation.” He has been banned from my stepdaughter’s school and our workplaces. Right now I am pretty fearful for their safety.
Since then my wife has admitted that while I was living away there were “incidents” but I haven’t heard much detail. My wife is physically OK but mentally she is hurting. My stepdaughter is torn up, she went from defending her brother 100% to never wanting to see him again. We’ve tried to do everything we could to get through this, my wife says she is OK but we have tried our best to remove all traces of our son from the house. I’ve been pretty much a goner at work. My boss knows something happened and she has been understanding. We’re living one day at a time. We’re trying to do stuff to get out of the house but at the same time I worry about our safety. We never locked the doors because we live in a safe neighborhood but we do now.
I partly blame myself for what happened but I am not sure what I could have done differently. I know my stepson didn’t like me and blamed me for a lot of stuff–almost all of which never actually happened, I don’t mean like “you could look at the situation in more than one way,” the things he claimed just had not happened period. I knew he and my wife fought a lot over things he was doing but I didn’t realize it was getting this bad. I thought the 18 months I was away would ease the situation but instead he was getting more violent, more out of control, more delusional. We took him to get help more times than we could count but he’d just end up lying to the counselor or falsely accusing us of abuse or abusing the counselor for not prescribing him enough drugs. Then he’d talk to his bio dad–who also physically abused his mom–and get whipped up into another frenzy about how his mom was ruining his life. I know it is tough being around someone who is going through problems like me but I stayed away from him, and everyone else, when I was going through the really tough times and I talked to him about how important it was to get help. I don’t know what else I could have done.
Many years ago I dated a woman who was hellbent on destroying herself. I could see that when I was with her and when she felt our relationship made her life worth living her spirit improved. But when we weren’t together her self-destruction returned, and she turned on herself, me, our relationship, and everything she could touch. I came to the realization that I could not save her. I had to walk away to save myself. This has come to pass now with my stepson. We have tried to save him, we cannot, we must walk away now to save ourselves.
This all has been very hard to write. I will come back here. I want to talk about Fallout 4, and Trump, and MST3K, and the minutiae of life, because only by doing so will I feel that I am back. I do not know when that time will be, but I will be back.
The trouble is not so much “if it’s not one thing it’s another” as when it’s one thing. And another. And another: as in this case.
Sounds like a royal mess. Sounds also like you’re dealing with it. Good for you. Sorry you have to. But thank you for writing.
Sooooo good to hear from you. I’m glad the job situation is better - it may not be perfect but it sounds like it is a million percent better - “normal” stress versus “crush your soul”.
I wonder if you could have filed for unemployment for those 3 weeks between jobs? I mean, you said “I’ll give you 2 weeks notice”, they said “go now”, which basically means they fired you without cause :D.
Home front. Oh, how awful for all of you, and how frightening. I don’t know how old your stepson is, but some people are just so messed up they’re a danger to their families. If you have not changed the locks on the house, do so immediately. Also make sure none of you is ever without a phone. Consider a restraining order if appropriate. I assume he was never actually arrested but the police might be able to put out a warrant for him for assault.
It is VERY good to hear from you. So glad you got a new job and were able to get back home.
I won’t push after this, but I endorse everything that Mama Zappa said. Change the locks, always carry phones, definitely get the restraining order. If you have pets, keep them inside.
Consider an alarm system, with 24 hour emergency response. It may be more than you need in the long run, but having the peace of mind in the short term might be worth it. I think some systems aren’t very expensive.
Talk to the police and see if there’s anything else that they suggest.
So sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
It’s good to hear from you, cogno. I’m glad about the job and that you’re back with your family, but wow. Scary stuff.
One quick note about always having a phone handy: I’m sure you know this, but most cell phones will call 911 even if the service is turned off. So if money is a factor, at least keep an old cell phone charged up and on hand. That way, you can still reach the dispatchers if need be.
I see a lot of family problems with my job. You’re thinking ahead, and covering as many bases as possible. You may not feel like it, but you’re accomplishing more than you think
Cogno, it is sad but I think you saved yourself by changing jobs. And it’s possible that your presence back home has saved your wife as well. You two have been and are going through so very much. I just think you are amazing. May you continue to walk forward and may the storm end for you (and your stepson).
Hugs and encouragement to you and your wife.
Thank you all for the kind words and support. A lot of the problems I have had have been related to loveliness. I didn’t make friends in Miami and most of the people I knew here have moved on. I’ve been getting out more here but the family problems, long hours at work, and debilitating headaches I have had since coming back have cut down on my time. Also I am still somewhat scared of being able to trust people. The job in Miami affected that too. I am stunned by how bad it was there. Every time I go to LinkedIn it seems I am getting another connection request from someone else who left.
I don’t know if we are out of the woods with my stepson. I was afraid for some time that he would come back to hurt my wife or me. My wife was still contacting him and seeing him without me knowing. I feared that he was going to try to come back to the house. Now I am less fearful of that, because she is removing ties to him and he is planning his life in another part of the country. He still could come back if things don’t work out. My stepdaughter and I are 100% against that. I think it would cause our family to break up temporarily again.
I posted a little on the boards here. Really this has been my first time back posting anywhere since I left. It has been challenging but it may be helpful for me to rejoin social life. Things were bad in Miami. I tried meeting people in various settings but I felt that nobody would want to be a friend or even an acquaintance. Things feel safer here. I want to talk about things I was doing and was interested in from years ago, from what felt like a different life, when I played sports and traveled a lot and did things which I feel now were almost done by someone else. I’ve thought about putting together a sort of “ask the former polyamorist” thread, as that was a part of my life that happened–I am not sure how now, given my extreme introversion and horrible luck with relationships–and I don’t think there’s been a lot of discussion about either here or anywhere else. It would also exorcise some demons I have about that time and perhaps some of my trust issues. I would fear being identified if I did that though. Even though that was in the past and the one person it really affects does know about it, it would cause problems if my employer or other family members knew about it. I suppose I could change some details.
I think carnut is right to say I would not have lived much longer in Miami. I was drifting away and something had to give. I am thankful that I seem to be good at job interviews. Now begins our rebuilding, myself and my family.
“Related to loveliness”! I wish! Related to loneliness. Oh foul autocorrect! And I missed the edit window too, to enshrine it
{{{{Cog}}}} Go ahead and vent about whatever is bugging you. That’s what we are here for. If writing out some past issues and getting some feedback will help, do it. You can bet most of us here will help keep the trolls at bay while you hash things out. When I was going through some stress a couple of years ago, I would try to keep a notebook or something with me all the time to write out my destructive and confusing thoughts. It really did help.
Best wishes!
I’ve been busy in the other thread but life continues. My stepson is increasingly getting in trouble and my wife continues to bail him out financially. He has racked up probably $2,000 in fines and tickets and then managed to get his car confiscated because he didn’t bother to register it. After every incident my wife says 'I am not going to help him any more" then pays for tickets and insurance anyway (of course his insurance is now through the roof). This is starting to become a real problem. Before I rated his chances at moving back at zero, now I think there is a nonzero chance. I am seriously considering moving elsewhere with my stepdaughter if that happens. My wife might make the decision for him to move back but I am not risking my safety and my stepdaughter’s safety because of that decision. He has shown no sign of being less violent and in fact is acting more impulsive and out of control.
There are times when my wife says “I wish he was dead.”. Then other times when she throws money at him like it’s water. We are not broke but this isn’t helping and it certainly isn’t teaching him responsibility. I am coming to fear my wife now, and for the first time I feel we are reaching an impasse in our marriage.
So sorry to hear it. I hope things improve.