I pit my failure to follow my instincts

First the players:

Ex - my ex-wife
M - her daughter
JT - an old friend of mine
FT - his wife and old friend of Ex who hooked me up with Ex

Me and the Ex were married for almost 12 years. In the early part of 2007, I would notice that the Ex was quick to turn off her cell phone when I entered the room. I mentioned this to her and she dismissed it as paranoia. My paranoid instincts had paid off in the past and I couldn’t let it go. Something told me there were problems amiss. I asked the Ex if there was something wrong and she says no. On June 12, I had to take her to get surgery done on her shoulder. On June 14, when I came home from work, she says, “We need to talk.”

In the history of all time and matter, this is never a good thing.

She tells me she “can’t go on living like this”. She explains that we have been growing apart of late (which was true). but specifically the past year, and she wants a divorce. I am stunned. She refuses to discuss the matter any further and didn’t want to get counseling. Too dumbfounded to repsond, I agree. Over the course of the next few weeks, I pack up my shit and leave. Fast forward to yesterday. I was looking at JT’s MySpace page. Since he lives in another state, we don’t communicate much. In order to get his email address, I have to join MySpace. I send him an email and he calls me immediately expressing his own shock at my situation.

FT is back in my hometown taking care of her ailing parents. In February of this year, she runs into M at the mall and M tells FT what happened. She, too, is shocked. M then goes on to say that Ex is getting married in June or July!

This is news to me, but I don’t expect the Ex to keep me up-to-date about her current life. While talking to JT, I text the Ex (which is the only she’ll talk to me):

Me: I hear congrats are in order
Ex: How?
Me: I hear you’re getting married
Ex: Yes. How did you find out?
Me: I have my ways. Do I know him?
Ex: No
Me: Were you seeing him before we split? You can be honest now. (She had lied to my face for the last 3 months of our marriage)
Ex: I’m not dicussing this with you. Move on. I have.


Call me crazy, but I’d call this a yes. I’d asked during the time I was moving if there was another man. She, of course, said no.

Back in 2007, I suspected she might be screwing around, but I just didn’t want to believe it. I even contemplated putting a GPS tracker in her car. I scoured her cell phone records (she’s not computer-savvy, so I handled all the bill paying online). I found one number that she’d been calling a lot (anywhere from 15 minutes to 2.5 hours at a time and at odd hours - usually in the AM of late at night when I was asleep). I tried calling the number but never got anywhere. I was also considering a telephone recording device for the times she used the home phone.

I wish I had done it now.

The house we lived in was in her name, but the mortgage was in both names (another mistake I’d made). Had I known she was screwing around, I could have fought the divorce.

To what end?

I believe I could have forced the sale of the house in order to get my name off the mortgage. I never looked into this, so I may be wrong. Irreconciliable differences is one thing, adultery is another.

Would you have gotten a better settlement if you could have shown she was fooling around? I

f not, what’s the worry?

Some other dude has a cheating lier for a future wife, and you’re rid of a cheating lier.

La de da, ho, ho he, Eric the half a bee
Lost his cheating, no good broad, it wasn’t meant to be;
dum dum de dee dee dee…
Eric the half a bee…

How about those night vision binoculars? Those could come in handy.

Let me do a little adjustment of your OP, rearranging some of the parts into an order that makes more sense to me, at least.

You can see how you’re coming off here? I know you just want to vent, but this really sounds unhealthy. For both of you.

Move on. She has.

There was no settlement per se. I took my stuff and left. Right now, my name is on a $135,000 mortgae. She agreed to and has been paying it on her own, but she doesn’t have the credit rating to refinance by herself. I’m hoping she’ll sucker her new husband into co-signing. I called the mortgage company and all I’d have to do is sign away my part of the mortgage. Something I am more than ready to do.

I guess the point is that I want to know for sure if she was screwing aorund. I just need her to admit it.

Easy to say, not as easy to do, but I am working on it.

She was. With me, and 1/2 the StraightDope.

Now move on.

(she wasn’t very good in bed)

You need to hire yourself a lawyer to get your name off of that mortgage. You really really need to do that.

I don’t know if that’s possible. What angle would the lawyer take?

It was you!

Dude, you do know for sure. She was screwing around. Now are you happy?

And why do you care whether she “admits it”? It doesn’t matter whether she admits she was having an affair, the fact is, she was having an affair.

Now, what are you going to do with that information? You can’t “fight a divorce” anymore. Divorces no longer require both parties to consent, if one person wants a divorce, then the marriage is dissolved. And the courts don’t care who was cheating on who when it comes time to divvy up the assets or assigning custody of the kids, the fact that she was cheating on you wouldn’t have meant that you’d get more money, even if you could prove it.

The only thing that proof of her adultery can do is convince you that you’re lucky to be rid of her. Well, you’ve got your proof. She cheated on you. And now what?

Fact is, nothing has changed. The only thing you need to do, and it has nothing to do with whether she cheated on you or not, is to get your name off the mortgage.

I don’t know. No one likes to admit they’ve been royally fucked over. It’s been one helluva fucking rollercoaster ride the past 9 months.

You’ll never know if you don’t go talk to one.

Any particular type of lawyer? I’m not sure what category this falls under.

Harsh, but true. The best thing would be to stop caring. The hardest thing would be to stop caring.

Needing her to admit it is still needing something from her, and you can’t really move on until you don’t need anything from her.

I know, but it’s hard to give up on someone you loved and cared about for such a long time. She was the first one, so that makes it all the harder.

I’ve done pretty good for the most part these past 9 months. It’ll take a little more effort to get over her despite what she’s done. I think that, once she’s remarried, it’ll be over in my mind.

Try not to laugh too hard when she cheats on spouse #2

Actually, I was #2.

Here’s the funny parts:

I’m an atheist and held to my wedding vows. She’s a (supposed) Christian and BROKE A COMMANDMENT. She hooked up with a guy who helped her do it. What kind of winner is he? If he did it once…

This is just a guess, and this is probably way off, but perhaps a divorce lawyer?