From all that I remember you posting awhile back (like a year or more ago, IIRC), this is not the first impasse in your marriage. It’s good you’re starting to recognize them. If you leave her, I cannot help but be certain that your life would drastically improve.
It’s never too late to start caring about yourself.
I’m not sure things would get better. Firstly we do love each other so much. We had a long talk last night. She does now see that her support of her son is not helping him and he uses any cash he gets for more destructive behavior. She will cut off support as soon as we are legally able to, after various contracts run out. She thinks he is a lost cause and has come to believe that giving him money is even worse than lighting it on fire…at least then other people aren’t in danger.
We talked about going to counseling over this and she agreed, which she has never agreed to before.
But there are other reasons I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to hurt my stepdaughter, who has been hurt enough already. And I will not be OK right now on my own. I saw what happened when I was alone before and I’m not ready for that again. I can’t lean on my wife but on the other hand I do not want to leave. I do not want to be the one to leave when things get difficult. We want to be there for each other now.
Cogno, I believe you worry about stepson moving back in is legitimate. She really, really needs to cut off that support. She can wish her son well, but right now she is a crutch for his irresponsible behavior. I understand this has got to be one of the hardest things she will ever do, but if she wants to help her son, she will do it.
If you do end up moving out, by all means make your stepdaughter welcome. And your wife provided she understands that she approaches you without her son. He needs lots of help but it is obvious that the help she can provide is not the help he needs. And is probably not helping at all.
I’m glad to hear she has agreed to counseling because she needs to hear that from a professional.
Cogno, I am just amazed at all that you can do, and do do, despite your own struggles in life. You are great.
Thank you carnut. It does mean a lot to me that other people care.
One of the biggest problems I had in Miami was that I was not talking to anyone other than coworkers and my wife. My coworkers were kind of either in a mass delusion that our department was OK or in open revolt. It was like living with a giant dysfunctional family that you had to spend 8+ hours a day with and have to get things done for on top of that. When I applied for jobs I actually talked with people already working in the office just to feel out if the place was somewhat sane. Being able to talk on this board has helped a great deal.
I wonder though if I am turning this thread into a journal again. I feel this is not what the Pit or even this board is for. I think I may start taking my journaling elsewhere. I’ll keep posting on the SDMB, just not as a way of checking in.
Actually, I keep an eye on this thread to see if you’ve “checked in”. We’re surprisingly supportive, even in the Pit (Wow!), so keep it up… but if you take your literary vents elsewhere, post that here.
I think I will be stepping away a little bit again. Not for as long as last time.
I realize that the problems in my life are very serious. My mental health is getting worse and my wife and I realize I need professional help. My migraines are getting bad enough to require… Well I don’t even know, my neurologist has exhausted all normal treatment options and we are exploring experimental treatments. My stepson is in deep trouble: he has been caught with drugs in his vehicle twice in the last week (somehow avoiding jail), and got thrown out of a doctor’s office after testing positive for opiates and aggressively demanding drugs from the doctor. I feel there is no way back for him–not just the drugs but his violent, sociopathic behavior. I just hope he doesn’t hurt someone else.
Writing the polyamory thread made me realize there are unresolved problems in my life which I cannot express here. I need to find a relationship counselor who has dealt with these issues. (Ironically I know one but she happens to be Bianca. That would be awkward. Also awkward is that I got a message that it was her birthday today. Why Google decided to do that five years on is beyond me. )
I’m not sure I can handle being on several boards at once. My wife has started to get suspicious of what I am typing and I cannot find time away from her, or my job, for much longer. I feel she is moving into a post-me existence anyway.
Finally I feel that I have been censoring myself long enough. I have not been lying or anything, just leaving enough information out so that I can’t be identified by those who know me IRL. But there are some things from my past that I need to talk about. Maybe somewhere else I can censor other parts of my life. I have already been accused of humblebragging here, but as Marco Polo said on his deathbed “I have not told half of what I saw.” Maybe elsewhere I can do so.
I will be back from time to time because you all mean more to me than you can know.
Do what you need Cogno. Take care of yourself first. {{hugs}}